"He loves us and all that He does is for our eternal benefit."-Dallin H. Oaks

So it's been awhile hasn't it? For some reason, I have not felt the intense need to blog but this morning I woke up and just knew it was going to happen. I read this quote the other day and I loved it. Sometimes I feel confused why certain things are/aren't happening in my life. I literally plan almost every minute of every day, so not knowing certain things drives me nuts. I also constantly re-evaluate and ask myself oodles of questions. Where should I work after my graduate degree? Should I still try to work for the State Department? Is it okay that I am going to a private university? Am I going to be able to pay off my school debt? Am I doing everything in my power to find a righteous priesthood holder? Have I missed opportunities to get married? Is it okay that I really love school and the idea of a career? How will I balance self development while being a mother? How do I have a balance of humility without losing my confidence? However, when I read this quote, I felt a reassuring peace that everything in my life is leading me to become more like my Heavenly Parents and that makes me happy. Anyway, it's been over a few months, so here it is:

• DOMINICAN REPUBLIC. My yolocation to the DR was the best thing ever. I went with my mission trainer, Hazel and we had a blast! We ate all our favorite foods and drinks and WENT TO THE BEACH. To be honest, not my favorite haha but we could actually do it. No more rules! We also got to visit the area she trained me in with President Corbitt and I got to visit all my people in Yamasa. I forgot how great it is and also how frustrating public transportation is down there hah but Latin Kelsey is chill and therefore enjoyed it. I have to say the highlight of my trip was getting a hug and a blessing from President. He just knows my true self. More on that later, but he's one of a very few people that actually knows me and it was just so good to see him. And make jokes about TV shows and talk about the incredible and also crazy things that happened. That island will always have a piece of my heart because of the incredible people and lessons I learned. 
• DU stuff. Lots of good things happening for my master's degree! First of all, I just accepted a job as the VIP event student assistant. This basically means that I will help plan events for the important people who visit, like diplomats... or former Secretaries of State *COUGH CONDI AND MADELINE I'm looking at you*. Okay, but seriously I can't wait. #bestjobever I also accepted  an internship with the Restorative Justice department. With this, I am dealing with students who have broken the honor code and lead a two hour facilitation meeting on how to deal with it. It seems super legit and will be excellent practice. This also means that in addition to ten week crammed terms, I am doing both a job and an internship, so if I stop talking to you, don't take it personally. 
• Bikini body workouts. I am officially done with week 22 of my program. Only 2 more weeks until I have finished both guides. I have been working really hard on controlling what I eat, and while I am far from perfect, my body is adjusting to not eating as much crap food and it's been so much better for me. It allows me to think clearer and I also love feeling stronger. I'm so grateful for my body and I love the newfound respect I have found about treating it right. My patriarchal blessings talks a lot about the Word of Wisdom and treating my body with respect and I never got it until my mission. I don't know how much weight I lost because I don't think that's an accurate interpretation. However, if for some bizarre reason we had to make another exodus across the plains, I would be ready!
• Scripture: "These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them." Hebrews 11:13. We read this in institute a long time ago and it has stuck with me ever since. My mission president once gave a really excellent tema (like a talk I guess) on heavenly promises and instructed us to live as though the promises we have received in any blessing had already come true. I took this to heart and I just loved "these" people who died without having receiving them in this life. It's especially heartening because earlier in the chapter it documents all these crazy incredible things faith has done for others. When I was reading it, I was thinking hmm nothing like that's every happened to me. When I got to this verse, it was comforting. We just need to be 'persuaded' of the promises and 'embrace' that they are ALWAYS kept by our loving Heavenly Father. 
• Temple. Two weeks ago, I was officially released as an ordinance worker because I am moving to Denver. When we were in our pre-meeting, all the sudden I had this sinking "I am going to start sobbing moment" which was nearly identical to the one I felt the last night of my mission. It was tangible and real and I just kept thinking, pull it together Davis. During the meet, the temple president kept looking over and smiling. I thought oh what a gem. As the women got up to leave, he stood up and grabbed my hand, looked me directly in the eyes and asked, how are you sister Davis? I just briefly mentioned that I was having a good day and he said okay, well please come talk to me in my office when I am done. Slightly shocked, I said sure and walked out. I was confused. What was this all about? He came out a few minutes later and I was still in the lobby. This time he grasped my hand tightly and peered into my eyes *but really it felt like my soul and I am not being dramatic here* and said thank you so much for choosing to be here tonight. I indicated that tonight was actually my last night and he said, still with his penetrating stare, "Heavenly Father is proud of your service and you have done what you were required to do here." He squeezed my hand, gave me a bear hug and left. Guys, this intense experience where I felt like someone could see the 3D version of me (By this I mean that he can see my past self, who I am now, and who God wants me to be)has only happened to me once during an interview with my mission president. The only way I can describe this is having felt as if Heavenly Father himself was having that conversation with me and giving me that hug. It was an incredible end to my service in the FoCo temple and I am so thankful for it. I am also thankful that he was so in tune with the spirit to recognize that I was feeling sad about leaving. Heavenly Father truly loves us so so so much! 
• Eternal plan of salvation. This is going to be the bulk of  this blog post because I was struggling again about marriage. A few weeks ago, someone gave a talk and asked a very important question, "Do you believe Heavenly Father has an individual plan of salvation for you personally?" As he said that, the spirit touched my heart. And I tangibly felt that part of my plan was go to on a mission so that I could gain a testimony of eternal families and more specifically, marriage and children. I was recently reading through my mission emails and I find something I wrote on my 23rd birthday on my mission. I remember this moment so clearly as if it happened yesterday, but it was just the reminder I needed. I was in a leadership council and President Corbitt started talking about Isaiah 3 and the disintegration of the family. I ended up writing: 

And then the spirit was just so strong, and he said, you thought you all came here to preach the gospel, but you came here to rescue the Dominican people and to learn how to be a defender of the family when you go home. I swear the spirit was so strong that I burst into tears. I have often wondered why it was necessary for me to go on a mission. I have had several thoughts, but mostly it was because I needed to be humble. I didn't really need a stronger testimony on anything except for the families. And in that moment, it was like I was outside my body looking at my life how Heavenly Father wanted me to be. And I just had this POWERFUL witness that the one main reason I was supposed to be here was to learn how to be committed to the family. 

I don't know who wrote that. Kidding. It was me. But recently I've become more and more vocally negative about getting married. I don't know why Satan uses that so strongly with me, but whenever I feel threatened or start thinking about it too much, I don't want to have one. Two quotes have really stuck out to me as I've written this: 

"I can choose faith over fear when I realize it isn't my job to make everything in my life work out- I can do my part and let God do the rest. "-Ariel Szuch 

"You are the Lord´s disciples. He accepts us as we are even as we are growing toward what we must become. Rest in that love. Bathe and luxuriate in it. Let it relax, calm and comfort you. Let us keep our face to the Son, and come unto Him."- Patricia Holland 

So for now, I am going to take comfort in that. The fact that I even want to have a celestial relationship is a real-life miracle that happened on my mission. Now I just have to be brave enough to overcome when my natural woman makes negative comments. And you know what? It's going to be okay when I slip up and automatically say, "Ugh, I never want to get married," because the atonement of Christ allows me to get better at it every day. Today, I did a "what lack I yet?" prayer before my personal study and got a rather shocking answer: that I needed to be more honest. This was shocking because I pride myself on just saying it how it is. But I realized that I don't do that with how I present myself to others. Remember how I said earlier how President Corbitt is one of the only people who knows who I truly am? Well it's true. I realized this as I was talking to my mom, who always obviously knows the true me. Over the past few weeks, I kept on making jokes about "grumpy Kelsey" and "Latin Kelsey," and as such, questioned who was actual Kelsey Marie Davis? Categorizing myself into different parts may sound like I'm crazy, but it was originally a way to help me process my emotions since I am horrible at that. However, I realized that this has now turned into a defense mechanism. Whenever I get uncomfortable, I just slip on another persona. When I'm around a man I'm attracted to? I slip on the "I never want to date or have a relationship or get married" persona so that way I don't have to face rejection. When I am super abrasive, I just blame it on "Latin Kelsey." When I am being super rude because I am emotionally afraid? Boom: grumpy Kelsey. So in an effort to become more honest, I have decided to do the adult thing: really be who I am. I always joke that I love "temple Kelsey." And that is my real self. So here is who I am:

I am Kelsey Marie Davis. I pretend that I don't want to get married or have kids when it becomes painfully clear that it's not happening for me right now. Sometimes I cry at night thinking about how I haven't had the opportunity to date someone. Sometimes, when I want to celebrate, I blare "Who's Laughing Now?" and picture myself in my Sec State office flipping off everyone. When I get sad, I watch the scene from He's Just Not that Into You with Alex and Gigi when he tells her that she's his exception. I still cry in Titanic when Jack dies and when I hear the song "At Last." And Adele's "Someone Like You." EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I love reading young adult fiction more than I like the classics.(This will be a tough one to overcorrect with my English major friends who I've faked a love of Canterbury Tales with, but I'll work on it) I wish I could eat a popsicle every day. I secretly love it when people who I trust play with my hair. I will assert my opinion of liking whatever you hate just to create debate or because I'm afraid. For clarification, even though I vehemently say that I hate these things, it's a lie: running, kids, receiving hugs, cuddling, thinking about my future kids' names, believing in true love, sappy love songs, etc. (That's just a brief list. But you get the point. If I am saying I hate something with a lot of passion, you can bet that it's just me be emotionally insecure and not wanting to admit something. Basically, this is an apology to everyone that I've lied to in the past. I didn't mean to, it was just easier for me to cope and put on my boss woman, take no crap persona.)  Just to clear one thing up though: I still hate Taco Bell. And hiking in a group because it still makes me insecure that I'm the fat little kid who is never going to make it to the top. That's not a lie. So that's it. Nice to meet you officially. I am pretty cool and crazy from what my mother says. Wish me luck in this endeavor and we will check in later! If you've made it to the end of this, you're a true friend and I love you!

WE FINALLY WENT TO THE BEACH!

Passion fruit popsicles are the best!

I went on an 6 hour bus excursion in an area I didn't know by myself and it rained. But I made it. 

Eating the bandera (typical Dominican dinner) 

My last companion! And it was her last week too! 

I took a selfie with him when I was serving there and he remembered and wanted a repeat. 

My branch in Yamasa! <3 

It rained SO much! 

My convert Yulay! :) 

My Dominican mom and dad. 

Ramona from Monte Plata. She's one of the most faithful people I know. 

Hermana Ova! 

Juana and Vidal! I love this couple. 

They love selfies!

Abichuelas con dulce! A typical Easter Dominican dessert. 

Olga is one of my favorite women ever. I love her! 

Jumping for joy with my fly Tongan. 

Mom's birthday dinner! 

Annie and I went to a baseball game...mostly for the food. 

"The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become."-C.S. Lewis

Yeah, I get it. You're sick of my quoting C.S. Lewis ha but I just love him. He's on my top 5 list of people to converse with in the next life. I just love the idea of one day being able to say all the time, Thy will be done. It's going to take an entire lifetime as I am so prideful and I love doing things my way, but I have faith it will happen. Life is really good right now. Yes, there are every day challenges but today as I was walking around the lake, I realized how blessed I actually am. I'm just going to share a few happy things/thoughts:

• I got into both DU and CSU. I was waiting to hear from CSU about a scholarship program and did not receive that. Honestly, this made it easier to decide. But the day I got accepted to DU, I was sitting with my client in the library and I just started to get massive anxiety. I'm talking the type of anxiety I would get near the end of my mission when I realized I had no clue what I was doing with my life. The feeling was there the whole day. Later that night, I was watching some TV trying to calm myself when I noticed my sister calling. To be honest, I was just about to go to bed and I didn't really want to talk, (sorry Laurel! still love you! :) but I felt like I should pick it up. She said that she had read this article about deciding on education as a woman that she felt I would like. She had NO clue I had even been accepted to DU or that I had been having some serious anxiety. As she explained the article and then as I read it, I know that she was inspired to send it to me. I am so thankful for my sister who, unbeknownst to her, was heeding a prompting of the spirit. CSU logically made more sense: it was cheaper, I already lived here and had friends, it is a more stable career to be a teacher, and ultimately. if I wanted to get married, I shouldn't have a lot of debt for an education, right? That's what was tumbling around in my head. Anyway, I read the article and I felt the spirit when I read this line: 

         "A woman should plot a course for their education and careers as men do, taking into account interests, abilities, and even financial benefits." Laura L. Bush 

         It was perfect. I knew that I could make the decision and choice that I personally would be more fulfilled in, and that was pursuing an education in conflict resolution and humanitarian efforts. The spirit filled the room and I was just so thankful for a sister that called me to share something she had read. I love when my prayers are answered by people I love. Is DU going to be uber expensive? Yes! But I am looking forward to the education and opportunities it will provide me. And for the fulfillment I will get, doing something I am passionate about. Also, shout out to Erika for driving down with me to visit the campus and go to the single's ward. #truefriend

• I love the temple. You know that. The day before I had to make a decision for grad school, I went to the temple and obviously prayed about which school I should go to, even though I had already had a confirmation that I could go where I wanted. However, when I was in the celestial room, something bizarre happened. Out of nowhere, an answer came that was unexpected: "You haven't missed any opportunities." I live my life in fear that I am screwing it  up or that I am in the wrong place or have missed opportunities on dating because I am crazy. And for the past month, every time I prayed, I always prayed to know if Heavenly Father was okay with the course of my life or if I was getting off base. I know many women, who already have two kids and I have not even dated anyone yet! I was getting discouraged wondering if I had been doing something wrong. It made me think of this quote I wrote down on my mission, "We are able to take validation vertically from Him, not horizontally from the world around us." Rosemary W Wixom. By church standards, maybe I'm not where people think I should be. But that peace I felt in the temple, knowing that I have been in the right places and that I have not missed any real opportunities, gave me the assurance that Heavenly Father does know what He's doing. And I do not need validation from anyone else. He is thrilled that I want to get a master's degree and that I worked hard to get in. And even though this was not a direct answer to the prayer I had pondered in my heart about grad school, it was an answer that I am moving in the direction that I should and that there is a heavenly Being who loves me. And there's nothing better than that. I also just wanted to share a quote by Elder Cornish (who was in the Caribbean presidency and I learned so much from him on my mission: "I witness to you that if you will really try and will not rationalize or rebel—repenting often and pleading for the grace, or help, of Christ—you positively are going to be “good enough,” that is, acceptable before the Lord; you are going to make it to the celestial kingdom, being perfect in Christ; and you are going to receive the blessings and glory and joy that God desires for each of His precious children—including specifically you and me. I testify that God lives and wants us to come home." What a beautiful reassurance that we ARE doing what we need to and we are going to make it! 

So that's life! I still love my job even though I will be done with it in a month to start my teaching job. I love being a temple worker and am going to miss being up here in Ft. Collins. I learned a lot here. Also, it's been almost a year since I've been home from my mission. And I have to say, I am so thankful that I was so strongly prompted to go. It changed my life because it changed me. I just hope I get more transformative moments in my life to learn and grow spiritually and temporally. 

My new feminist leggings.

Can't wait to join the ranks of Condoleeza Rice! 

"I have lived to thank God that not all my prayers have been answered." Jean Ingelow

Hey friends. It's been awhile and so much has happened. I picked this quote because of something my friend Erika said. I was in Relief Society and she basically said the same thing, aren't we happy that not all of our earnest pleadings have been answered how we wanted them to be answered? And for some reason, it hit me so strongly. I would have dated a lot of jerks. I would not have gone on a mission. I would be at Georgetown.  I would not be in Fort Collins. While I'm sure some of these would have still made me happy (GUYS DC WAS MY DREAM), I am just so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has a plan for me. I loved a recent blog post located here about how we are NOT screwing up Heavenly Father's plan for us. In it, it talks about how we are co-creators of our lives with Heavenly Father. And as long as we are making righteous decisions, we are living the life He wants us to live. How reassuring! I love knowing that my life can get back on track and that sometimes detours are the most beautiful tender mercies we can experience. There isn't a "how my life should be" rather a "how my life is and how beautiful I can make it." Anyway, the point is, I am so grateful that I have the Spirit to guide me and that my Heavenly Father, who has known me since before I was born, guides me but also trusts me to make big decisions. Because agency is the best gift. Onto some happy updates....

• I moved into a townhouse! My grandparents were the best roommates and I will be so grateful for the time they let me live in their home. But mostly. I am grateful for the quality time I got to spend with them. I learned so much about them and I loved being able to chat with them about everything. I love my new room and all the new teal crap I bought at Target. I am finally being an adult. 
• I had such an awesome night a few weeks ago in the temple. I got to be the ordinance worker in the celestial room. And for a solid 15 minutes, I was the only person in there since the session had not ended. It was such a unique experience and I took the opportunity to pour out my soul in prayer. Though what happened is personal, I can say that I know that the Lord and Heavenly Father love us. I loved something my mission president said about it: that we don't have to walk in Jerusalem to walk where Christ has walked because he has personally visited every single temple. I really needed the peace and I just felt like I was being bathed in celestial love. I love the peace that comes from the temple and how much I need that. I am always crazy about if I am doing enough or what I should be working on, and the celestial room is where I always get the confirmations or promptings that I am doing enough or what I can improve. It's been 2 weeks since the temple closed and I am just so ready for it to be open again so I can reap the benefits again. 
• I finally did my taxes by myself for the first time ever... #adulting. And I am so happy because I am getting a large enough return that I will be going to the Dominican Republic at the end of the April. I was going through my mission stuff yesterday and got pretty nostalgic and therefore emotional. As I was flipping through some of my planners and journal, I just had this amazing sense of gratitude that Heavenly Father let me serve. It goes back to the beginning quote. Most of you know I did NOT want to serve a mission. But when I knew, I was fine as long as I did not get called to a third world country. Then I got called to the DR. I could not believe it. But that island is a sacred place for me. I learned so much and served with people tailor-made for me and I just love all the people. I cannot wait to check in on all the wonderful members and converts. And, if we are being honest, I cannot wait to actually put my feet in the water at the beach ha. 
• I got into CSU! I am just waiting for DU's program to let me know and whether or not I will get the graduate assistantship at CSU. But I really love Fort Collins and my ward, so I am hoping I get the assistant position so I can stay up here and get a master's degree for free, and then peace out and teach english abroad. I was reading my mission journal yesterday and I flipped it open to a random page and it was a very strong prompting. In it, and I remember this moment clearly, I had written that I knew I was not going to Georgetown because it wasn't the path I should be on and that I wanted to be a teacher. I honestly had forgotten that happened. I am so happy I wrote it down in the midst of food miracles and real spiritual miracles ha (seriously guys, a lot of my tender mercies recorded in my journal involved food. It's slightly embarrassing actually!) So we will see what happens. Who knows where I will end up? For once in my life, I am okay not knowing. 
• I had a mini miracle happen! I fed the elders and they invited me to look at my friend's list on Facebook and share something about Christ with one of them. When I did so, a random individual that I barely knew in high school kept standing out. I ignored it for a few seconds, but I knew he was who I should reach out to. So I promised them that by Monday I would share my favorite scripture with him. So in typical Kelsey "I avoid things that make me uncomfortable" fashion, I waited until an hour before I would see the missionaries on Monday. But, it ended awesomely because the person reached out and said that what they needed to hear. Heavenly Father really does let us have opportunities to be His hand and extend His love if we let him. I've decided I am going to actively pray more for opportunities like this. It was just a reassurance that promptings never lie and how much Heavenly Father loves all of His children regardless of their faith. 
• I finished the book of mormon and I just want to share one of my favorite scriptures: "And Shiz began again to build up a broken people." This scripture is sacred for me. On my mission, I was having some struggles with my parent's divorce and I had an interview with President Corbitt. In this incredible life-changing 10 minutes, he shared this scripture with me and said one of the reasons I had had to serve a mission is to see that broken things can be built up again. And he taught me a beautifully brief lesson about the atonement. Ever since then, I also put my name in it "And Kelsey began again to build up a broken people." This applies to not just my family, but myself when I falter. And it's just a succint way of describing what is possible with faith and Heavenly Father's love and mercy. I saw "broken" people a lot on my mission and how the gospel changed them. It's one of the most beautiful things to witness. 
• I read this book called Ordinary Goodness and loved it. While I did not agree with his concepts of God, I loved the idea of just being good in ordinary situations and helping others. One of the exercises he encouraged us to do was write a personal manifesto. It was super fun! I made one and it's my passion journal so I can read it whenever. It made me set some boundaries but also allowed me to express what was important to me. The example of the personal manifesto he gives is from someone named David Ault and he made a pledge which you can read here. I loved what he said and you should read it!
• Bikini body. So I am doing this 12 week workout program and it's kicking my butt! It's only three days a week and then the rest of the week is cardio, but it's the perfect program for me. I decided to do it because my friend Erika was heading it up. But then, I was reading through my patriarchal blessing and I realized it talks a lot about how physical some of my tasks will be and I want to be prepared. I am on week 9, so wish me luck! (It'll end a month before the DR, so I am going to do it again ha) 
• I am obsessed with the new Coldplay and Chainsmokers song and may have listened to it 10000 times. Listen to it: 

That's life. I have read a zillion books recently, but one thing I loved was when C.S. Lewis stated, "Joy is the serious business of heaven." My life isn't suddenly more happy. It's just my attitude has changed and I have learned to be grateful for everything I have. Let's be happy and enjoy the sunshine! 

My new dresser that I built with my Papa! 

Galentine's Relief Society 2017

When people tell me to calm down... 

My personal manifesto!

Belly dancing level: shimmying status 

"Be a woman other women can trust... Be a woman who lifts other women." Sophia A. Nelson

First off, I just want to address that this post is no way meant to cause any problems; it's just a statement of my opinion. I think it is GREAT that women are all over marching for women's rights. Instead of participating in the march, I went and saw Hidden Figures.  I wish I had been able to join them but I just couldn't logically get there and here's why:

• Like the quote above, my definition of feminism is that women everywhere support all women's decisions. That means stay-at-home mothers respect working women AND vice versa. One of the reasons I could not attend is because there was so much anti-pro-choice rhetoric in all of the march invitations I received. I just want to state simply: I am not less of a feminist because I do not support abortion. I do not think women are less feminist because they chose to vote with Trump. It is my right to think that, but I also think it's awesome that women who think differently than me go out and say something. However, let's support all women. Just because I do not fully support that portion of women's rights does not make me any less of a woman. I am all about girl power. I'm happy that you are fighting for it. I love when people have passion. Please allow me the same. 
• I did not enjoy the hypocrisy. When Bill Clinton got caught with an intern, we all gave him a pass. These are ACTIONS that happened WHILE he was president. Now lest anyone excuse me, I pretty much despise Trump's character. NOT defending him. I can rest easy at night knowing that in no way did I help put him in this position. However, I believe that things should be consistent. If women are so traumatized about things Trump has said in the past, why did we give Bill such a free pass? That's not feminism. It's selective feminism with a political agenda. Again, I literally did not vote for him. Or wanted him to win. He goes against a lot of my personal values. However, shouldn't we give him a chance? I want him to prove me wrong. I hope he becomes an excellent person. I also do not believe he is inherently evil. He has some excellent qualities. Will I ever respect him as a person, probably not. But I do hope he succeeds in leading this country because if he loses, we all lose. 

I want to make something clear: 

I THINK IT IS SO COOL that people participated in this march. But ,this event was not inclusional. I am happy that it got noticed. I think it's super cool that so many people, men and women and children, were so passionate about it that they decided to march. But let's make the march about equality and loving towards ALL women and not just against a president. I hope this doesn't ruffle too many feathers. Like I said, I'm all about boss women. I want to see more women in Congress and in business and tech worlds. I want future daughters to grow up believing they can be president of the United States if they want to work for it. I also love freedom of speech. But I also love action. 

During the march, I went and saw Hidden Figures and it inspired me. These African-American women in the 60s working at NASA had WAY more to complain about than we do today. The woman responsible for getting a man safely down from orbit in space the first time had to run over 1/2 mile to use the restroom since there were no restrooms in the nearby buildings.  But you know what they did, they worked hard, asked for what they deserved and eventually they got it. And you know what happened, the first American man orbited in space... That's what unity can do. I'm not suggesting we all get together and send another man in space, but I am saying unity, especially in this wonderful sisterhood of being women, is what needs to happen. Both sides need to calm down and see the other side. Being a woman in the 21st century is balla. I love it. We have so much freedom. And you know what? If you don't like what you see, you live in a country where you CAN march. And the other great thing? You can teach your children that it's not okay to make rude remarks about anybody different from them and that it's certainly not okay to disrespect someone because of political or sexual orientation, gender, race, religious preference, etc. That we need a little bit of everything to make this whole melting pot work. Anyway, I came away with a resolve to do something. I am going to get more education and solve problems and then I am going to teach my future children how to get along with people with differences without compromising their own standards. I've also decided to be more strong about arguing for stay-at-home mothers. My mom did not need a college degree (but also shout-out to her because she IS going back to school for herself!) to raise me into a kind, critical thinker with love and respect. And that's pretty boss in my book. I just want to end with one of my favorite quotes by Helen Keller: "What I"m looking for isn't out there, it is in me."

"My wish for you is that you continue. Continue to be who you are, to astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness." -Maya Angelou

Sorry that I am still obsessed with Maya Angelou. But also, she is the best. And she had some great advice. I still can't believe that I ended up being able to see her before she died while I was in DC. (Shout out to my girl Chels for hooking a sister up and also waiting in 10 degree weather for an hour so we could get in) I feel like 2016 was a hard year for a lot of people. But honestly, the whole point of life is to continue no matter what. And with recent political and world events, I've decided we need to continue being kind. I love the church's social media campaign of #sharegoodness. Because the world needs happy and positive thoughts. When I blogged last, I had made the goal to have a true and honest heart. I wanted to be able to be more direct and honest with other people, Heavenly Father, and myself. Since I put this as a goal, I have received so much help in it that I was surprised. I had been talking to my father about new year's resolution and he said something that stood out: just make one. So though I have several goals for the year, my main resolution is to have a true and honest heart. Like I said, I've had several situations that made me value honesty. But for the point of this post, I would like to focus on one.

I'd like to begin with this quote:

"Living with integrity means: not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe." Barbara De Angelis.

I read this the other day and realized I needed to have more integrity in my life. I am terrible at asking for what I need from other people. It actually gives me pretty big anxiety. I am a people pleaser by nature and I hate when people are even remotely upset with me.  Anyway, this month I had the opportunity to have the most frank and honest conversation I have ever had with someone. It was almost bizarre. I pride myself in being honest and very self-aware. However, during the course of this conversation, the person was just so honest and raw that I realized I am nowhere near to being this honest with anyone. As I listened, I was just in awe that someone could be so honest while also being so self-aware. I admired the courage and vulnerability it took. While this conversation was going on, I just kept on thinking, crap. I need to do more self-evaluation. I also came to the conclusion that in order to have a true and honest heart, I need to be more vulnerable in expressing my feelings. I trust very few people in my life because I care a lot about people's opinions of me. I have decided that I am not going to settle for that anymore. I am going to be me. And the only confirmation I will need is from my Heavenly Father.And I realized I have a lot of superficial friendships. Which, again, was a shock because I pride myself on being honest and aware. Anyway, I am so thankful for this learning curve I had. And also. if I start grilling you or being more overtly direct with you, sorry, but I've got to be more honest! :) I've already made some changes, which you can read about now...

• My new job. I LOVE MY NEW JOB. I am working as a care provider for young adults with disabilities and it is the best job I have ever had. It is so satisfying. I have also learned a lot about honesty. The other day two of my clients were in the car and one of them said, "You're awesome! I love you!" and the other responded, "I know I am awesome, but thank you!" And then later that day, when one needed help ordering, the other leaned over and said, "I know you can do it!" Guys, be still my beating heart. I have learned more about selflessness and compassion and charity and honesty in a week and a half of this job than in any other time of my life. They are who they are with no regrets. They encourage and help each other. They have awesome self confidence. I am supposed to be helping them, but they are softening my heart. I've also realized something: you can't capture all the moments you want on film. Sometimes, you just need to live it. It reminds me of something Adele said at her concert. She told everyone to turn off their phones and just enjoy the show. That we weren't paying to see her through a lens. But just experience her songs. She was right. The other day, one of my clients was singing Taylor Swift. She's really shy and doesn't express a lot of emotions, but when I told her the only CD I had was Taylor, she lit up. And she just sang her heart out. It was honestly one of the cutest things I have ever seen in my entire life. I actually teared up. I couldn't videotape it obviously, but I have burned it into my memory in hopes that I will always remember her being vulnerable and jamming to Taylor Swift. Sorry to gush. But I love each and every one of people I work with and I am so blessed I get to learn so much from them. 
• Never say never. So I have kept up my never say never thing... and I am taking a belly dancing class. My friend Erika someone managed to make me think it was a good idea... and it was! Will I be a professional belly dancer? Probably not. But I love it so much because it's so freeing. We are taking it at the senior center (yes, you read that correctly) and honestly it's so much fun because I don't care what people are thinking. I'm just there to learn how to move my hips. It's been very liberating. The other day, I also left the house without foundation. Now normally. I don't wear a lot of makeup but I never leave anymore without foundation (unless on my mission because I was already a physical disaster anyway). So I left, went to Zumba without foundation. AND GUYS, it was the best. I realized, again, that no one cares. I don't even know these people. And also, who cares if I did? I think this never say never thing has made me so much more confident... and have a true and honest heart. So there you go! 
• University of Denver. So plot twist... I have also applied to the MA in Conflict Resolution... the program that I had applied for in 2014. (the same program I was admitted to for Georgetown) For some bizarre reason, when I rejected Georgetown because I knew I shouldn't go, it never occurred to me that it wasn't because of the actual degree. Since my new quest to be honest and self analyze, I thought about why I rejected Georgetown. And a lot of it boiled down to that I was afraid I would default back to my pre-mission self. (Let's be honest, I probably would) and I wasn't willing to risk the incredible changes I had made from my mission. But I realized I am still very interested in conflict resolution and negotiation. So on New Year's Eve, the thought popped into my head to look back into DU. And it turns out that they added a Humanitarian Assistance certificate and a bunch of other things that made me so much more interested. So I re-applied. I don't know where I will be in fall 2017. But I have felt very strongly about getting a master's degree in conflict resolution in the past. And it suits my abilities and natural talents. I also think it would be a final healing process from some personal issues I've had in my life. It would make me less scared to get married. Or deal with problems that I avoid. So, in a massive plot twist, I could end up at DU. Who knows? (Side note: Condoleeza Rice studied there and was taught by Madeline Albright's father, so two Sec States have ties here... just saying ;) 

• Thoughts on Adam and Eve. This may seem random. But in the spirit of this honest conversation  I had,  when I went to the temple, I was focused on all the things that happened after the Fall.  (Side note: during this session was also the first time I did a session with my brother. There is no better feeling than being with your family in the celestial room. I love you Mace. Even if you're weird and crazy!) Anyway, it hit me profoundly that even though Eve partook of the fruit and in some way knew it was what she needed to do, she had no recollection that a Savior would be provided for her. She is the only person that has lived on earth that had to act on pure faith. Everyone else born into this world has the opportunity to know that Christ's atonement would happen/happened, but she had no clue. She made a decision. I think of the joy she must have felt after walking completely in the dark, but also knowing it was the right thing to do, only to find out that the Savior's sacrifice would still let her return back to her Heavenly Father. I wish I had the courage and bravery she did. The faith that it took for her is remarkable and I am happy to be in a church that values and respects her. It also reminds me of several people I've met recently who don't realize that they can repent. That don't realize that their Savior can help them. It makes me so sad, but I also know they will all get their opportunity if not in this life, then the next. It's why Heavenly Father is so loving: everyone gets second chances. 

So that is life my friends. Messy, weird but oh so marvelous. So happy to be living in this magical chaos. 

Temple with my grandparents, Mason and Jessika. It was awesome! 

My favorite cookies from the DR! :)

Colin won't ever let me take a selfie with him, so this was the best I could get