Okay so it's been awhile. I've been stuck in "Vacation Kelsey" mode for a long time. Vacation Kelsey is fun and does whatever she wants. But responsible Kelsey is back. So here's an update! I've been quite busy. I love this quote by Churchill because I feel like every few months, I auto evaluate and realize that I've gotten stuck in a rut, either spiritually or emotionally or both. I love figuring out how I can be better and make goals to become the person I need to be. Basically, "it IS time to dare and endure."
My goal for 2017 comes from an experience I had a few weeks ago in the temple. My friend Katrina and I wanted to do a session, so we met up a few minutes before we thought it started. Only, it turns out there wasn't a session for another two hours haha. So we decided to do initiatories. I was slightly upset because I had really wanted to do a session because I really needed the assurance that I was doing all that I should be doing. However, Heavenly Father is great! What I really needed to hear was the words for the initiatory session. I had been wondering if my efforts in the gospel were enough or if I should be doing more. And while in the temple, hearing all these words and blessings, I realized Heavenly Father was pleased with my effort. I think the reason I love the temple the most is because it is a direct connection with Heavenly Father. It is just pure and you know whatever you feel is real. Which, in a world so focused on fakeness and instant happiness, is so reassuring. We went to the celestial room and I was just so happy and felt the spirit so strongly. I honestly could have stayed in there forever. It's the closest feeling to being in heaven one can have here on earth. It's the best! Anyway, my goal for 2017 is to do everything with a pure and honest heart. It's fairly simple written out, but acting on it might be different. However, I am so grateful that Heavenly Father allows me opportunities to become better and serve His children. It's so wonderful!
This year the church wanted to do 25 days of service. I was kind of slacking in this department and felt horrible. So I told Heavenly Father to give me opportunities and I'd take them. Last Monday, I went to a Nuggets game with Danny and his brother and sister in-law. I felt like I needed to leave early to get to their house. This wasn't too unusual. I am early to everything. As I was driving, I saw a woman and her young daughter walking in freezing weather. Not wanting to be creepy, but still wanting to help, I rolled down my window and asked her if she needed a ride. (I had promised myself that when I finally had my own car, I would help out anyone who didn't because I knew how that felt!) She said yes, so I picked her up and took her to the store. It was just a ten minute diversion for my night, but so helpful for her. It was a very tender experience and a reminder of my mission when we would show up at the exact time someone needed help. How cool is it that Heavenly Father trusts us to help His children? It's so great. And so humbling.
I just wanted to share a quick lesson I learned today from my scripture study. I was reading Helaman 2 and I loved this verse: "And there being but little timber upon the face of the land, nevertheless the people who went forth became exceedingly expert in the working of cement; therefore they did build houses of cement." This really hit me today because I realized I often look around for 'timber' and when I see none, I complain or get angry. When in reality, Heavenly Father has given us ample resources. Sometimes we just see what we don't have and focus on that so much that we choose not to be grateful for the abundance of things we do have. We just need to be humble and grateful enough to look for the other resources he has given us. We don't need to sit and complain about our lack of timber, when we have cement waiting for us. This is another goal of mine for 2017: no complaining. IT IS GOING TO BE HARD. But I am determined with divine help that I can do it!
And here are some main bullet points of what's been going on:
Never will I ever. Yep, I am still doing that. Actually, I have to say I love running. A lot. Which is super weird. I also discovered that while I hate the texture of cheese, I really do love the taste. I also booked a yolocation to Arizona on a Monday and flew out that Friday. But more on that later. Mostly, I really like giving things chances. Sometimes I find I still hate it. I still hate calling people. I still don't like staying up late. But there are always opportunities for growth and it's awesome to keep on trying new things.
I am leaving Otterbox. I loved the company but wasn't fond of my job. So I had found another part time job and was working both. I am now going to transition more full-time with that job and I am super excited about it. I working with young adults with disabilities and help with life skills so they can be more independent. It is so rewarding and I love it! I am super excited!
Arizona reunion. SO MUCH FUN. Chelsea snapped me on Monday and asked me why I wasn't coming to Arizona because Hilse (Hna. Alonzo) was going to be there and it was Kennedy's wedding. I thought about it and was like hmm why am I not going? So within twenty minutes, I had scheduled my flight for that Friday. Which is something I would never have done before my goal of trying things I had said I'd never do. IT WAS SO SO MUCH FUN. Chels and I had the best time. She's so much fun and it was just like one big intercambio. I love hanging out with mission friends because there's no pressure. They have literally seen you at your worst physically, spiritually and emotionally. I got into Chels' car at the airport and mentioned how sweaty my face was. Then I laughed, because she literally had never seen me without a sweaty face ha. The best part was surprising Hilse at the airport because she had no clue I was coming. We also got to see Ashley at Kennedy's wedding and it was awesome. Chels and I had a blast and ate a ton of food. It was so worth it! We also got to FINALLY listen to all of Taylor Swift's 1989 CD like we talked about so much on our mission. I know I say it all the time, but I am so happy I served a mission! I did have a rather funny thing happen to me at the airport. I was wearing my new sparkly sweater (pictured below) and the lady at the security gate told me to cover it up, or it would set off the system and she would have to do a pat down. I couldn't really do that since I didn't have anything to cover it with, so I got my pat down. The attractive blonde man behind me leans over behind me and goes "wow, that was a funny conversation to overhear." I replied, "well, that's the most action I've ever gotten." "In public?"-random man. "No, ever. I'm Mormon."-me "Oh well that's a shame."And then he winks at me, and walks away. Sometimes I can't believe the weird things that happen to me and how quickly I tell people I'm LDS. It makes me laugh. Anyway, Arizona was a success!
I bought a car! It is a 2008 CR-V and I love it. I've been looking to get a car for awhile now, but due to some credit things, it wasn't a smart decision until now. So it finally worked out and I love it!!! It's so nice having your own car. Plus seat warmers.
Anyhoodle, that is life! Just working hard and playing hard. Here's to a happy 2017 everybody!
The famous grinch waffle!
My dad and I when we went to Star Wars!
Blossoms of light at Botanical Gardens.
The "before we ate a hamburger, fries and shake at 11:30 pm" picture
The after. By the way, no man came to rescue us.
Hermana Alonzo and I reunited!
The hermanas at Hermana Curtis' wedding!
Chels and Kels sleighing it.
Typical Las Americas reunion.
YAY!
My beautiful Honda CR-V.
The best present I received this year, courtesy of Erika.
I am doing something that never happens: writing a blog post at 11 pm. Most of you know that I like schedules. And that I've been going to bed around 10 since I was in college. But sometimes, there's this feeling that won't go away until you've written something down. So here I am. I always tell my mom that something builds up inside me to where I can't ignore it and I just have to write it down. I think this is part my English major background, but also because as an INTJ, I suck at processing my emotions/feelings and blogging helps me to sort out my life. I hope this makes sense. If it doesn't, sorry. You don't have to continue reading.
Anyway, I am blogging so late at night because I just finished watching How to Make an American Quilt. My mom LOVES the soundtrack and I grew up listening to it in the car. That music will always carry me to my mother wherever I am. In the movie, which is actually based off a book, there are a few women sewing a love quilt where the theme is "Where Love Resides," The movie journeys through these women's love lives. But the part that gets me the most is the very last scene. One of the women meets the person she ends up marrying while she is diving. They also go diving on their first date. Through the course of the movie, he ends up leaving her. She doesn't dive anymore. But the end of the movie, with the score swelling as it happens, she is an old woman and she climbs up to the high dive and jumps in. That's the way it ends. And I cry every time. I cry because I love that even though she's had so many crappy things happen to her, she was willing to go back to her passion and remove the limit she had put for herself. The rest of the movie is okay, but that scene just inspires me so much. It doesn't matter what point you are in life, you can jump off the high dive.
Also, now you should listen to the song:
After I watched it , I was reminded of the quote that I titled this post. My friend Sofia posted it the other day and it really spoke to me. My blog header used to have my title of the blog on it: Anything but Ordinary. I still love that title. Because it's true. I don't want to be an ordinary person. I want to be an extraordinary version of myself. I also strongly believe in change. And these past two years, serving my mission and coming home, have been the most transformative for me. I think it's because while on my mission, I had to face some things. But more on that later.
I've always been intrigued by the old phrase of doing one thing a day that scares you. I used to do my 'fear of the day' in college. I checked off ordering my own food, riding on the Tower of Tear (only slightly traumatic at the age of 21), calling my dentist to schedule an appointment, and applying to Georgetown even though I didn't feel anywhere qualified. But it wasn't until a recent conversation with my Omi that I realized I wanted to change that a bit. She mentioned that all the times I've said I would never do something, I almost always DID do them and enjoyed them. I said I would never go on a mission. When I decided to serve, I said that I was fine to go anywhere but a third world country. Then I did go, served in the Dominican Republic, and it's been the most rewarding life experience I've had thus far. I laugh thinking about the things I survived that I thought I would never do. But mainly, thinking about the six weeks my companion and I didn't have running water, so we either had to beg for someone to lend us 5 gallons of water (to share between us) for one week or use baby wipes. But here's the thing: I survived that. And not only survived it, the rest of my mission taught me so much. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had stuck to my mantra of never serving a mission. It's sad to think about. I also said I would never be a teacher, and here I am, an applicant for an MA in Teaching English as Second Language. Before my mission. I said I would never love being outdoors. But now, I love being outside and exploring. Basically, her words hit me. And I realized, I needed to do more things. I realized that I was limiting myself. I was giving myself unnecessary boundaries.
So I made a list of a few things I said I would never do. I won't share that now because some of them are personal. But one seemingly dumb one stood out: running. I HATE running. I said I would never ever run. And then I started thinking about why. And I could scarcely admit it to myself, but I was self conscious. I grew up with siblings who ran and a best friend who was a crazy good runner. Comparatively speaking, I was in no shape (both figuratively and physically) to even be close to them. So I shut it down without ever really trying it.
So I decided to be brave. Take a jump off the high dive. I went on a run around the lake near my house a few weeks ago. And can I tell you: IT WAS SO LIBERATING. I knew no one and no one was around. I realized I loved how it felt. I loved being able to focus on something and also be processing my day in mind at the same time. I've been going on runs every week now. And I while it's not my favorite thing yet, it is slowly developing into something I enjoy. (Don't fall off your chairs everyone. People can change).
As an INTJ woman, I lead a very cautious life. I don't let people in very easily. People seem to think that since I am a very public person that I trust people. But I realized doing this (still on-going) experiment, that I never really let people in. I treat life like a chess board, always looking forward and moving my pieces around until I win. I like to always be ahead of the competition. I like to know what my opponents are thinking. And if I sense any emotional danger, I run. I like to analyze what moves make the most sense at specific times. But the thing about life is that there are people in it who are most definitely not pawns. Most people are on your side of the board. They're NOT your opponents. They're protecting you. And while it may be scary to be vulnerable and let them in, it's so much better and more fun to let them in. *Also, as an aside, I don't really know how to play chess... so if this metaphor doesn't quite work, just ignore it. You get the point*
So going back to the quote, a lot has changed. I'm not at Georgetown. I am applying for a degree where I will become a teacher. I go on runs outside at least four times a week. I count the calories I eat. I want to be a mom. (This is a big one. I always said I never wanted to be a mom, but change is great). And you know, actually admitting to all of this makes me drop the facade I've carried for so long. I've always wanted to have the illusion that I have my life together. That I know what I'm doing. I am a people pleaser. And that's great, because I end up helping a lot of people. But finally freeing myself to saying, "yes, I think I will try that" has allowed me to become more who I am inherently. I hope all those who read this will be able to realize the limits they are putting on themselves. Then go and jump off the high dive with me! A quote I have always loved is from Nelson Mandela: "Let our choices reflect our hopes, not our fears." I hope I can look back on my life, and know I tried all the things possible. That I took risks, jumped without knowing all the consequences, that I dared to let someone love me. That I had the courage to change and become more myself every day. And when it didn't work out, that I climbed right back on the ladder and dived again.
Hey kids! It's been awhile, so I wanted to post an update. I picked the following quote because I've fully come to terms with one simple truth: Ultimately, I'd rather follow Heavenly Father's plan for my life than the plan I have. It's taken me awhile to come to terms with that, and therefore, I haven't blogged in a long time. But, while I was on my trip to Utah, I had a very real reflection moment. I haven't been in Provo or near BYU campus in 2 1/2 years. The last time I was there, I hated it: my parents were getting divorced, my best friends either getting married or going on a mission and I had complete stress over going on a mission. As I walked on campus last Friday, I had a moment. I was sitting outside Professor Cope's office, sitting on the same bench where I waited for her to tell her my parents were getting divorced about 3 years ago. And all these emotions came back. But the strongest was gratitude that things, but especially I, have changed. I was in the same place physically, but not emotionally or spiritually And that is the best. I am no longer a negative person. I can identify and express my emotions. I believe in families. One of my deepest desires is to be a wife and a mother. I think the best thing is change. It's also nice when you realize other people have changed too. I had the chance to be around several people I haven't seen for years. And it made me realize that some things about them that I thought were just part of their personality had changed. And it also made me realize that people I once hated had redeeming factors. People, ultimately, are good. Sometimes I don't see that. I had the opportunity to change my opinion about someone from BYU that I had genuinely disliked for a long time.It was such an intense moment. But it also made me so grateful that I belong to a church that not only believes in change, but encourages it. The whole point of the atonement is to change and become more like Christ. And that is the greatest miracle of all. Especially for someone who always feels she falls short. While with my friend Danny, we were chatting about how it's so hard because we both have big consciences. We were discussing about having to forgive ourselves for silly mistakes is often tough. And as luck would have it (read: HEAVENLY FATHER IS THE BEST), Elder Cornish addressed this same topic during conference. He said:
"Let me be direct and clear. The answers to the questions “Am I good enough?” and “Will I make it?” are “Yes! You are going to be good enough” and “Yes, you are going to make it as long as you keep repenting and do not rationalize or rebel.” The God of heaven is not a heartless referee looking for any excuse to throw us out of the game. He is our perfectly loving Father, who yearns more than anything else to have all of His children come back home and live with Him as families forever. He truly gave His Only Begotten Son that we might not perish but have everlasting life!1 Please believe, and please take hope and comfort from, this eternal truth. Our Heavenly Father intends for us to make it! That is His work and His glory."- Elder Cornish.
And the best thing is he was my area authority president for my mission. And he's the one that told me that stress is a form of pride. And several other things. Basically, answer received loud and clear. It was also so so so good to see Marisa, Linds, Hermanas Fife and Mapa and my seester. I haven't laughed that much in such a long time. It was very therapeutic and very needed. Yay for good friends! It was a very good weekend, full of reflection and gratitude. And more on that later!
Some general updates:
I got converted to an 'otter' at work. Basically that means I am no longer a temp and I can officially say I work at Otterbox. I was super surprised/excited, just like this otter:
Look at how cute this is.
I applied to CSU to do a master's in Teaching English as a Second Language. Ever since my days on the mission teaching Dominicans English, I realized it's something I enjoy doing. And I'm good at it. And it's something I can teach refugees. So it's a win-win. And I found out I can be a graduate assistant and get free tuition. So wahoo! I NEVER thought I would ever apply for an MA in teaching. Or at CSU. But then, I think about how loving Heavenly Father was for inspiring me to not go to Georgetown. It was a very hard decision, but now I may get a master's degree, with all my tuition paid, in a field I actually enjoy. And that is the beauty of listening to the spirit. I thought of the quote I read often on my mission, which is from President Monson quoting someone named Benjamin Landart. He says, "The greatest decision I ever made in my life was to give up something I dearly loved to the God I loved even more. He has never forgotten me for it." So true. It was true about serving a mission and letting go of Georgetown the first time. But it's also still applicable to giving it up the second time. Heavenly Father is truly merciful. And why wouldn't we want to follow His plan? He is a perfect Being with a complete understanding of everything, but also with a complete understanding of who we are! How great is His plan! I don't know how people make decisions without the influence of the Spirit. It honestly makes me sad.
Now onto some pictures of my life recently:
Seeing Michal (and meeting Emma!!) for the first time in over 2 1/2 years!! SO HAPPY!
Me and the boys at Darby's wedding.
Danny and I's first picture in like 4 years!
Wedding fun with aunt Sierra and grandparents!
Temple square with Linds and Marisa.
Hermana Fife (JoLee) and I went to the Dominican restaurant.
Mason, McKay and I!! Three returned missionaries!
Father/daughter cooking tamale class! Even though they were vegan, they were delicious.
So that's it. Changing, growing, crying, laughing. The whole catastrophe. Life is good my friends.
This blog post may or may not be an ode to how much I love Amy Pohler. She is a boss woman. POHLER FOR PRESIDENT. But not just her, I also love the character she plays, Leslie Knope, on Parks and Recreation. Her character Leslie is crazy. She is super passionate and gets into everything way seriously and way quickly. She celebrates friendaversaries, and loves birthdays and always goes the extra mile. She gets stuff done. People who know me and have seen that show, always compare me to her. And I loved it. Until recently, I've felt pressure to not be like that. And I've decided, screw that! Embrace the Knope. She is such a boss. And I love this quote by Amy. Mostly because I do care a lot. Even about people I may have just met. Thanks to my friend Erika and a great book she lent me, I've made the goal to talk to everyone. (Just like my mission days!) And it's been great because I can be even more of a Leslie once I know more people. I bought a co-worker who I had just met cupcakes for his birthday and sent a Book of Mormon to someone else I had just met. Miracles come from compassion and caring. And so, from now on, I am going to keep caring. And caring a lot. I am going to call you reminding you that a year ago to the day, we were putting an appointment with the hamburger man who lived down the street in the DR. Or that six years ago to this date, I helped you scavenge your retainer from the garbage bin. I will try not to suffocate you with how much I care, but be warned! Also, everyone should read Eat Pray Love because I love this quote:
If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time—everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check.
This is how I have always felt about friendship and I am sure it will transfer over to whatever relationship I have in the future. It's true. I care and I care a lot. And that leads me onto what I've been doing with my life.
I've been in a weird dark and twisty place the past month. Friday was supposed to be my last day at my temp job. In a few days, I was supposed to be heading to Georgetown, becoming a boss and saving all the refugees in the world. That's how I envisioned it anyway. This past month has been learning about who I am and what I need to be doing with my life. I have been attending the temple and reading my scriptures and doing everything and I was not getting any answers. I even got a job in Salt Lake that was all about helping women with their self esteem. Can anyone say, dream come true? It would have been a very basic job but it would have been helping. And right after it was offered to me, I knew I shouldn't take it. It was super frustrating. Until last week.
I was fasting and I felt prompted to look up teaching English as a Second Language degrees after reading my mission journal. I mentioned every single week in my journal in the beginning how much I loved teaching English class. About a year ago, I had a strong prompting while on my mission that I was not going to Georgetown and that I was going to be a teacher. I remember the moment vividly as I was traveling to our mission office and I had a two and half hour bus drive. I was looking at the window, thinking about home (I wasn't usually this trunky haha but it was Christmas time) and thinking to myself what I was going to do. And I just felt this reassuring peace and a sweet nudge from the spirit letting me know I should teach english. I had long forgotten about that until I was reading my mission journal. The next day, Erika texted me and randomly told me I should look at online programs. And that was also an answer to my prayers. I felt the sweet assurance that I should get a degree in Teaching English as a Second Language. And if that wasn't enough, (because let's be honest, I am a tough cookie to crack), I had the prompting to re-watch this video which is a video of my mission president talking about unity. ( I LOVE THAT MAN!) But, I had already seen it. And so I was confused as to why I should watch it again. And then, the next video came on. And I legit don't know where it is anymore, but it was a video about a woman teaching refugees English. Tears flowed from my eyes. I've always had this gift where I have insta-revelation. Where, all of the sudden, I just KNOW I need to do something. However, since my mission, it hasn't happened that way. Except now. So I don't know why I still need to be in Fort Collins while I do my degree online, but I do know that I need to be here. Heavenly Father is so kind and loving!
I've also had so much fun for birthday week! I went to see my cousin in a play that was about being a boss woman (she was the lead pirate) and went out for dinner with Erika. My dad took me to sushi because he is the best. No one else will go with me. We had fun and went for ice cream and bought cookie butter. I also had the opportunity to go out with the spanish speaking sisters. It reminded me of my mission so much! <3. And then, I got to Skype Hermana Alonzo for the first time! I hadn't talked to her in 4 1/2 months since she was still in the DR. She saved my skin on my mission for so many reasons and it was so great to hear from her!! I love that lady! On my actual birthday, my papa made banana pancakes and my omi made plantains! I went and hung out with my dad at work and then ate Subway. (That tradition is still very much alive. I think it's been over 12 years now that I've eaten there for my birthday). I then ate a bunch of food and hung out with my mom. We ended the evening at Red Robin, another tradition. It was super fun!! As I was driving home, I talked to Lindsey (who bought me the best birthday cards ever. Literally a card with Hillary on it). And then I finished the night listening to Hello by Adele on full volume. Pretty sure being 24 has been really nice. Yay for birthday week. My dad even wrote on my Facebook wall, so I am pretty sure my birthday was the best. Because that doesn't ever happen.
Last night was awesome. I had the opportunity to go through the Fort Collins temple. I just love the temple. Ever since I gained my testimonies that families are forever, it is always my favorite place to be. Yes, sometimes it's tough. But I loved seeing all the artwork and then walking into the sealing room. The last time I was in a sealing room was my first week on my mission. It was my only P day in the MTC and for some 'random' reason, my district was assigned to do proxy sealings. I really REALLY did not want to participate. But I was chosen to be a daughter. And even though I knew hardly any Dominican spanish, I understood everything the sealer said. And from that moment on, my testimony about the sealing ordinance, or the ability to be with my family forever, started to bloom again. It's real. It'll happen. I'm not quite sure about the logistics in my family. but I do know that it all works out. And for now, that is just what I am going to hope in and for: an eternal family. Its an excellent goal and I will strive for nothing less. Because I want to be with my family forever. Even if they are super weird and send me crazy snapchats.
I also want everyone to read this talk by Marvin J. Ashton. It is the best. It talks about how the gospel is not a checklist. It doesn't matter if you have been baptized, gone on a mission or even gone through the temple or been sealed. You haven't 'made it' until you are in the celestial kingdom. I get fed up with people who treat the gospel like a checklist. Like "well, I went on my mission, All that's left is getting married." FALSE. All that is left is enduring to the end. Doing everything Heavenly Father asks of us. One piece at at time. The fifth step of the gospel of Jesus Christ is enduring to the end, not getting married. Not going on a mission. Not having kids. It's about being a valiant disciple of Christ day in and out until you are at His feet. That's why the gospel is great. With constant refining, we will ultimately make our goal of living with our families forever. And better yet, we will be more prepared to do so!
And on a final note, everyone should listen to the new OneRepublic song because it's the best:
Anyway, here are some pictures of the recent adventures I've had:
Ice Cream night with the oldest and youngest granddaughters!
Night time swim party with Erika!
Birthday picture with BOTH of my brothers smiling. #winning
HERMANA ALONZO IS HOME!!!
Sushi with the only person who will go with me- my dad!
Hey friends! It's been a crazy couple of weeks. But full of good things! I've done this new thing where if I feel like doing something, I do it. And the other day, I was on the freeway, parked in heavy traffic, windows down (because of that whole no A/C thing), blaring Good Life by OneRepublic while watching the sun set behind the mountains and I just thought to myself, life is good. I'm letting go of all the stress and taking it one day at a time. The other day at work, I received the email officially letting me know I had been removed from Georgetown. And it made me realize that I needed a mental health day. So instead of feeling bad and staying at work, I left and went to a latin restaurant and ate my latin comfort foods. And that made me happy! Look at that face:
THEY HAD JUGO DE CHINOLA!
Shoutout to boss woman Tracy from DC for telling me I didn't have to know everything about my life right now. It made me calm down quite a bit. In other news, I realized that I needed an attitude adjustment. I was being super prideful. So I prayed to Heavenly Father and I just asked him to let me have a better perspective about working at Otterbox instead of moving to DC and being a boss woman at Georgetown. I just want to be helping refugees and living in a foreign country doing boss things RIGHT NOW. So, mostly I asked for more humility. I prayed about it extensively for a few days. And then something happened. I had a phone call with a lady that lasted about a half hour. And she said at the end, you completely changed my day around. I was having the most terrible time and you completely switched that. And I realized, customer service IS in fact helping others. I may not be teaching African girls english or helping newly arrived refugees with everything they need, but I am helping. And it made it all the better. I can now stop obsessively applying to jobs and just be still. I am Leslie Knope, so staying still and doing nothing for a bit freaks me out, but it's gotten me here so hopefully it all works out. I love that Heavenly Father answers even the weirdest of prayers. So, I did decide to pay a crazy amount of money and see Adele for my quarter life, "I'm not going to Georgetown" crisis. And honestly, it was the best night ever. I was sitting in a row of just three people. So it was just me and the lesbian couple I made pacts with to not judge if we cried too much. From the first note of "Hello, it's me," I was dying. Especially because she was literally so close!! And then they carried her in this little box thing to the main stage right underneath me. haha she was so so funny. And then the moment of truth came. She sang "Someone Like You." Yes, I know everyone is obsessed with this song. But really, it's helped me through so many bad moments. And Michal knows the best about that haha. That poor girl always had to listen to it during whatever bad moment I was having at work on repeat. Like when I got a C in Biology. When a boy I liked wrote a 'hilarious' blog post about what I thought had been a legit date. When my parents were getting divorced. When I realized I was NOT going to marry one of my best friends. And all those pre-mission moments when I was super sad. AND even the time I was on my mission, having the worst day and hating life and hearing it through some strange women's window. *We contacted here and she progressed quite well. I always say Heavenly Father uses your strengths and weaknesses for good. Sorry President Corbitt*. And for the first time, I didn't cry. I love what Adele said about another song she sang, that it "both heals and breaks your heart at the same time." That song has always made me feel sad, but as she sang it, I felt the healing power of it. I physically felt that I was over those dark and twisty days. It was very therapeutic. And now, I won't have to thing about that same boy every time I hear it. It's been six years since I first heard it and I always thought about the same person each time. And that night, with a bazillion other people, I felt myself freed of those sad reminders. D DAY IS OVER. (The only person who will understand what this means is Michal, so sorry to the rest of the people who just read that long paragraph for nothing. In a nutshell, I basically paid $400 for musical therapy). Also, just a very public shoutout to Michal Christine. I love her. Seriously. SO MUCH. She was the first friend I had that just innately understood me and I love her for it. I never feel self conscious about anything I tell her. I can be a crazy lunatic about boys, or I can tell her I never want to get married, and either way she somehow understands. That is true friendship. Especially because I have a WAY intense personality that most people don't get AT ALL. It's hard making friends as a 24 year old single woman in Colorado haha and so I am just eternally grateful that she not only gets me, but understands and loves me. She is one of my ultimate boss woman examples. She is righteous, knows her worth and is the most charitable and loving person I know. Thanks for putting up with me for the past six years. I don't know what I would do without you. Who else would I complain/over analyze everything with? Also I want everyone to read this speech. I read it before my mission, but it was perfect for my mood. I've been stuck in the past for a bit and Elder Holland helped that out real quick. My favorite quote was when he said, "then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives." So here's to finding out what's in store for me! Who knows what will happen? Maybe I will stay in Fort Collins. Maybe I will move to Seattle. May I WILL join the Peace Corp and move to Zambia. I have no clue. But that's half the fun.The only real priority right now is to find a lake that I can walk around. Some pics/videos of recent adventures:
Because she is the best and I am STILL in a musical coma.
She was so close!
Ice cream date with Madison
I finally got my classic BYU mission shirt. It was the best. Thanks Papa!
I have sometimes joked that if I don't get married in this lifetime, I'll just be C.S. Lewis' second wife in the next. And it's a pretty good backup plan if you ask me. I just love him. I also love this quote. I am doing a lot of waiting because...
I DO NOT HAVE ANY CLUE WHAT I AM DOING. Typing that sentence makes me honestly want to die. The only thing I feel super good about is being in Fort Collins, which is also a plot twist. I have been in such a weird head space these last two weeks, which is super sad because they've been so fun with some unexpected things! I have this problem where I've been just randomly yolo doing things. Like I randomly applied for a job in like three seconds here in Ft. Collins... and I got a job interview. And I was really excited about it. And then freaked out. My problem is my personality is just so weird. Sometimes, I am ALL in for everything. I want to be loving and date and just try whatever job and move wherever and then my brain comes in the way and I just absolutely freak out. So sorry to everyone who has met me or talked to me in the last month. I've just always been the girl with the plan and they didn't ever involve staying in Colorado, dating, finding a job or even wanting any of those things. So massive changes. It's hard because there's still this huge part of me that wants to go to Georgetown, never get married and be a boss Secretary of State. But since I know I'm not supposed to, it's hard! I don't know how to describe it. But basically, I've been a mess the past couple of weeks. My brother's girlfriend, Jessika, sent me a link with a personality quiz just to see if I would still get the INTJ result. And I did. But then I read this:
And I honestly just wanted to share it with everyone. STORY OF MY LIFE people. It is so hard being a woman and an INTJ. (For those of you who do not know what I am talking about, please take the Meyers Briggs personality test. It'll change your world). I want to be open and optimistic, but then when it comes down to it, I just shut down. I have like a brave quota and once it caps, I am done. I am brave and then chicken out. As I was spending my Friday evening watching Cinderella (also that sentence is kind of embarrassing but whatever) I loved the tagline of "Have courage and be kind." So I decided to be brave and just come right out with it. And then I realized, I am brave and care up to a point and then I just shut down. I want to have an awesome job, get married, have kids and be a full-time mom. (Right now as my mom and several other people read this, they may fall over dead. But it's true. I don't know who I am right now!). But there's still such an innate part of me that rejects all of that... so I'm in a weird transition mode. I just wanted to give a shout out to everyone who has helped me in this transition mode. I am sorry for being weird. And sorry to all my good friends that I've been ignoring recently. It's just hard to be so different around people who knew what you were like. But I've changed. And to be completely vulnerable and honest, I do want to be a mom. After my job interview, (with this really sweet spanish non-profit!! pray that I get it!) I called my mom and told her if I didn't really care if it didn't pay well because I honestly just wanted to get married and have kids. I think she almost dropped the phone. Maybe this is too honest of a post. Maybe people will be weirded out by it. But the point is, people change. But it is a process. It's hard. Especially when you've spent your whole life not wanting to date or get married and basically hating half of the population of the world. Basically, the atonement is real. Because there is no way I would be here typing this out if Heavenly Father literally had not changed my mind. I look forward to what happens in my future. I have no plans, so I am hoping that Heavenly Father guides me as He always has. And His plans have always been better than mine. Several of my 'yolo' moments have worked out for me... Mainly paying an exorbitant amount of money to see Adele. Because if you're having a quarter-life crisis, who better to wallow with than the queen of sad music?
I CANNOT WAIT. She will be getting her own blog post next Monday. Unless I am in a musically induced coma. Which will probs happen.
Life up here in Fort Collins is definitely an adventure. I came here thinking I was moving to DC, so I basically ignored people... so wish me luck!
And everyone I am close to, I am sorry. But thanks for sticking by me as I figure out my new self. Thanks for loving my new self even though it may not see as 'boss' as who I used to be. I am still here, just a more humbled version.
I am fairly certain that I have used this quote as a header for another post... but it is just so applicable to how I feel right now, that I am using it again. It's so powerful. And often attributed incorrectly to F. Scott Fitzgerald because it's from the Curious Case of Benjamin Button screenplay, but not the book itself. Anyway, it's not that I am living a life I am not proud of, it's more because I am having the courage to 'start all over again.' In a nutshell, I am not going to Georgetown. I will explain that in a bit, but for once in my life words don't really do it justice. I really liked a picture one of my friends posted a little bit ago, so this is how I would describe it visually:
It's perfect. Before my mission, I was eager to change the world. To work for the State department. To be the first Mormon Secretary of State. I did not want to get married or have kids. So basically, pre-mission Kelsey was very sad to let Georgetown go in order to serve a mission. But the change I experienced on my mission was life-changing. After the mission, I knew I wanted to get married and be a mom. I also knew that I still wanted to change the world, but working for the government seemed less appealing. As I was getting set apart for my mission, I felt the spirit strongly indicating that this would change the course of my life. I didn't know in what way, but I am forever FOREVER grateful to have served a mission. I've changed. I'm different. And one of the most important things I've learned on the mission is that my definition of a boss woman has changed. A boss woman is a woman who knows her divine roles and also who is brave enough to do what she needs to do. A boss woman doesn't necessarily mean being very public and helping save the world on an international level, though it could. It could mean a righteous 88 year old woman who walks 2 miles to church every Sunday in 90 degree weather. It could mean a single mother going back to school. It could mean giving up full-time professional jobs in order to have a family. Or, it could mean being single and providing for herself. A boss woman has a plethora of definitions for me now. Being a boss woman is not being afraid to be yourself.
On the mission, I felt strongly I shouldn't go to Georgetown. So much so that I wrote to my family and some few friends letting them know. At the end of my mission, I had no clue what I was going to do, but I had faith in Heavenly Father that it would all work out. The only thing I knew was that I was supposed to live in Fort Collins. (still don't know why on that one, but that's cool!) So, I came home and when my job search went bust down here in Littleton, I looked for jobs up there and got a job in less than two days. But then my old self creeped back in and I decided I NEEDED to go to DC. So that was that. But recently, I haven't felt good about it at all. The other week, I went volunteering at an event for foster and adopted kids. And I loved it. I loved being a volunteer and not having to deal with all the bureaucratic crap that non-profits have to fight through to get anything done. I showed up for 5 hours and helped kids and left.I helped. That's what I wanted to do. I then got my link for registering for Georgetown, and while initially excited, as I combed through the classes, I didn't feel that wahoo pumped feeling. And then I realized I saw no classes for humanitarian and refugee work. I freaked out and instantly emailed them to see if it was still offered. And then something weird happened.
Those of you who know me well know that I can receive revelation in bizarre ways. I was watching the movie Wild (which is based on the memoir by Cheryl Strayed) on VidAngel and something struck me to the core. I won't quote all of it but I loved two specific quotes: "how wild it was, to let it be" and "perhaps by now I'd come far enough that I had the guts to be afraid." Those hit me but then there is a part where she really faces herself and her past. (For Mormon readers offended by strong language, please skip!) This is what she says:
“What if I forgave myself? I thought. What if I forgave myself even though I'd done something I shouldn't have? What if I was a liar and a cheat and there was no excuse for what I'd done other than because it was what I wanted and needed to do? What if I was sorry, but if I could go back in time I wouldn't do anything differently than I had done? What if heroin taught me something? What if yes was the right answer instead of no? What if what made me do all those things everyone thought I shouldn't have done was what also had got me here? What if I was never redeemed? What if I already was?”
And then all of the sudden it hit me: I don't want to go. I had been hoping they would write back and tell me that program was no longer available so I didn't have to go. To be honest, I don't know why this quote hit me. Because I've never had a heroin addiction or done nearly any of the things she had to forgive herself for doing in her past. But, it was just such a raw moment when she faced who she was and who she wasn't. And I realized I could forgive myself for not wanting to go to Georgetown anymore. So I went to the temple the next day and the spirit was overwhelming. But as soon as I walked out, my old self came back. I mean, this is Kelsey Marie Davis and I had been lobbying to go to Georgetown for over 3 years... and I got in! And then they let my defer to serve a mission. In what world does that happen? But, thanks to my incredible mission, I've changed. That doesn't mean that I don't want to still change the world because I definitely do. I'm just not sure what that looks like now. I am okay to be 'afraid' and not know exactly what the future looks like. For the first time in nearly 24 years, I have NO clue what I am going to do. I would still like to work in the humanitarian field and with refugees, but I don't know what will happen. But without a concrete plan, it will lead me to more divine inspiration. I think sometimes when I've had my whole life planned out, Heavenly Father had to sent some pretty clear revelation to get through all the noise of my plans if He felt something should go different. I didn't really decide I was supposed to serve a mission, I was TOLD through the Spirit so strongly that I couldn't even question it. Hopefully now that I am more open, I can let the holy spirit guide. And I know that whatever happens, it is what I am supposed to do. The first time I gave up Georgetown, I had the most unforgettable year and a half of my life. So whatever is coming my way will be just what I need. So for now my new mantra is: "How wild it is to let it be."
Apparently people say that C.S. Lewis should not be credited for this quote, but I love that man. So I'm keeping it out of spite... I just thought this was exactly how I would summarize my decision to serve a mission. Several of you know I did not absolutely NEVER IN MY LIFE want to serve a mission. But more on that in a minute... My time as a full-time missionary seems so quick and yet so long. I loved it! It was HANDS DOWN the hardest thing I have ever done physically, spiritually and emotionally. But I came to love this little island and its people. First off, let me introduce you to my other halves while I was out there. As an LDS missionary, you always have a companion 24/7. And while I thought it would be awful because I am an introvert, it turned out to be really wonderful. Let me introduce you:
Hmas. Mapa (Tonga/California), Jensen (Texas) and Flores (Guatemala), Lastra (Mexico), Olvera (Mexico), Alonzo (Honduras) and Fife (Alaska)
So these are the women that helped me through it. Each of them helped me in ways that I will never be able to thank them. They were all inspired and helped me with each one of my weaknesses. I always had a companion for specific reasons that only Heavenly Father could have known and directed my mission president to put us together. However, I want to share a special shoutout to my mission mom. When you come to the mission, your first companion is your trainer and you call her your mom. And my mission mom, Hermana Mapa was an absolute angel. I am sure it was hard to train my "beginning of the mission" me, but her happy, stress-free attitude set the course of my mission. I will forever be grateful to be her 'daughter.'
Yep. She looks like a fly Tongan and I look like an idiot. But I love her.
She came to Colorado for the weekend!! We look a lot better now that we're not sweating!
So in short, best experience I've ever had.I learned a lot. I made a list my last free day on my mission of the things I learned, but the list keeps on getting longer even after the mission. And while I know there are new adventures waiting for me, I certainly loved this year and a half, life-changing experience. Amo la Republica Dominicana!! I wish I could write more about what my experience was but it's just too hard to be brief! :) I just want to share a quick story as an example of how great the Heavenly Father's love is perfect. Most of the time, I share stories about incredible miracles that happened in other people's lives on my mission. And there are several. I will write so much more about their experiences later. But I want to share something really personal that only a few people knew about when it happened. Several people have told me that I just "look happier" or "brighter" and I want to explain how that happened. I remember the exact date: July 7,2015. A situation happened where the most perfect investigator my companion and I had did not receive permission to get baptized. I FLIPPED OUT. I don't mean like just mad but it was a testimony trying moment. I did not fall asleep until late into the evening. I woke up and just felt terrible. I asked myself, what's the point? I then began questioning everything I had come to know over the past 10 months about families. I told my companion, who LUCKILY was sick that day, I didn't believe it. I didn't believe that families could be together. It was all just a cruel joke and I couldn't believe that I had wasted my last 10 months as a missionary and nearly 23 years of my life on this. I told her I was taking off my plaque and going home. I was calling my mission president and I was going to be on a flight direct to Colorado. I had a pity party that my parents had been divorced. I cried and whined for about 30 minutes. So basically, the classic dramatic and negative Kelsey Davis the world had known before I served a mission. And she looked at me, and said, "Hermana Davis, you know better. I am not going to listen to you complaining about your family life any longer. Your family is sealed and you were born into the covenant. Some of these people we are teaching may never have the privilege of being with their family in the temple in this lifetime. I need you to pull yourself together so we can go save Dominican families today." I was shocked. No one had ever been so direct or bold with me. It was one of those tough love moments. I got even more upset and walked out of our bedroom. Since it was just the two of us, I walked into the kitchen. I knelt down and said a prayer. And I just felt this tiny impression that I needed to focus on the wonderful things that had come from being a member. I started a list and by the time I was done, the list took up the whole page. I realized how many great things had come because of my parents originally getting married and sealed in the temple. I was so happy for my companion's advice and even though things were not perfect, she helped me to feel more at peace with the situation.
And then this happened:
Yep my soul sister companion (side note: I originally did not want to be her companion, which we always laugh about now), made me get over myself. She made me walk to the "mountains" and drink a batida (these delicious mango smoothie things Dominicans make). It was so inspired and then a few hours later, we received permission for this investigator to be baptized. What started off as one of the worst days of my mission had become one of the best. But that's not where this story ends. A days later, after our investigator's baptism, I was transferred. And a week later, we had a leadership meeting. It was my first one, and I was a bit nervous. I had asked President for a blessing because I was still having residual feelings of anger about families, which he indicated he would give to me after the meeting because it needed to be started right then. Then, my mission president started talking about eternal families and relating a bunch of neat things to Isaiah 3. We talked about the effects when society does not make families a building block in its structure. I felt the overwhelming presence of the Spirit testifying to me what I already knew: families are forever. And while we may not see in our current lives how it works out, it does. And then I had another prompting: one of the reasons I had to come and serve a mission was to learn how to become a defender of the family. Una defensora de la familia. The spirit was so strong and poignant that I ended up bursting into tears. I will forever be grateful for that moment. I've always heard of having clear impressions from the Spirit, but I have never had that clear of an impression in my entire life. I don't know how I ended up in that exact meeting only a week later after this experience, but I do know that I had an inspired mission president. (Who,by the way, still gave me a blessing afterward, not knowing he had already given me comfort) A few months after that, I had an interview with my mission president. He had not known about all my specific struggles, but he did know that my testimony about families took a long time to develop. It was a year to the day exactly that I had entered the mission field. Peace and love filled my mind as we talked about how much I had changed my opinion about families being forever. I could testify with ease and love that families are forever and that Heavenly Father has a divine purpose for each of us. I am so grateful for righteous priesthood leaders that have helped me before, during and after my mission to help find my inner best self and for blessings that have provided immense comfort and direction.
President Corbitt and I!
I am so grateful for this inspired man, Hermana Alonzo, and all of my companions who helped me along the way, but especially my Heavenly Father for inspiring me to serve a mission. To me, the greatest miracle that happened on my mission was who I became. Before my mission, I was a dark and twisty person.I listened to sad music and focused on all the wrong things. I loved dark colors and darkness.Not spiritual darkness, but just the negativity that comes with it. I always focused on my problems and what my needs were and how unfair life had become. My mission helped me to "live in the sunshine," like my new blog quote says. So maybe, I'm not walking across Georgetown's beautiful campus with my master's degree, but I have something of infinite more worth: a knowledge that families are forever and that Heavenly Father loves us so perfectly! And that is why my countenance is brighter and I am a happier person. My new scripture from my mission is D&C 50: 25 " You may know the truth, that you may chase darkness from among you." I am so so so happy that God is making me and that He inspired me to serve a mission even when everything seemed to be leading me to Washington DC. Everyone was shocked when I announced I was going on a mission instead of heading to grad school. But, it was the BEST decision I have ever made thus far. I am also so happy that He stills guides me today even though I am not a full-time missionary anymore. I sincerely hope to be "born in God's thought" and become the person He needs me to be right now. I hope that someday I get to explain all of this to my children. But until that happens, I will just have the faith that everything can and will work out the way it needs to to become the daughter of God I need to be. I know that miracles exist and that the atonement is real. Without it, I would not be able to be here today, testifying that families are forever and that Heavenly Father has an individual plan. I love the people I served with, served under and taught. All these people served me a lot more than I ever served them.They will be forever engrained in my brain as people who met me when I had finally accepted the light. And now, I am onto new adventures, back to DC for my grad school, just a few two short years behind when I had originally planned. God's plan is perfect!
