Anyway, I am blogging so late at night because I just finished watching How to Make an American Quilt. My mom LOVES the soundtrack and I grew up listening to it in the car. That music will always carry me to my mother wherever I am. In the movie, which is actually based off a book, there are a few women sewing a love quilt where the theme is "Where Love Resides," The movie journeys through these women's love lives. But the part that gets me the most is the very last scene. One of the women meets the person she ends up marrying while she is diving. They also go diving on their first date. Through the course of the movie, he ends up leaving her. She doesn't dive anymore. But the end of the movie, with the score swelling as it happens, she is an old woman and she climbs up to the high dive and jumps in. That's the way it ends. And I cry every time. I cry because I love that even though she's had so many crappy things happen to her, she was willing to go back to her passion and remove the limit she had put for herself. The rest of the movie is okay, but that scene just inspires me so much. It doesn't matter what point you are in life, you can jump off the high dive.
Also, now you should listen to the song:
After I watched it , I was reminded of the quote that I titled this post. My friend Sofia posted it the other day and it really spoke to me. My blog header used to have my title of the blog on it: Anything but Ordinary. I still love that title. Because it's true. I don't want to be an ordinary person. I want to be an extraordinary version of myself. I also strongly believe in change. And these past two years, serving my mission and coming home, have been the most transformative for me. I think it's because while on my mission, I had to face some things. But more on that later.
I've always been intrigued by the old phrase of doing one thing a day that scares you. I used to do my 'fear of the day' in college. I checked off ordering my own food, riding on the Tower of Tear (only slightly traumatic at the age of 21), calling my dentist to schedule an appointment, and applying to Georgetown even though I didn't feel anywhere qualified. But it wasn't until a recent conversation with my Omi that I realized I wanted to change that a bit. She mentioned that all the times I've said I would never do something, I almost always DID do them and enjoyed them. I said I would never go on a mission. When I decided to serve, I said that I was fine to go anywhere but a third world country. Then I did go, served in the Dominican Republic, and it's been the most rewarding life experience I've had thus far. I laugh thinking about the things I survived that I thought I would never do. But mainly, thinking about the six weeks my companion and I didn't have running water, so we either had to beg for someone to lend us 5 gallons of water (to share between us) for one week or use baby wipes. But here's the thing: I survived that. And not only survived it, the rest of my mission taught me so much. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had stuck to my mantra of never serving a mission. It's sad to think about. I also said I would never be a teacher, and here I am, an applicant for an MA in Teaching English as Second Language. Before my mission. I said I would never love being outdoors. But now, I love being outside and exploring. Basically, her words hit me. And I realized, I needed to do more things. I realized that I was limiting myself. I was giving myself unnecessary boundaries.
So I made a list of a few things I said I would never do. I won't share that now because some of them are personal. But one seemingly dumb one stood out: running. I HATE running. I said I would never ever run. And then I started thinking about why. And I could scarcely admit it to myself, but I was self conscious. I grew up with siblings who ran and a best friend who was a crazy good runner. Comparatively speaking, I was in no shape (both figuratively and physically) to even be close to them. So I shut it down without ever really trying it.
So I decided to be brave. Take a jump off the high dive. I went on a run around the lake near my house a few weeks ago. And can I tell you: IT WAS SO LIBERATING. I knew no one and no one was around. I realized I loved how it felt. I loved being able to focus on something and also be processing my day in mind at the same time. I've been going on runs every week now. And I while it's not my favorite thing yet, it is slowly developing into something I enjoy. (Don't fall off your chairs everyone. People can change).
As an INTJ woman, I lead a very cautious life. I don't let people in very easily. People seem to think that since I am a very public person that I trust people. But I realized doing this (still on-going) experiment, that I never really let people in. I treat life like a chess board, always looking forward and moving my pieces around until I win. I like to always be ahead of the competition. I like to know what my opponents are thinking. And if I sense any emotional danger, I run. I like to analyze what moves make the most sense at specific times. But the thing about life is that there are people in it who are most definitely not pawns. Most people are on your side of the board. They're NOT your opponents. They're protecting you. And while it may be scary to be vulnerable and let them in, it's so much better and more fun to let them in. *Also, as an aside, I don't really know how to play chess... so if this metaphor doesn't quite work, just ignore it. You get the point*
So going back to the quote, a lot has changed. I'm not at Georgetown. I am applying for a degree where I will become a teacher. I go on runs outside at least four times a week. I count the calories I eat. I want to be a mom. (This is a big one. I always said I never wanted to be a mom, but change is great). And you know, actually admitting to all of this makes me drop the facade I've carried for so long. I've always wanted to have the illusion that I have my life together. That I know what I'm doing. I am a people pleaser. And that's great, because I end up helping a lot of people. But finally freeing myself to saying, "yes, I think I will try that" has allowed me to become more who I am inherently. I hope all those who read this will be able to realize the limits they are putting on themselves. Then go and jump off the high dive with me! A quote I have always loved is from Nelson Mandela: "Let our choices reflect our hopes, not our fears." I hope I can look back on my life, and know I tried all the things possible. That I took risks, jumped without knowing all the consequences, that I dared to let someone love me. That I had the courage to change and become more myself every day. And when it didn't work out, that I climbed right back on the ladder and dived again.
