I love writing because it helps me rumble with my emotions. I largely chose English as a major not only because I love books (which was obviously a big reason!), but also to learn how to express myself in written format since verbally expressing myself makes me anxious. (Again, more on that later). I also love reading because it is often through someone else's words that I begin to assign meaning. I cannot tell you how many books have changed my life simply because they were a story I could see myself in. (This is why I always argue that books and movies should portray different people so that everyone can become absorbed and felt understood. I literally get sad thinking about how my children probably won't love reading as much as me). Anyway, these past two days with nothing to do, I read two books that were super fantastic: Rising Strong by Brene Brown and The Subtle Art of Not Giving a {Expletive} by Mark Manson. Now I know the title of the second one does not seem church appropriate. But if you can get over the language, what he really says is so great. (One thing I loved at BYU as an English major is we were taught that anything could have literary value even if it had 'inappropriate' stuff going on. It's part of who I am to not reject something simply because of its source or presentation. However, if strong language offends you, I would not suggest it. Since I have developed a swearing problem sometimes, I actually kind of liked it.) Brown's book is all on vulnerability and how to reset after a 'failure,' and Manson's on embracing the fact that most of your life is ordinary and that you need to accept responsibility for everything that happens to you whether it's your fault or not. Both of them have the common theme (oh gosh, yes I know I'm going English major on you and it's just how my brain works) that we are in control of the stories we tell ourselves. i.e. We can change what we value and what we think is important. Please read them if you have the chance. It caused me some deep reflection about stories I've told myself.
I've told myself a lot of stories in the past (and some still bounce around in my head):
- No one wanted to date me because I'm overweight
- My parent's divorce is the reason I have problems with commitment
- The more I learn, the better person I am and the more value I provide to the world.
- Crying or showing emotion is weak
- Asking for help is a sign of weakness. I should always be able to handle everything by myself.
- Having questions and not accepting everything at face value is a lack of faith.
- I always have to say yes when someone asks me to do something because that's the way a responsible person behaves
- Going to Georgetown and remaining single will make me happier than getting married.
- Getting everything done that I can possibly fit in a day makes me successful. If I laze around, then I have no value.
- I have to achieve all my goals and I cannot fail at any of them.
- If I make a mistake, everyone will stop loving me and I will never recover.
- You can only gain a testimony by having a feeling.
- BYU was a terrible school (not because of the education, but because of the culture)
- As an oldest child, I have to set the positive example for my family
- Labeling myself as something other than a conservative or becoming a feminist meant I was a bad Mormon.
- It's okay to eat six cupcakes because you deserve it you boss woman!
There's obviously a lot more because we tell ourselves stories every day, but these were the most significant ones that have affected my life. In ConRes, we would call these positions. Having read "Getting to Yes" a zillion times in my program, I have really come to understand that I, like any other human being, am very positional and defensive about my positions. These stories that I have told myself do not express my interests or my actual values. They express my fear of rejection, always feeling like I have to be an example and some of my bad behaviors. My favorite way to describe positions versus interest is a story about orange and two sisters. Both sister argue that they need an orange (their position), but there's only one. Thinking the best solution is compromise, the mom cuts it in half. However, it turns out that one sister wanted the rinds to make cake while the other just wanted to make orange juice. (their interests) Both of them could have gotten 100% of what they wanted had they actually explored their positions/stories they tell themselves. I think about this story often when someone says something that instantly makes me angry. I am working on stepping back and asking myself two questions: What is their interest/story they're telling themselves? and what is my interest/story I'm telling myself? Anyway, this is basically a paragraph explaining that while I expect the rest of my life I will have to defend/explain my degree, I am in the right program and I have learned a lot.
From now one, I am going to go through the rumble, as Brown suggests or take responsibility for my part of my stories at Manson suggest. Brown's book focuses also on how you always have to remain curious. If you are stuck in your position/story, and have no ability to look outside it, then you really can't make any change in the story and you're stuck in a miserable loop. As part of that rumble process, I've written some of how I have gotten out of an old story and put myself into a new one.
One story I frequently tell myself is that BYU was a cause of a lot of my problems. I've never really written about it formally but now I realize that while there is a lot of truth to that, a lot of it was me. My senior year, I was practically inactive in my heart. I would go to church because I wanted to be with my roommates, but I was telling myself the story that "I had been lied to because families aren't forever." While telling myself this, I couldn't help but think if that was all a lie, what else was? I also hated being around people who were so single minded. It seemed as if everyone was a blonde, had perfect 4.6 GPA, perfect ACT score, played six varsity sports, participated in school plays and played 5 instruments. Then some of these exact people would be drinking and sleeping around, then show up on Sunday in a leadership calling. Obviously I am exaggerating that, but it was the culture sometimes. A lot of times, I couldn't feel the spirit because people were just so competitive. I loved being in my English classes because we would talk about different points of view and liberal politics and feminism. Most people laugh, but in retaliation to the culture there, I became even more focused on being a boss woman. I also learned that while people may be CRAZY ONE SIDED and not critical thinkers, I don't always have to be in opposition to their point just to show them the other side. I think I largely started hating on marriage because I resented the fact that I came to college to earn a degree while everyone else was focused on getting married. I'm happy that I attended BYU. I met some of my closest friends there and I also had to rumble with who I actually was outside of my parents and their testimony. It was jarring, and perhaps that's why I hated on it so much, but it was informative. That being said, there is some real work that needs to be done there and I will not be one of those parents that tells my children they can only go to a church school because I'm not sure it's a fantastic environment for everyone.
One of my other positions/stories I tell myself is that I need to stop being so logical because a. I am a woman and that's what is expected of me and b. that's the only way to learn spiritual things. I have a lot of questions. When I get to the next life, boy will I need to have long conversations. I am fairly certain I am still kind of in that toddler mindset where I wish I could just say, "But why?" after nearly everything someone says to me. In my ideal world, I would spend forever in different schools because I crave information. One of my top strengths from Strengths Finder (which I highly recommend taking. It literally changed my life and made me feel so understood), is being a learner. I crave information the way some people crave attention. I wish I could just sit and research every single Wikipedia article. I wish I could go to Pharmaceutical school or study anthropology or read every book ever written. I know that sounds crazy, but I would totally do it if it were possible. I take the adage that the only things we can take with us to the next life are our bodies and our intellect. (It also makes me so happy that I get an eternity to learn. It's my favorite part of the whole plan). One of my favorite things to tell people is that I gained my testimony of the Book of Mormon while at BYU while we studied more as a piece of literature. I also tell people that Heavenly Father uses how we think to help, and for some reason, reading it in a 'this is potentially not a literal story, but there's still some value to it" really helped solidified its truth. And now that I've "rumbled" through that, I no longer tell myself that that wasn't a valid way to receive revelation. Plus, now my testimony is rock solid and it's my favorite book. If we are operating under the assumption that Heavenly Father created us each individually (and I always think under this framework), then we also have to assume that He, better than anyone else, even our spouse, knows how to communicate with us. He's the only person with whom we can have perfect communication. How neat is that? Okay, I am off my soapbox now.
I was in the temple on Friday and felt inspired to do initatories. (In addition to the spiritual benefit, I am pretty sure Heavenly Father knew I had a raging sinus infection and needed something quick so I could make it to my doctor's appointment). As I sat listening the words, the spirit seemed to magnify all the times it talked about, essentially, our brain and its ability to pick out good and bad. (trying not to be specific here since it's a sacred place obviously). Towards my last time going through, I teared up because the spirit was so strong. I again realized that the Spirit can work different ways and I felt as if Heavenly Father were telling me, "Hey, guess what? I made you and I understand that you need to process everything and take it apart. It's cool." Maybe He doesn't actually speak like that, but that's how it felt. This was my most recent rumble with the story I told myself that I needed to focus more on feelings to receive revelation. Most of the time I have what my friends and family jokingly refer to as a "Kelsey revelation," where a thought permeates my mind with such intensity that I can't shake it.
I've also worked through a lot of my commitment issues because Taylor is very patient with me. He knows that I told no one except my mom that we were engaged for a few weeks and guess what, he still loves me! Pretty cool, I know. I no longer assign the blame to my parents because honestly, a lot of it has to do with my skeptical mind. The sweetest thing that Taylor has ever told me was when he told me divorce was off the table in our relationship. I teared up and was more touched than when he told me he loved me for the first time (sorry for that brutal honesty!). Getting to rumble through these emotions has been the most rewarding thing in my life because Taylor makes my life happier. I used to literally loathe women who 'waited for their missionary.' I still hate that phrasing because it makes me look like I'm just chilling and doing nothing with my value while he's out there. But, I am happy that I get to support him on a mission. And I am beyond happy that I found my person before he left so that way I have so much security while he's out knowing that it's going to work out. I laugh thinking about how I thought getting married was a cop out. I look forward to rumbling through any problems we experience together and know that it will be worth it because Taylor is a perfect partner for me. One of my favorite things about him is he lets me rumble. He doesn't need answers immediately and is totally supportive of me thinking things through because he has to also! He is a very private 'rumbler' and I love that he shares with me everything he's thinking about it. I'm not ashamed to say that I miss him a lot and wish he was here so I could kiss him whenever I wanted. If that makes you cringe, you can take comfort in the fact that it made me low-key cringe even now typing it out.
All these stories are things that I have actively worked on. One thing that my mission taught me was to overcome my story of not asking for help. There were SO many days on my mission that I needed help. Sometimes it was divine help, but most often it was help needed from my companion, who was in it with me. Other times, it came in the form of members or even investigators who would recognize that I was trying to support an entire congregation by myself and would just tell me to be "tranquila" (calm). One of my district leaders literally told me that had I died when I was a missionary, my tombstone should read, "Tranquilate Hermana Davis" which means calm yourself. haha I attribute these various experiences to understanding why marriage is such a great thing! Who wouldn't want someone to be go through all of life's experiences and loves you even with all your crazy flaws and freak outs. (Or who literally sends you marriage prep homework because she's still lowkey terrified about screwing up a relationship. Taylor really is the best guys).
Even now, I am telling myself the story that if I blog about it, I am more responsible. Who knows if that's true? For now, I am going to keep rumbling with vulnerability and getting out of my "feedback from Hell loop" that Manson spends most of his time writing about. I hope you get the chance to rumble with your stories/positions as it's really helped me with every type of relationship I have. Going back to all original thoughts, I don't have to be perfect anymore, and that is so freeing because it allows me to be good. Feel free to call me out when I'm telling myself some old story.
