Hi everyone! It's been a hot minute since I've blogged. I realized I didn't blog at all last year and that seems pretty indicative of how wild last year really was for me. So many changes! If you don't follow me on social media, I married Taylor in September and then we moved to Arizona a week later for his new job! So all the new things! I genuinely love Arizona a lot now. I was super apprehensive to move to a new state RIGHT after getting married but everyone here is so so nice. Like bizarrely nice. More on that later. It's been nice and I haven't been getting sinus headaches so that is a definite plus. I really love the quote I chose as the title for this blog post. I was watching the series finale of Madam Secretary (sad since I loved this show!) and one of the characters included this in her wedding vows and it really spoke to me. I am ALWAYS waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every time I've made a decision, I've run it through the worst case scenario so I can prepare myself for if that happens. So when she said this, and it was at her wedding, my heart really connected to it. I, like Jane Austen, feel like I am happier than I deserve in my life, especially being married to Taylor because I thought I would NEVER get married. And it's not because of big moments, but like the little ones. Like this morning, when my hair was super frizzy and it was driving me nuts. I decided to rub a dryer sheet on it (since I've heard that works) but couldn't reach the back or the very top so Taylor walked over and just helped me to do it. That's true love y'all.
Anyway, here are some thoughts that have been jumbling around my brain the last month since I've had a lot of time to think:
- My 20 in 2020 list has been going well. Here is the full list with some updates of how I've done for the month of January! (You can mostly skip if you've seen my stuff on Facebook)
- Make an authentic Italian dish. I LOVE Italian food. A lot. And I hate cooking. A lot. So in order to crack this one, I used some of our Christmas money to take a southern Italy cooking class. It was so much fun! And so delicious. I was partnered with a widow whose children purchased this class for her. She was so nice! We made the polenta with mushrooms and fontina but all of the dishes were delicious and now I am convinced I need to go on an extended vacation in Italy...
- Go on a cruise. We booked a cruise for the week of our first anniversary so yay!
- Find and memorize a poem.
- Hit 100 classes at Pure Barre. I will hit 27 classes this month! (We have a black barre challenge where we do 15 classes every month for a year, but then they threw in a mini 12 classes in 12 days challenge at the end of January, so my legs will be jello at the end of this month but whatever. I love me a good challenge!)
- Read 10 memoirs or Pulitzer prize winning literature. This month, I read the Goldfinch. It was VERY long but I felt like an overall pretty good read. I also feel like it could be less than 300 pages instead of the 854 it clocked in at.
- Visit the Grand Canyon.
- Credit card and car free of debt!
- Trip to Seattle with Cassie
- Dance it out once a month. Did this will Taylor was in Omaha visiting his brother. I am going to make a dance it out playlist and share it on this blog next month.
- Choose a monthly quote. January's is "Happiness, not in another place, but this place. Not for another hour, but this hour."-Walt Whitman. I am taking suggestions for my February theme/quote!
- Blog once a month.
- Go to the temple 12 times. We made it to the temple twice this month to do sealings. More on that later.
- Stay current with Come, Follow Me
- Go to an escape room
- Listen to a podcast once a week. I have really been enjoying listening to podcasts. Yes, I know that I am behind on this but it's because I'm not really an auditory learner and so it was hard for me to get on this train. I've listened to some from The Motherhood Tribe, Things You Should Know, The Skimm, Matthew Hussey, and just today listened to one called Don't Miss This! which is focused on the Come, Follow Me every week. I'm loving it!
- Set up my reading nook. Completed!
- Sugar and social media fast (7 days)
- Hike Camelback Mountain
- Meditate once a week. I am using Insight Timer and I love it! Yesterday, I had an intense nightmare and I was anxious all morning. We went to the grocery store and for some reason, I kind of snapped. I came home and my sweet husband turned off the lights and then I put on my weighted blanket and did a 23 minute meditation for anxiety. I ended up falling asleep for the last few minutes because of how relaxed I had become. It's a miracle!
- Laugh deeply frequently (harder to 'measure' but I did marry someone who I think is very funny so it works out)
- I really really love when Heavenly Father allows me the opportunity to very intentionally reflect on my life. I had one of those very clear moments on December 26. On December 26, 2013, my dad had already moved out of our house and my mom was moving out. I, being SUPER conflict adverse, had decided to take the GRE that day without studying. (Not my smartest move but whatever since I did get into three different schools haha). And then after I took the GRE, my car steering wheel got stuck and my uncle had to talk me through getting it unjammed. It was, overall, a terrible day. A few days prior, I had seen Frozen and sobbed my way through "Let it Go." Then on December 26, 2019, a member in our ward aptly named Joy invited us to help her do some family names for sealings. The spirit was so strong in the room that night. We had the opportunity to seal four daughters to their parents at one time. As I heard the words of the sealing of children to parents, I just felt the spirit so strongly that I began to tear up. Here I was, six years later, doing sealings with my spouse having completed my master's degree a year prior in conflict resolution despite many obstacles against me. How did that even happen?! I also had loved the new frozen song "The Next Right Thing" which is about being fearful but having the courage to do whatever the next right thing is and that has become my theme for 2020. I know many people. family members included, were nervous I was marrying Taylor a month after his mission. To be honest, I would have been concerned knowing me too! I'll let you in on a secret: *I* was also nervous. But I knew it was the right thing to do. And guess what? Being married to your best friend and going through ups and downs together is the best. Plus even though I still carry trauma that 'forever' relationships can end, I have faith and we put in the work to make it forever.
I love being married! I did a lot of work on myself during the two years he was on a mission. This included learning about my triggers and biases and unhealthy way of viewing relationships. It also included learning to be vulnerable 100% around him. It was a lot of effort! Yikes it's hard to dig back into your past and see why you are the way you are.That being said, I wish people would stop saying being married the first year is hard. I'm about to get on my soap box here, so please please read because I'm super passionate about this. If you've gotten to know the person you've married right, there's not a whole lot to fight about! (Taylor and I aren't fighters, but we do have set aside time each week to check in with each other. It's a nice safe space and by that time, unless it's a hill I'm willing to die on because it's so important to me, it's not that big of a deal). Yes, you have to learn a lot about each other, but it's also fascinating. Case in point: our first week in our new apartment Taylor had like four of his little cups in the sink by the end of the day. I grew up with the mentality instilled by my mother that you have one big cup you used every day until it was washed and you switched it out. So I'm sitting here like ugh I am not going to wash all these because doesn't he know you only get one cup per a week?! Instead of phrasing it like that, I asked him, why do you like using different cups? And you know what his answer was? Because he likes the different colors and sometimes he just really wants a yellow cup. Once he said that, I was like okay, in the same way that I enjoy using the same cup because then I don't have to make a choice, Taylor likes different cups for the different colors and variety brings him joy. Good to know because my worldview is that I need consistency for joy. The idea that someone would want to change their cup all the time seems (in a small way) anxiety-inducing for me. A VERY small thing but once I explored it with curiosity instead of irritation, I had no problem with him using different cups throughout the day.
When you tell people who are in unhealthy relationships that "all relationships are hard" or that "the first year of marriage is really hard," you're essentially telling them that what they are experiencing is normal. GAH. NO! Let me be clear: abuse of any kind including your spouse disrespecting you is not normal or healthy! Another gentle, but firm reminder is that bishops (our ecclesiastical leaders) are there to help us SPIRITUALLY. They are not licensed marriage therapists or therapists of any kind. Sure, they can listen but they should not be giving you any advice in relation to your marriage. I had an excellent YSA bishop who listened and supported my worries about getting married but he also suggested therapy. That's the perfect balance! I was on the phone the other day with a close friend from college and I was telling her that the only way I was FULLY able to get married was to process the fact that Taylor and I could get a divorce. I sat and pondered this for an entire day and what my worst case scenario would me for us getting divorced. It was a tough day and honestly wouldn't super recommend it haha. But after, I was reflecting on how my parents are healing from their divorce. Looking at the past 6 years, I could see that getting divorced was really the best gift they gave us as kids, but also for their personal development and growth. I cringe at the sentiment that we oftentimes preach at church that you should never live with the mentality that divorce is an option. Guess what? Divorce is an option and sometimes it's the best option. Looking back at it, I almost wish my parents had gotten divorced sooner so that I would have had a longer time to watch them heal and develop before I got married. And less time of being privvy to a relationship that wasn't working anymore. To anyone reading this in a relationship where you feel belittled or berated emotionally or physically, please don't 'stay in it for the kids.' Trust me when I say, your kids are experiencing MORE trauma listening and witnessing an unhealthy relationship. Please please make the courageous move and get out of it before it impacts them deeply. I understand what I've just typed is probably controversial but it's really how I feel. Let's start talking about how life is hard but if you're in a healthy relationship, the hard parts are made easier by having a loving spouse who is always in your corner. And if you don't have that loving spouse in your corner, please please be more open to getting out of that relationship!
- About mediation! I've always thought the phrase that Christ is our mediator was really cool. And then I learned more about mediation through theory and training, and I realized it's a really cool title for Christ because mediation is all about empowering people to be their best selves and helping them make their own best decisions. In essence, whenever we talk about Christ being a mediator, I had always imagined him interfering with our decisions. But that's not what a great mediator does. A great mediator listens, lifts up the positive emotions and empowers a person to come to their own conclusions. Mediation respects agency. I love thinking about a loving Savior that knows and loves us and wants to help us make our best decisions, but doesn't force us. Mediators also can handle differing truths in a room and I love thinking about how much our Savior loves us even when we aren't following Truth (truth with a capital T)
- I've become low-key obsessed with Brene Brown. I LOVE HER. One of my new favorites is from her:"Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let out true selves be seen.” So in an effort to be more authentic and vulnerable, I do have to admit that being in Arizona has been tough due to my career options. I really did love working at my past job (though it was wild!) in Colorado. I don't want to look back with rose-colored glasses, but I do really want to work in restorative justice. I worked as a special education para for about six weeks and quit because I had been unofficially offered a job as a PBIS Coach (positive behavior interventions! right up my alley!). Then, a few days later, he EMAILED me to let me know the position had been filled without any explanation. So that was infuriating. I have cried MANY times about job stuff. I have continued my job search but random things keep on happening. Like I applied for an entry level job at the Better Business Bureau (because it's at least ConRes related!) and they let me a voicemail to interview me and then I called back multiple times and left messages to no avail. I have felt very worthless the last month because I have some credit card debt that accumulated from health stuff while I was in grad school. If I am being honest, normally I would wait until I got a job to talk about it in my blog post. In an effort to be more authentic, I am going to post it today knowing full well I am jobless. I had a final interview for Grand Canyon University for a conduct officer so we shall see about that. In the meantime, I have been praying to use my time wisely because I realized last week that I just stay in the house and it makes me super depressed. It's been a hard month with a close friendship seeming to fray what I felt was somewhat randomly. I am very glad for Linds, my mom and Taylor for listening to me cry without judgement and holding space for me when I need it the most. That being said, please send me positive vibes I will eventually figure out what I personally am supposed to be doing here in Arizona. It is VERY hard to be the woman that moved to another state because her husband got another job. I always thought women were weak for doing that because I like providing for myself financially. But now, being in this situation, and KNOWING without a doubt that we are supposed to be in Arizona, I see the other side of it. Dang, I really need to stop saying I'll never do something. (Seriously though because I have often said I will never have more than two kids and I am sticking to that for now haha) It's hard because I have been almost financially independent for nearly a decade so to have Taylor be our only income and having him provide for me makes me very anxious because I am a control freak. I think part of the reason I've struggled with job stuff is for this very lesson. I've learned to be more vulnerable about finances and having 'someone else' aka my SPOUSE provide financially for us for the past month. Learning to be interdependent is hard for me sometimes but it's also a fun journey. Also Taylor is adorable and made me a promise that I won't publicize but essentially involved him being willing to move to accommodate my career as needed.
- Santa Claus miracle dude. Okay so I didn't meet Santa Claus. Well, I can't confirm that either. But, like I mentioned earlier, Arizonans are SUPER nice. Our first week here, we went to Walmart and we were looking for something and I was talking about how I just wished all our stuff was already moved in. This college-aged guy starts talking to us and asking where we moved from and I'm thinking that this dude is going to try and sell us something so we need to peace, but then he just says welcome to Arizona and I hope you love it. And then he walked off! WHAT? Anyway, so I was on a walk with Lola a little bit ago and this cute old man was getting out of his car and stopped me to ask if he could give Lola a treat. I told him of course! So then he told me about how he had this dog for like 14 years and fed it bacon every day so that "he could just have the best life." We ended up talking for about 20 minutes about how he had moved here from Germany and that it had been hard. He was going skiing later that evening. At the end, he just sincerely thanked me for listening to him and as I walked off, I was just thinking about how sweet he was and how grateful I was to have met him. One of my mission companions, JoLee, had sent me something that someone had said in a talk that reminded me of this moment: "She (the person speaking) met this lady that she said she felt like she had known all her existence, and who Heavenly Father put in her path on earth, for however brief a time, just because he knew it would make their spirits happy." I love that! You never know the impact a conversation can have. Plus as I walked away, he summoned me back and gave ma huge box of Ghirardelli chocolate, so what a bonus!
That's about it. January was full of some very fun random moments like exploring a five floor library and trying new restaurants. I am excited to see what February brings and hopeful that I will have more answers to my individual purpose here in Arizona. I am very much enjoying the 73 degree weather we currently have!
