I am fairly certain that I have used this quote as a header for another post... but it is just so applicable to how I feel right now, that I am using it again. It's so powerful. And often attributed incorrectly to F. Scott Fitzgerald because it's from the Curious Case of Benjamin Button screenplay, but not the book itself. Anyway, it's not that I am living a life I am not proud of, it's more because I am having the courage to 'start all over again.' In a nutshell, I am not going to Georgetown. I will explain that in a bit, but for once in my life words don't really do it justice. I really liked a picture one of my friends posted a little bit ago, so this is how I would describe it visually:
It's perfect. Before my mission, I was eager to change the world. To work for the State department. To be the first Mormon Secretary of State. I did not want to get married or have kids. So basically, pre-mission Kelsey was very sad to let Georgetown go in order to serve a mission. But the change I experienced on my mission was life-changing. After the mission, I knew I wanted to get married and be a mom. I also knew that I still wanted to change the world, but working for the government seemed less appealing. As I was getting set apart for my mission, I felt the spirit strongly indicating that this would change the course of my life. I didn't know in what way, but I am forever FOREVER grateful to have served a mission. I've changed. I'm different. And one of the most important things I've learned on the mission is that my definition of a boss woman has changed. A boss woman is a woman who knows her divine roles and also who is brave enough to do what she needs to do. A boss woman doesn't necessarily mean being very public and helping save the world on an international level, though it could. It could mean a righteous 88 year old woman who walks 2 miles to church every Sunday in 90 degree weather. It could mean a single mother going back to school. It could mean giving up full-time professional jobs in order to have a family. Or, it could mean being single and providing for herself. A boss woman has a plethora of definitions for me now. Being a boss woman is not being afraid to be yourself.
On the mission, I felt strongly I shouldn't go to Georgetown. So much so that I wrote to my family and some few friends letting them know. At the end of my mission, I had no clue what I was going to do, but I had faith in Heavenly Father that it would all work out. The only thing I knew was that I was supposed to live in Fort Collins. (still don't know why on that one, but that's cool!) So, I came home and when my job search went bust down here in Littleton, I looked for jobs up there and got a job in less than two days. But then my old self creeped back in and I decided I NEEDED to go to DC. So that was that. But recently, I haven't felt good about it at all. The other week, I went volunteering at an event for foster and adopted kids. And I loved it. I loved being a volunteer and not having to deal with all the bureaucratic crap that non-profits have to fight through to get anything done. I showed up for 5 hours and helped kids and left.I helped. That's what I wanted to do. I then got my link for registering for Georgetown, and while initially excited, as I combed through the classes, I didn't feel that wahoo pumped feeling. And then I realized I saw no classes for humanitarian and refugee work. I freaked out and instantly emailed them to see if it was still offered. And then something weird happened.
Those of you who know me well know that I can receive revelation in bizarre ways. I was watching the movie Wild (which is based on the memoir by Cheryl Strayed) on VidAngel and something struck me to the core. I won't quote all of it but I loved two specific quotes: "how wild it was, to let it be" and "perhaps by now I'd come far enough that I had the guts to be afraid." Those hit me but then there is a part where she really faces herself and her past. (For Mormon readers offended by strong language, please skip!) This is what she says:
“What if I forgave myself? I thought. What if I forgave myself even though I'd done something I shouldn't have? What if I was a liar and a cheat and there was no excuse for what I'd done other than because it was what I wanted and needed to do? What if I was sorry, but if I could go back in time I wouldn't do anything differently than I had done? What if heroin taught me something? What if yes was the right answer instead of no? What if what made me do all those things everyone thought I shouldn't have done was what also had got me here? What if I was never redeemed? What if I already was?”
And then all of the sudden it hit me: I don't want to go. I had been hoping they would write back and tell me that program was no longer available so I didn't have to go. To be honest, I don't know why this quote hit me. Because I've never had a heroin addiction or done nearly any of the things she had to forgive herself for doing in her past. But, it was just such a raw moment when she faced who she was and who she wasn't. And I realized I could forgive myself for not wanting to go to Georgetown anymore. So I went to the temple the next day and the spirit was overwhelming. But as soon as I walked out, my old self came back. I mean, this is Kelsey Marie Davis and I had been lobbying to go to Georgetown for over 3 years... and I got in! And then they let my defer to serve a mission. In what world does that happen? But, thanks to my incredible mission, I've changed. That doesn't mean that I don't want to still change the world because I definitely do. I'm just not sure what that looks like now. I am okay to be 'afraid' and not know exactly what the future looks like. For the first time in nearly 24 years, I have NO clue what I am going to do. I would still like to work in the humanitarian field and with refugees, but I don't know what will happen. But without a concrete plan, it will lead me to more divine inspiration. I think sometimes when I've had my whole life planned out, Heavenly Father had to sent some pretty clear revelation to get through all the noise of my plans if He felt something should go different. I didn't really decide I was supposed to serve a mission, I was TOLD through the Spirit so strongly that I couldn't even question it. Hopefully now that I am more open, I can let the holy spirit guide. And I know that whatever happens, it is what I am supposed to do. The first time I gave up Georgetown, I had the most unforgettable year and a half of my life. So whatever is coming my way will be just what I need. So for now my new mantra is: "How wild it is to let it be."
