"We can choose to be perfect and admired or to be real and loved."-Glennon Doyle

Hey friends! This will be a shorter blog post than I normally do. That's partially because QUARANTINE and my inability to focus on anything and also because what I have to say it pretty brief overall.

The biggest news is a recent health update. Nope, not pregnant. Don't get your hopes up people. Getting married was way out of my comfort zone so y'all gonna have to wait on that. Anyway, I was officially diagnosed with Hashimoto's and hypothyroidism. Without getting into too many specifics, I just wanted to say that I honestly felt spiritually guided on this journey to finding out. Many who are close to me know the crazy symptoms I've had with various health issues the past several years. I've advocated for myself at several different doctors and they all just thought everything was 'pretty normal' that was going on in my body. The main issue was feeling tired no matter what. I could take a nap every day (and now that I work for home, that's what I use my lunch time for!). I love taking 25 minute naps. I always feel better. But I've always felt shame about that and how sick I am all the time because then I feel like I am wasting time or not being a good *insert role here*. I honestly felt like people are sick of me complaining about the same thing all the time. Anyway, back in February, I was on Instagram (also this story is further proof that the spirit does really use what he can to speak to you in your own language) and I saw something about hypothyroidism posted by a girl whose workouts I used to do on Popsugar Fitness on YouTube. I was like huh don't know what that is but it stuck out to me. I googled it when I saw her post it again the next day. (I don't know how God speaks to you all, but if I see something that sticks out to me twice, it's usually important). As I was reading through all the symptoms, I felt seen. I talked to my dad about it and found out more of my family history with it and then also found out more about my mom's side of the family and their thyroid history. So I set up an appointment with an endocrinologist and hoped she would believe me. Guess what? She did. Most supportive doctor I've ever had. I just got my results and the first thing I felt was relief. This wasn't all in my head! I wasn't lazy or depressed or getting sick all the time because I worked too hard. It wasn't normal what was going on! I've gone through a lot of emotions since, but mostly it's one of gratitude that someone I used to workout with via YouTube posted her health journey and that somehow led to me finally getting some medical answers. I am so grateful for Heavenly Parents that use whatever platform (right now it's Instagram haha) to guide me into finding answers. And most importantly, I am grateful for a spouse that has never once vilified me for being sick or made me feel ashamed about having to take naps or getting sick all the day. Taylor is the best husband for me and I am so grateful we get to be together for forever.

Anyway, speaking of health stuff, I am going to talk a little about mental health. I feel like the last few months have been very interesting for me on an emotional level. I do NOT do well with emotions. I hardly ever know what I am feeling in the moment except sad, angry or happy. That is a child-like way of emotions so I have been learning more about it through my work and through podcasts and such. I am currently obsessed with Brene Brown's podcast. She has so many awesome people and I love her mantra of stay brave, awkward and kind. Two takeaways from her podcast are: 1. Pain is pain and we don't need to compare suffering and 2. it's normal to feel lonely even in situations where we are with people we love and 3. by showing up as who we really are, we are liberating others to share who they are with us.

I have always had a problem (as my mom will definitely attest to) about comparative suffering. I can be having a sob fest and in the middle of it try to talk myself out of it by talking about someone else has it infinitely worse than what I do right now. I loved her podcast with a guest star that focuses on grief and he said "the worse pain is your own." For some reason, that really hit me and I've been working really hard to allow my emotions to just be. It's very hard for me to not compare. I am also obsessive about managing my emotions and wanting to just process them quickly which I've realized is actually a trauma response, so I'm working on that. Trying to have a healthy response to emotions will probably always be hard, but it's been an interesting little study on myself.

Loneliness. Guys. I have always been fascinated about this and found it interesting that my patriarchal blessing mentions the fact that I feel like I am alone a lot. Because I "feel" different than a lot of women I know, I've always felt somewhat left out. I never really feel I fit in many different places which is why I have several really close friends who share the same humor and that's pretty much it. I have very different viewpoints on things. I have recently discovered so many people who think like me about church and societal expectations and it's been freeing. I am not the only one who wants to stay active AND feels like there's so much that needs to change in our church. I am not the only member of this faith that wants to work and finds SO much fulfillment from helping in a professional capacity. I am not the only woman who believes church doctrine AND also believes we are getting a lot of stuff wrong that is causing trauma and damage to its members. One of the most freeing things I learned while in my master's degree was the idea of 'both/and.' You have the capability to hold two conflicting emotions in you. I've always thought it's weird that I can agree with both sides of people who vehemently oppose each other but when I learned this, I realized it's normal.  (And also a nice ability for my profession of choice because conflict is just that-conflicting!) I can both love my Heavenly Parents and be disappointed by the cultural expectations and messages the church presents sometimes. How cool is that? Anyway, this is my long way of saying it has been SO nice to find people who think the same as me as I've always felt kind of isolated.  Even now, being married, I don't feel like the normal married women. I love Taylor and I also heartily acknowledge he isn't my whole life. He cannot fulfill every need (I had this point smack me in the face the other day when I wanted to be hyper and that's just not a place he goes. Though he lovingly listens to me while I am in that phase. Shout out to Taylor for loving me in my crazy hyper stage). This kind of turned into the third point of being who you really are and that has been really freeing. I have always been scared to post or discuss things about societal or church culture because I am the "people-pleaser and I want everyone to love me and think I am a good church girl." I don't like stirring the pot (unless you're close to me and then I will debate you until I die!) publicly. And I am a good person. But that doesn't mean that I don't have the need to discuss the issues I see need to be fixed. Literally on Friday, my work finally acknowledged an idea I had about four weeks ago to solve a problem with parents having to organize info and we've had so much positive feedback. Some people may call me pushy because I didn't give up on it, but that's because I believed it would help parents-and it did! But unlike many, my core personality is a fixer and I am so hopeful of the changes and shifts in every aspect of life that we will continue to see in the future.

Anyway, being married is fascinating. Yes, I know that sounds like I am going to be super analytical, but it really is so interesting. You never know how many things you believed are 100% truth until you're married. For example, we went to the car wash yesterday, and Taylor drove to the vacuums first. In my brain, I thought but you don't vacuum first! You have to wash the car first. And then my second thought was wait that's not actually a fact. You don't HAVE to wash the car first. It's just how you've always done it. It's been so fun to learn how ritualized my behavior is and learn that there are so many different ways to do things. I also like that Taylor and I think differently and that he can take me from chaos into clarity with very few words. However, it's also fascinating because I never fully realized how much my family and societal norms and culture impacted me. I find myself doing things subconsciously about how I feel I should be acting as a wife that are not true to who I am. (For example, cooking haha. As we all know, that isn't my jam) Taylor has never once asked me to cook dinner nor does he expect it, but I feel that pressing need that if I am home (like now since I am working from home) that it's my responsibility. It isn't whatsoever and I told Taylor and he was like I don't care if I cook dinner or not. And that's what I realized I was forcing this idea onto myself subconsciously that didn't need to happen. It's been really cool to see what behaviors I find myself engaging in that aren't true to myself and how I slowly realize I can change that. That being said, I am SUPER grateful I married someone that doesn't follow social or cultural norms (inside or outside of the church) and doesn't pressure me to do all the homemaker stuff. That is not my scene. Though I do love to clean and it has benefited Taylor because I clean like a mad lady during the day haha. Anyway, the point is getting married is a nice way to self-reflect on a lot of things with your best friend and that's the best.

That's it folks. Quarantine doesn't have me feeling very eloquent but I usually blog when I feel this compulsing need to share my story. Having talked to my aunt Sierra, (which was also a very validating experience!) I feel like I may start to share more on this blog as time goes on. Have a safe and happy Sunday!

“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.” Friedrich Nietzsche

I swear February flew by and that's why I'm writing this today and pretending it's February 30th instead of March 1st so I can count this as my blog post for my 20 in 2020 list. Speaking of here's an update on that list:

• I hit 100 classes at Pure Barre! This was exciting because I've done barre for the last year but I could only afford taking 8 classes a month in Colorado and then it didn't transfer over here. Now that I can take unlimited classes (for the same price as my 8 in Colorado. THANKS PHOENIX!), I hit it in less than four months. I got to sign the barre and join the 100 club. I even bought some barre socks that say 100 club on it. Taylor knew how important it was to me, so we got Rubios and he had bought donuts from Bosa's that made 100. So fun! Now onto 250!
• We finally went to an escape room. This was on both Taylor and my's 20 in 20 list. We found a cheap Groupon and went to the sketchy part of town with some friends from our ward. It was actually super fun! We did the Kidnapped room. The wives ended up being 'kidnapped' and then the husbands had to find us and then we proceeded to the final room together. It was so fun and we ended up doing it in less than a half hour which was awesome! We had the best mix of people on our team!
• I am really loving listening to podcasts. Right now I am listening to the rest of the Come Follow Me for Us podcast. The host is from Arizona so it's been fun to listen to her and gain some insights. I love when people are honest about the gospel. Also I am lowkey obsessed with Julie Hanks and all her insights about church culture and how damaging it can be. She is the best. Please look her up on social media and read her posts about people leaving the church, on dividing up housework and about being able to balance wanting a career with being a mom. She's super real and firey in a respectful way that I really appreciate. She really focuses on partnership marriages, meaning that both contribute to family and housework. It's literally the best. My favorite was when someone asked about how dividing housework is potentially against the Proclamation on the Family and she literally just responded that it says NOTHING about doing chores as a duty of women. YAASS. Also grateful that I married a man who does laundry and cooks whenever without being asked. 

Other updates:

I love my job! Seriously. I love the school and the kids and the teachers. Working in a charter school is way different and the way they do things is really different, but my boss is the best. We are all just a bunch of weirdos and it's so fun. I know it was so tough to be unemployed for a bit when we moved here, but this was definitely worth the wait. I love feeling valued for my very specific skills. I had this moment when I was de-escalating a kid and afterward he told me he was grateful I really listened, "not that fake listening adults do," where I felt so at peace knowing that I have some pretty unique talents. Which brings me to...

rereading Girl, Stop Apologizing. I love Rachel Hollis. I almost used one of her quotes from her as the title of this post. She just talks about how you never should apologize for your goals and dreams. This month, I felt really down about who I am as a woman. I feel so isolated because I think so differently than the majority of people I know. I never look at a situation in a way that most people would. My brain is always whirring and thinking about it from different perspectives. It's exhausting sometimes that I can't just read something and think like the masses. Sometimes I wish I had a 'normal' desire to want kids and be married. I wish that I could just accept things on faith instead of being in my head about them for years on end on things I want changed in the church. I honestly feel like it would be easier. Instead, I have always been compelled to have a career. I love being married though which is super nice. I realized I am SO much more fulfilled when I am helping kids. My attitude has been so much more positive knowing I can make a small difference. My entire countenance has changed. I reread my patriarchal blessing and felt a deep peace that my heavenly parents gave me these attributes and talents to be used. I am grateful to have a very unique skill of being able to help kids solve problems. As Rachel says so aptly, “I cannot continue to live as half of myself simply because it’s hard for others to handle all of me.” I also love this quote later on,“You are allowed to want more for yourself for no other reason than because it makes your heart happy. You don’t need anyone’s permission, and you certainly shouldn’t have to rely on anyone’s support as the catalyst to get you there.” I am grateful for the people who love my whole self, but most especially my husband who believes in my dream and supports it. And my heavenly parents who created me and support me in all the ways they can. One of my favorite parts of the gospel is knowing that I get to develop and learn and grow for ETERNITY. What a blessing.

I also did something way out of my comfort zone before I got this job. I ended up getting my substitute teaching license. I realized while talking to my Omi that everything I do always leads me to working with kids in schools. So I got it and then looked into alternative methods to get certified to teach (since Arizona is one of the few states that doesn't require you getting a degree). I think I would love to become a dean of students and had I stayed in Colorado, it wouldn't have been plausible since I wasn't going to go back to school to get certified as a teacher. But now it may be possible. Just another reason to always listen to Heavenly Father when he tells you to move somewhere even though you have NO IDEA why.

I am loving my book club. I love all the women in it and I love the discussions we have. It's so fun to learn and disagree and get on random tangents. I honestly look forward to it every month. I love the fun environment and how nice everyone is and I can't believe I haven't been in one sooner. Literature matters people.

Last night, I was deep in my thoughts about my immense fear of having kids. I deal with kids who have experienced severe trauma every day and I just couldn't help thinking that I was going to mess up my kids too much. I was thinking about how scary it is not knowing what will hurt them until you accidentally do it. I think of my own trauma and also how ALL of my mission companions carried trauma from their parents that greatly impacted them. I had spent all this week thinking about how I just didn't think I was ever going to have kids. Taylor and I went to a fireside last night with Richard Bushman and Kathleen Flake. (Yes it was so cool after I took so many classes at BYU on church history). They were speaking on the restoration. While they didn't mention anything groundbreaking, I did like that they talked about how we should let Joseph mature past a 14 year old boy and not just limit him to his first vision self. I liked that. Anyway, as we were getting into the car, this thought about how I would just screw up a kid was in my mind. I mentioned it to Taylor and in classic form, he responded in one sentence and my fear suddenly vanished. Like what he said IMMEDIATELY brought me comfort. I won't share specifics or any other personal experiences where Taylor has given me a one sentence answer, but let's just say it's been many. I am grateful for a partner who, when I've been in my head and am so far deep in thought, can be inspired to alleviate all that stress with one sentence. How grateful I am that I felt inspired to date him. We will be recreating our first date this month (March 29, three years ago!) and I will write about it later. Also, for the record, we won't be having kids for a while, so don't be asking us about it since I wrote this post haha.

I definitely feel like February was a month full of love and joy. Until next time!

"I must learn to be content with being happier than I deserve."-Jane Austen

Hi everyone! It's been a hot minute since I've blogged. I realized I didn't blog at all last year and that seems pretty indicative of how wild last year really was for me. So many changes! If you don't follow me on social media, I married Taylor in September and then we moved to Arizona a week later for his new job! So all the new things! I genuinely love Arizona a lot now. I was super apprehensive to move to a new state RIGHT after getting married but everyone here is so so nice. Like bizarrely nice. More on that later. It's been nice and I haven't been getting sinus headaches so that is a definite plus. I really love the quote I chose as the title for this blog post. I was watching the series finale of Madam Secretary (sad since I loved this show!) and one of the characters included this in her wedding vows and it really spoke to me. I am ALWAYS waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every time I've made a decision, I've run it through the worst case scenario so I can prepare myself for if that happens. So when she said this, and it was at her wedding, my heart really connected to it. I, like Jane Austen, feel like I am happier than I deserve in my life, especially being married to Taylor because I thought I would NEVER get married. And it's not because of big moments, but like the little ones. Like this morning, when my hair was super frizzy and it was driving me nuts. I decided to rub a dryer sheet on it (since I've heard that works) but couldn't reach the back or the very top so Taylor walked over and just helped me to do it. That's true love y'all. 

Anyway, here are some thoughts that have been jumbling around my brain the last month since I've had a lot of time to think:

• My 20 in 2020 list has been going well. Here is the full list with some updates of how I've done for the month of January! (You can mostly skip if you've seen my stuff on Facebook) 

1. Make an authentic Italian dish. I LOVE Italian food. A lot. And I hate cooking. A lot. So in order to crack this one, I used some of our Christmas money to take a southern Italy cooking class. It was so much fun! And so delicious. I was partnered with a widow whose children purchased this class for her. She was so nice! We made the polenta with mushrooms and fontina but all of the dishes were delicious and now I am convinced I need to go on an extended vacation in Italy...
2. Go on a cruise. We booked a cruise for the week of our first anniversary so yay!
3. Find and memorize a poem.
4. Hit 100 classes at Pure Barre. I will hit 27 classes this month! (We have a black barre challenge where we do 15 classes every month for a year, but then they threw in a mini 12 classes in 12 days challenge at the end of January, so my legs will be jello at the end of this month but whatever. I love me a good challenge!) 
5. Read 10 memoirs or Pulitzer prize winning literature. This month, I read the Goldfinch. It was VERY long but I felt like an overall pretty good read. I also feel like it could be less than 300 pages instead of the 854 it clocked in at. 
6. Visit the Grand Canyon. 
7. Credit card and car free of debt!
8. Trip to Seattle with Cassie
9. Dance it out once a month. Did this will Taylor was in Omaha visiting his brother. I am going to make a dance it out playlist and share it on this blog next month. 
10. Choose a monthly quote. January's is "Happiness, not in another place, but this place. Not for another hour, but this hour."-Walt Whitman. I am taking suggestions for my February theme/quote! 
11. Blog once a month. 
12. Go to the temple 12 times. We made it to the temple twice this month to do sealings. More on that later. 
13. Stay current with Come, Follow Me
14. Go to an escape room
15. Listen to a podcast once a week. I have really been enjoying listening to podcasts. Yes, I know that I am behind on this but it's because I'm not really an auditory learner and so it was hard for me to get on this train. I've listened to some from The Motherhood Tribe, Things You Should Know, The Skimm, Matthew Hussey, and just today listened to one called Don't Miss This! which is focused on the Come, Follow Me every week. I'm loving it!
16. Set up my reading nook. Completed! 
17. Sugar and social media fast (7 days)
18. Hike Camelback Mountain
19. Meditate once a week. I am using Insight Timer and I love it! Yesterday, I had an intense nightmare and I was anxious all morning. We went to the grocery store and for some reason, I kind of snapped. I came home and my sweet husband turned off the lights and then I put on my weighted blanket and did a 23 minute meditation for anxiety. I ended up falling asleep for the last few minutes because of how relaxed I had become. It's a miracle!
20. Laugh deeply frequently (harder to 'measure' but I did marry someone who I think is very funny so it works out)

• I really really love when Heavenly Father allows me the opportunity to very intentionally reflect on my life. I had one of those very clear moments on December 26. On December 26, 2013, my dad had already moved out of our house and my mom was moving out. I, being SUPER conflict adverse, had decided to take the GRE that day without studying. (Not my smartest move but whatever since I did get into three different schools haha). And then after I took the GRE, my car steering wheel got stuck and my uncle had to talk me through getting it unjammed. It was, overall, a terrible day. A few days prior, I had seen Frozen and sobbed my way through "Let it Go." Then on December 26, 2019, a member in our ward aptly named Joy invited us to help her do some family names for sealings. The spirit was so strong in the room that night. We had the opportunity to seal four daughters to their parents at one time. As I heard the words of the sealing of children to parents, I just felt the spirit so strongly that I began to tear up. Here I was, six years later, doing sealings with my spouse having completed my master's degree a year prior in conflict resolution despite many obstacles against me. How did that even happen?! I also had loved the new frozen song "The Next Right Thing" which is about being fearful but having the courage to do whatever the next right thing is and that has become my theme for 2020. I know many people. family members included, were nervous I was marrying Taylor a month after his mission. To be honest, I would have been concerned knowing me too! I'll let you in on a secret: *I* was also nervous. But I knew it was the right thing to do. And guess what? Being married to your best friend and going through ups and downs together is the best. Plus even though I still carry trauma that 'forever' relationships can end, I have faith and we put in the work to make it forever. 

          I love being married! I did a lot of work on myself during the two years he was on a mission. This included learning about my triggers and biases and unhealthy way of viewing relationships. It also included learning to be vulnerable 100% around him. It was a lot of effort! Yikes it's hard to dig back into your past and see why you are the way you are.That being said, I wish people would stop saying being married the first year is hard. I'm about to get on my soap box here, so please please read because I'm super passionate about this. If you've gotten to know the person you've married right, there's not a whole lot to fight about! (Taylor and I aren't fighters, but we do have set aside time each week to check in with each other. It's a nice safe space and by that time, unless it's a hill I'm willing to die on because it's so important to me, it's not that big of a deal). Yes, you have to learn a lot about each other, but it's also fascinating. Case in point: our first week in our new apartment Taylor had like four of his little cups in the sink by the end of the day. I grew up with the mentality instilled by my mother that you have one big cup you used every day until it was washed and you switched it out. So I'm sitting here like ugh I am not going to wash all these because doesn't he know you only get one cup per a week?! Instead of phrasing it like that, I asked him, why do you like using different cups? And you know what his answer was? Because he likes the different colors and sometimes he just really wants a yellow cup. Once he said that, I was like okay, in the same way that I enjoy using the same cup because then I don't have to make a choice, Taylor likes different cups for the different colors and variety brings him joy. Good to know because my worldview is that I need consistency for joy. The idea that someone would want to change their cup all the time seems (in a small way) anxiety-inducing for me. A VERY small thing but once I explored it with curiosity instead of irritation, I had no problem with him using different cups throughout the day. 

         When you tell people who are in unhealthy relationships that "all relationships are hard" or that "the first year of marriage is really hard," you're essentially telling them that what they are experiencing is normal. GAH. NO! Let me be clear: abuse of any kind including your spouse disrespecting you is not normal or healthy! Another gentle, but firm reminder is that bishops (our ecclesiastical leaders) are there to help us SPIRITUALLY. They are not licensed marriage therapists or therapists of any kind. Sure, they can listen but they should not be giving you any advice in relation to your marriage. I had an excellent YSA bishop who listened and supported my worries about getting married but he also suggested therapy. That's the perfect balance! I was on the phone the other day with a close friend from college and I was telling her that the only way I was FULLY able to get married was to process the fact that Taylor and I could get a divorce. I sat and pondered this for an entire day and what my worst case scenario would me for us getting divorced. It was a tough day and honestly wouldn't super recommend it haha. But after, I was reflecting on how my parents are healing from their divorce. Looking at the past 6 years, I could see that getting divorced was really the best gift they gave us as kids, but also for their personal development and growth. I cringe at the sentiment that we oftentimes preach at church that you should never live with the mentality that divorce is an option. Guess what? Divorce is an option and sometimes it's the best option. Looking back at it, I almost wish my parents had gotten divorced sooner so that I would have had a longer time to watch them heal and develop before I got married. And less time of being privvy to a relationship that wasn't working anymore. To anyone reading this in a relationship where you feel belittled or berated emotionally or physically, please don't 'stay in it for the kids.' Trust me when I say, your kids are experiencing MORE trauma listening and witnessing an unhealthy relationship. Please please make the courageous move and get out of it before it impacts them deeply. I understand what I've just typed is probably controversial but it's really how I feel. Let's start talking about how life is hard but if you're in a healthy relationship, the hard parts are made easier by having a loving spouse who is always in your corner. And if you don't have that loving spouse in your corner, please please be more open to getting out of that relationship! 

• About mediation! I've always thought the phrase that Christ is our mediator was really cool. And then I learned more about mediation through theory and training, and I realized it's a really cool title for Christ because mediation is all about empowering people to be their best selves and helping them make their own best decisions. In essence, whenever we talk about Christ being a mediator, I had always imagined him interfering with our decisions. But that's not what a great mediator does. A great mediator listens, lifts up the positive emotions and empowers a person to come to their own conclusions. Mediation respects agency. I love thinking about a loving Savior that knows and loves us and wants to help us make our best decisions, but doesn't force us. Mediators also can handle differing truths in a room and I love thinking about how much our Savior loves us even when we aren't following Truth (truth with a capital T) 
• I've become low-key obsessed with Brene Brown. I LOVE HER. One of my new favorites is from her:"Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let out true selves be seen.” So in an effort to be more authentic and vulnerable, I do have to admit that being in Arizona has been tough due to my career options. I really did  love working at my past job (though it was wild!) in Colorado. I don't want to look back with rose-colored glasses, but I do really want to work in restorative justice. I worked as a special education para for about six weeks and quit because I had been unofficially offered a job as a PBIS Coach (positive behavior interventions! right up my alley!). Then, a few days later, he EMAILED me to let me know the position had been filled without any explanation. So that was infuriating. I have cried MANY times about job stuff. I have continued my job search but random things keep on happening. Like I applied for an entry level job at the Better Business Bureau (because it's at least ConRes related!) and they let me a voicemail to interview me and then I called back multiple times and left messages to no avail. I have felt very worthless the last month because I have some credit card debt that accumulated from health stuff while I was in grad school. If I am being honest, normally I would wait until I got a job to talk about it in my blog post. In an effort to be more authentic, I am going to post it today knowing full well I am jobless. I had a final interview for Grand Canyon University for a conduct officer so we shall see about that. In the meantime, I have been praying to use my time wisely because I realized last week that I just stay in the house and it makes me super depressed. It's been a hard month with a close friendship seeming to fray what I felt was somewhat randomly. I am very glad for Linds, my mom and Taylor for listening to me cry without judgement and holding space for me when I need it the most. That being said, please send me positive vibes I will eventually figure out what I personally am supposed to be doing here in Arizona. It is VERY hard to be the woman that moved to another state because her husband got another job. I always thought women were weak for doing that because I like providing for myself financially. But now, being in this situation, and KNOWING without a doubt that we are supposed to be in Arizona, I see the other side of it. Dang, I really need to stop saying I'll never do something. (Seriously though because I have often said I will never have more than two kids and I am sticking to that for now haha) It's hard because I have been almost financially independent for nearly a decade so to have Taylor be our only income and having him provide for me makes me very anxious because I am a control freak. I think part of the reason I've struggled with job stuff is for this very lesson. I've learned to be more vulnerable about finances and having 'someone else' aka my SPOUSE provide financially for us for the past month. Learning to be interdependent is hard for me sometimes but it's also a fun journey. Also Taylor is adorable and made me a promise that I won't publicize but essentially involved him being willing to move to accommodate my career as needed. 
• Santa Claus miracle dude. Okay so I didn't meet Santa Claus. Well, I can't confirm that either. But, like I mentioned earlier, Arizonans are SUPER nice. Our first week here, we went to Walmart and we were looking for something and I was talking about how I just wished all our stuff was already moved in. This college-aged guy starts talking to us and asking where we moved from and I'm thinking that this dude is going to try and sell us something so we need to peace, but then he just says welcome to Arizona and I hope you love it. And then he walked off! WHAT? Anyway, so I was on a walk with Lola a little bit ago and this cute old man was getting out of his car and stopped me to ask if he could give Lola a treat. I told him of course! So then he told me about how he had this dog for like 14 years and fed it bacon every day so that "he could just have the best life." We ended up talking for about 20 minutes about how he had moved here from Germany and that it had been hard. He was going skiing later that evening. At the end, he just sincerely thanked me for listening to him and as I walked off, I was just thinking about how sweet he was and how grateful I was to have met him. One of my mission companions, JoLee, had sent me something that someone had said in a talk that reminded me of this moment: "She (the person speaking) met this lady that she said she felt like she had known all her existence, and who Heavenly Father put in her path on earth, for however brief a time, just because he knew it would make their spirits happy." I love that! You never know the impact a conversation can have. Plus as I walked away, he summoned me back and gave ma huge box of Ghirardelli chocolate, so what a bonus!

That's about it. January was full of some very fun random moments like exploring a five floor library and trying new restaurants. I am excited to see what February brings and hopeful that I will have more answers to my individual purpose here in Arizona. I am very much enjoying the 73 degree weather we currently have!