Anything but Ordinary: June 2017

So it's been awhile hasn't it? For some reason, I have not felt the intense need to blog but this morning I woke up and just knew it was going to happen. I read this quote the other day and I loved it. Sometimes I feel confused why certain things are/aren't happening in my life. I literally plan almost every minute of every day, so not knowing certain things drives me nuts. I also constantly re-evaluate and ask myself oodles of questions. Where should I work after my graduate degree? Should I still try to work for the State Department? Is it okay that I am going to a private university? Am I going to be able to pay off my school debt? Am I doing everything in my power to find a righteous priesthood holder? Have I missed opportunities to get married? Is it okay that I really love school and the idea of a career? How will I balance self development while being a mother? How do I have a balance of humility without losing my confidence? However, when I read this quote, I felt a reassuring peace that everything in my life is leading me to become more like my Heavenly Parents and that makes me happy. Anyway, it's been over a few months, so here it is:

DOMINICAN REPUBLIC. My yolocation to the DR was the best thing ever. I went with my mission trainer, Hazel and we had a blast! We ate all our favorite foods and drinks and WENT TO THE BEACH. To be honest, not my favorite haha but we could actually do it. No more rules! We also got to visit the area she trained me in with President Corbitt and I got to visit all my people in Yamasa. I forgot how great it is and also how frustrating public transportation is down there hah but Latin Kelsey is chill and therefore enjoyed it. I have to say the highlight of my trip was getting a hug and a blessing from President. He just knows my true self. More on that later, but he's one of a very few people that actually knows me and it was just so good to see him. And make jokes about TV shows and talk about the incredible and also crazy things that happened. That island will always have a piece of my heart because of the incredible people and lessons I learned.
DU stuff. Lots of good things happening for my master's degree! First of all, I just accepted a job as the VIP event student assistant. This basically means that I will help plan events for the important people who visit, like diplomats... or former Secretaries of State *COUGH CONDI AND MADELINE I'm looking at you*. Okay, but seriously I can't wait. #bestjobever I also accepted an internship with the Restorative Justice department. With this, I am dealing with students who have broken the honor code and lead a two hour facilitation meeting on how to deal with it. It seems super legit and will be excellent practice. This also means that in addition to ten week crammed terms, I am doing both a job and an internship, so if I stop talking to you, don't take it personally.
Bikini body workouts. I am officially done with week 22 of my program. Only 2 more weeks until I have finished both guides. I have been working really hard on controlling what I eat, and while I am far from perfect, my body is adjusting to not eating as much crap food and it's been so much better for me. It allows me to think clearer and I also love feeling stronger. I'm so grateful for my body and I love the newfound respect I have found about treating it right. My patriarchal blessings talks a lot about the Word of Wisdom and treating my body with respect and I never got it until my mission. I don't know how much weight I lost because I don't think that's an accurate interpretation. However, if for some bizarre reason we had to make another exodus across the plains, I would be ready!
Scripture: "These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them." Hebrews 11:13. We read this in institute a long time ago and it has stuck with me ever since. My mission president once gave a really excellent tema (like a talk I guess) on heavenly promises and instructed us to live as though the promises we have received in any blessing had already come true. I took this to heart and I just loved "these" people who died without having receiving them in this life. It's especially heartening because earlier in the chapter it documents all these crazy incredible things faith has done for others. When I was reading it, I was thinking hmm nothing like that's every happened to me. When I got to this verse, it was comforting. We just need to be 'persuaded' of the promises and 'embrace' that they are ALWAYS kept by our loving Heavenly Father.
Temple. Two weeks ago, I was officially released as an ordinance worker because I am moving to Denver. When we were in our pre-meeting, all the sudden I had this sinking "I am going to start sobbing moment" which was nearly identical to the one I felt the last night of my mission. It was tangible and real and I just kept thinking, pull it together Davis. During the meet, the temple president kept looking over and smiling. I thought oh what a gem. As the women got up to leave, he stood up and grabbed my hand, looked me directly in the eyes and asked, how are you sister Davis? I just briefly mentioned that I was having a good day and he said okay, well please come talk to me in my office when I am done. Slightly shocked, I said sure and walked out. I was confused. What was this all about? He came out a few minutes later and I was still in the lobby. This time he grasped my hand tightly and peered into my eyes *but really it felt like my soul and I am not being dramatic here* and said thank you so much for choosing to be here tonight. I indicated that tonight was actually my last night and he said, still with his penetrating stare, "Heavenly Father is proud of your service and you have done what you were required to do here." He squeezed my hand, gave me a bear hug and left. Guys, this intense experience where I felt like someone could see the 3D version of me (By this I mean that he can see my past self, who I am now, and who God wants me to be)has only happened to me once during an interview with my mission president. The only way I can describe this is having felt as if Heavenly Father himself was having that conversation with me and giving me that hug. It was an incredible end to my service in the FoCo temple and I am so thankful for it. I am also thankful that he was so in tune with the spirit to recognize that I was feeling sad about leaving. Heavenly Father truly loves us so so so much!
Eternal plan of salvation. This is going to be the bulk of this blog post because I was struggling again about marriage. A few weeks ago, someone gave a talk and asked a very important question, "Do you believe Heavenly Father has an individual plan of salvation for you personally?" As he said that, the spirit touched my heart. And I tangibly felt that part of my plan was go to on a mission so that I could gain a testimony of eternal families and more specifically, marriage and children. I was recently reading through my mission emails and I find something I wrote on my 23rd birthday on my mission. I remember this moment so clearly as if it happened yesterday, but it was just the reminder I needed. I was in a leadership council and President Corbitt started talking about Isaiah 3 and the disintegration of the family. I ended up writing:

And then the spirit was just so strong, and he said, you thought you all came here to preach the gospel, but you came here to rescue the Dominican people and to learn how to be a defender of the family when you go home. I swear the spirit was so strong that I burst into tears. I have often wondered why it was necessary for me to go on a mission. I have had several thoughts, but mostly it was because I needed to be humble. I didn't really need a stronger testimony on anything except for the families. And in that moment, it was like I was outside my body looking at my life how Heavenly Father wanted me to be. And I just had this POWERFUL witness that the one main reason I was supposed to be here was to learn how to be committed to the family.

I don't know who wrote that. Kidding. It was me. But recently I've become more and more vocally negative about getting married. I don't know why Satan uses that so strongly with me, but whenever I feel threatened or start thinking about it too much, I don't want to have one. Two quotes have really stuck out to me as I've written this:

"I can choose faith over fear when I realize it isn't my job to make everything in my life work out- I can do my part and let God do the rest. "-Ariel Szuch

"You are the Lord´s disciples. He accepts us as we are even as we are growing toward what we must become. Rest in that love. Bathe and luxuriate in it. Let it relax, calm and comfort you. Let us keep our face to the Son, and come unto Him."- Patricia Holland

So for now, I am going to take comfort in that. The fact that I even want to have a celestial relationship is a real-life miracle that happened on my mission. Now I just have to be brave enough to overcome when my natural woman makes negative comments. And you know what? It's going to be okay when I slip up and automatically say, "Ugh, I never want to get married," because the atonement of Christ allows me to get better at it every day. Today, I did a "what lack I yet?" prayer before my personal study and got a rather shocking answer: that I needed to be more honest. This was shocking because I pride myself on just saying it how it is. But I realized that I don't do that with how I present myself to others. Remember how I said earlier how President Corbitt is one of the only people who knows who I truly am? Well it's true. I realized this as I was talking to my mom, who always obviously knows the true me. Over the past few weeks, I kept on making jokes about "grumpy Kelsey" and "Latin Kelsey," and as such, questioned who was actual Kelsey Marie Davis? Categorizing myself into different parts may sound like I'm crazy, but it was originally a way to help me process my emotions since I am horrible at that. However, I realized that this has now turned into a defense mechanism. Whenever I get uncomfortable, I just slip on another persona. When I'm around a man I'm attracted to? I slip on the "I never want to date or have a relationship or get married" persona so that way I don't have to face rejection. When I am super abrasive, I just blame it on "Latin Kelsey." When I am being super rude because I am emotionally afraid? Boom: grumpy Kelsey. So in an effort to become more honest, I have decided to do the adult thing: really be who I am. I always joke that I love "temple Kelsey." And that is my real self. So here is who I am:

I am Kelsey Marie Davis. I pretend that I don't want to get married or have kids when it becomes painfully clear that it's not happening for me right now. Sometimes I cry at night thinking about how I haven't had the opportunity to date someone. Sometimes, when I want to celebrate, I blare "Who's Laughing Now?" and picture myself in my Sec State office flipping off everyone. When I get sad, I watch the scene from He's Just Not that Into You with Alex and Gigi when he tells her that she's his exception. I still cry in Titanic when Jack dies and when I hear the song "At Last." And Adele's "Someone Like You." EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I love reading young adult fiction more than I like the classics.(This will be a tough one to overcorrect with my English major friends who I've faked a love of Canterbury Tales with, but I'll work on it) I wish I could eat a popsicle every day. I secretly love it when people who I trust play with my hair. I will assert my opinion of liking whatever you hate just to create debate or because I'm afraid. For clarification, even though I vehemently say that I hate these things, it's a lie: running, kids, receiving hugs, cuddling, thinking about my future kids' names, believing in true love, sappy love songs, etc. (That's just a brief list. But you get the point. If I am saying I hate something with a lot of passion, you can bet that it's just me be emotionally insecure and not wanting to admit something. Basically, this is an apology to everyone that I've lied to in the past. I didn't mean to, it was just easier for me to cope and put on my boss woman, take no crap persona.) Just to clear one thing up though: I still hate Taco Bell. And hiking in a group because it still makes me insecure that I'm the fat little kid who is never going to make it to the top. That's not a lie. So that's it. Nice to meet you officially. I am pretty cool and crazy from what my mother says. Wish me luck in this endeavor and we will check in later! If you've made it to the end of this, you're a true friend and I love you!