Anything but Ordinary: July 2014

Oh President Monson. I am starting to love him a lot more over the years. And never has he been more right than about my past few weeks!

My job is, to quote Taylor, "miserable and magical." It's magical because I love teaching kids how to read and I love their faces when they light up and figure out a word. It's miserable because I'm teaching 12 hour days and I now have to teach Sundays. However, it's been such a blessing because it's been such a preparation for my mission. One of the reasons I almost didn't follow the prompting to serve a mission was because I had never taught even a lesson in young women. By having this job, where I am teaching people the same lessons over and over again, I am learning that teaching is not scary and is one of the most rewarding things a person can do. It's also helped me realize, partially, how exhausting my mission will be. I am on my feet for 12 hours and it's been such a good preparation. Heavenly Father sure looks after me and my doubts about myself!

In other news, I have officially been converted to the near-worship level of Elder Holland.I read this talk and my world was blown. He talks about how right before something big happens in our life, we face increasing adversarial fire. I love that he brings up the example of young Joseph Smith being surrounded by darkness when he prayed to know which church to join.My favorite part, as I prepare for my mission, is when he stated, "The third lesson from the Lord’s spirit of revelation in the miracle of the crossing of the Red Sea is that, along with the illuminating revelation that points us toward a righteous purpose or duty, God will also provide the means and power to achieve that purpose.Trust in that eternal truth. If God has told you something is right, if something is indeed true for you, he will provide the way for you to accomplish it." That means when I prayed and knew it was right to go on a mission, he is going to provide a way for me to accomplish. Mind blowing and so true. So many things, like my loans, my job, grad school and everything in between has worked out. Even working this additional shift for my job is perfect because I can now pay my $500 (yikes) deposit for Georgetown!

My other favorite quote was when he says:

"Even if you cannot always see that silver lining on your clouds, God can, for He is the very source of the light you seek. He does love you, and He knows your fears. He hears your prayers. He is your Heavenly Father, and surely He matches with His own the tears His children shed."

I loved the part where he says "He knows your fears." How true is that?? I am afraid of EVERYTHING and it gives me really bad anxiety. When I watched the movie Shadowlands in my Lit and Film class last semester, C.S. Lewis' wife says, "We can't have the happiness of yesterday without the pain of today. That's the deal." Another character also restates it and says, "The pain now is part of the happiness of the future." I LOVE that. It's so applicable. Read it again, because it takes some time to process. I've changed that to "The fear now is part of the faith later." I have come to love and deeply cherish the law of opposites because it makes every moment connected. My moment of being afraid to go through the temple just led to that much more faith when I went through. I know we've been instructed to not be fearful. And I agree with that to a certain extent. But, if we don't know fear, then how will we ever know faith? Isn't the whole point of this life is to exercise our agency? And if we didn't know fear, wouldn't our faith would be less? I'd like to argue that sometimes it's not only normal, but also important to be a bit afraid as long as you control it. I'm not saying to be fearful, or having the quality where you're permanently afraid like how I normally am, but I am saying to have a bit of fear because it makes your faith that much strong. How many times is it recorded in the Bible and Book of Mormon that people fear God? To me, that gives us evidence that there are important things in our life and before we do them, it's okay to have a bit of fear as long as we realize that faith is just around the corner. The most important part of fear is, paradoxically, having the faith or knowing that faith is coming if we're working towards it. Part of doing something great is having a bit of that anxiety because the thing you're about to do is of such significant importance that it's a bit scary to contemplate if you screw it up! The most important part is that you work towards that faith in moments of fear. Don't stand there in the pool of fear drowning, when you can stand up and get out of it with just one footstep of faith.

In Relief Society (during the one time I was able to go in the last 6 weeks!) someone talked about a friend who studied the journals of pioneer women who turned back on their journey to Salt Lake. After reading through all these journals, she found out the reason several of them turned away was not because of the death of their loved ones, or the physical exertion, or even the long days. You want to know what the number one reason was? Dust. Yeah, seriously. And I know when I heard that, I judged so hard. Seriously? That's what made them turn around? Not their dead children or spouses, but dust? Then I thought about my life recently. I haven't been tempted to drink or smoke, but I get so tired every night that I don't want to read my scriptures. Or that I have the same schedule. In our modern day world, it's the little things, especially the monotony of life. It's driving home in traffic every day or questioning the little things in the gospel that I don't understand, and may never understand.

The most important lesson I've learned is to embrace the dust of life, but don't let it settle. I scheduled going through the temple the day before I went, and found myself anxious for those full 24 hours.I absolutely loathe now knowing things beforehand and so my imagination went wild. But then I found this quote by President Hinckley the morning before: “To me the gospel is not a great mass of theological jargon. It is a simple and beautiful and logical thing, with one quiet truth following another in orderly sequence. I do not fret over the mysteries. I do not worry whether the heavenly gates swing or slide. I am only concerned that they open." And I realized, whatever happened, I knew the gospel basics. I have a personal metaphoric box of questions about the gospel, and going through the temple created even more questions, but I realized that I didn't need to fret over all of these things right now. And that is why going through the temple was so special. Knowing that I will someday be privileged to know more and that there was no test or reason to stress has led to that peace. Going through wasn't scary or super spiritual, but I know that the more I go, the more I will feel that spirit and peace. The more I go, the more the dust gets blown off, and that's what I'm looking forward to. Being in the temple allows you to come out metaphorically dust free, and that's why it brought me peace. I can't wait to go back again.

Here are some photos of my recent happenings: