Hey friends! This will be a shorter blog post than I normally do. That's partially because QUARANTINE and my inability to focus on anything and also because what I have to say it pretty brief overall.
The biggest news is a recent health update. Nope, not pregnant. Don't get your hopes up people. Getting married was way out of my comfort zone so y'all gonna have to wait on that. Anyway, I was officially diagnosed with Hashimoto's and hypothyroidism. Without getting into too many specifics, I just wanted to say that I honestly felt spiritually guided on this journey to finding out. Many who are close to me know the crazy symptoms I've had with various health issues the past several years. I've advocated for myself at several different doctors and they all just thought everything was 'pretty normal' that was going on in my body. The main issue was feeling tired no matter what. I could take a nap every day (and now that I work for home, that's what I use my lunch time for!). I love taking 25 minute naps. I always feel better. But I've always felt shame about that and how sick I am all the time because then I feel like I am wasting time or not being a good *insert role here*. I honestly felt like people are sick of me complaining about the same thing all the time. Anyway, back in February, I was on Instagram (also this story is further proof that the spirit does really use what he can to speak to you in your own language) and I saw something about hypothyroidism posted by a girl whose workouts I used to do on Popsugar Fitness on YouTube. I was like huh don't know what that is but it stuck out to me. I googled it when I saw her post it again the next day. (I don't know how God speaks to you all, but if I see something that sticks out to me twice, it's usually important). As I was reading through all the symptoms, I felt seen. I talked to my dad about it and found out more of my family history with it and then also found out more about my mom's side of the family and their thyroid history. So I set up an appointment with an endocrinologist and hoped she would believe me. Guess what? She did. Most supportive doctor I've ever had. I just got my results and the first thing I felt was relief. This wasn't all in my head! I wasn't lazy or depressed or getting sick all the time because I worked too hard. It wasn't normal what was going on! I've gone through a lot of emotions since, but mostly it's one of gratitude that someone I used to workout with via YouTube posted her health journey and that somehow led to me finally getting some medical answers. I am so grateful for Heavenly Parents that use whatever platform (right now it's Instagram haha) to guide me into finding answers. And most importantly, I am grateful for a spouse that has never once vilified me for being sick or made me feel ashamed about having to take naps or getting sick all the day. Taylor is the best husband for me and I am so grateful we get to be together for forever.
Anyway, speaking of health stuff, I am going to talk a little about mental health. I feel like the last few months have been very interesting for me on an emotional level. I do NOT do well with emotions. I hardly ever know what I am feeling in the moment except sad, angry or happy. That is a child-like way of emotions so I have been learning more about it through my work and through podcasts and such. I am currently obsessed with Brene Brown's podcast. She has so many awesome people and I love her mantra of stay brave, awkward and kind. Two takeaways from her podcast are: 1. Pain is pain and we don't need to compare suffering and 2. it's normal to feel lonely even in situations where we are with people we love and 3. by showing up as who we really are, we are liberating others to share who they are with us.
I have always had a problem (as my mom will definitely attest to) about comparative suffering. I can be having a sob fest and in the middle of it try to talk myself out of it by talking about someone else has it infinitely worse than what I do right now. I loved her podcast with a guest star that focuses on grief and he said "the worse pain is your own." For some reason, that really hit me and I've been working really hard to allow my emotions to just be. It's very hard for me to not compare. I am also obsessive about managing my emotions and wanting to just process them quickly which I've realized is actually a trauma response, so I'm working on that. Trying to have a healthy response to emotions will probably always be hard, but it's been an interesting little study on myself.
Loneliness. Guys. I have always been fascinated about this and found it interesting that my patriarchal blessing mentions the fact that I feel like I am alone a lot. Because I "feel" different than a lot of women I know, I've always felt somewhat left out. I never really feel I fit in many different places which is why I have several really close friends who share the same humor and that's pretty much it. I have very different viewpoints on things. I have recently discovered so many people who think like me about church and societal expectations and it's been freeing. I am not the only one who wants to stay active AND feels like there's so much that needs to change in our church. I am not the only member of this faith that wants to work and finds SO much fulfillment from helping in a professional capacity. I am not the only woman who believes church doctrine AND also believes we are getting a lot of stuff wrong that is causing trauma and damage to its members. One of the most freeing things I learned while in my master's degree was the idea of 'both/and.' You have the capability to hold two conflicting emotions in you. I've always thought it's weird that I can agree with both sides of people who vehemently oppose each other but when I learned this, I realized it's normal. (And also a nice ability for my profession of choice because conflict is just that-conflicting!) I can both love my Heavenly Parents and be disappointed by the cultural expectations and messages the church presents sometimes. How cool is that? Anyway, this is my long way of saying it has been SO nice to find people who think the same as me as I've always felt kind of isolated. Even now, being married, I don't feel like the normal married women. I love Taylor and I also heartily acknowledge he isn't my whole life. He cannot fulfill every need (I had this point smack me in the face the other day when I wanted to be hyper and that's just not a place he goes. Though he lovingly listens to me while I am in that phase. Shout out to Taylor for loving me in my crazy hyper stage). This kind of turned into the third point of being who you really are and that has been really freeing. I have always been scared to post or discuss things about societal or church culture because I am the "people-pleaser and I want everyone to love me and think I am a good church girl." I don't like stirring the pot (unless you're close to me and then I will debate you until I die!) publicly. And I am a good person. But that doesn't mean that I don't have the need to discuss the issues I see need to be fixed. Literally on Friday, my work finally acknowledged an idea I had about four weeks ago to solve a problem with parents having to organize info and we've had so much positive feedback. Some people may call me pushy because I didn't give up on it, but that's because I believed it would help parents-and it did! But unlike many, my core personality is a fixer and I am so hopeful of the changes and shifts in every aspect of life that we will continue to see in the future.
Anyway, being married is fascinating. Yes, I know that sounds like I am going to be super analytical, but it really is so interesting. You never know how many things you believed are 100% truth until you're married. For example, we went to the car wash yesterday, and Taylor drove to the vacuums first. In my brain, I thought but you don't vacuum first! You have to wash the car first. And then my second thought was wait that's not actually a fact. You don't HAVE to wash the car first. It's just how you've always done it. It's been so fun to learn how ritualized my behavior is and learn that there are so many different ways to do things. I also like that Taylor and I think differently and that he can take me from chaos into clarity with very few words. However, it's also fascinating because I never fully realized how much my family and societal norms and culture impacted me. I find myself doing things subconsciously about how I feel I should be acting as a wife that are not true to who I am. (For example, cooking haha. As we all know, that isn't my jam) Taylor has never once asked me to cook dinner nor does he expect it, but I feel that pressing need that if I am home (like now since I am working from home) that it's my responsibility. It isn't whatsoever and I told Taylor and he was like I don't care if I cook dinner or not. And that's what I realized I was forcing this idea onto myself subconsciously that didn't need to happen. It's been really cool to see what behaviors I find myself engaging in that aren't true to myself and how I slowly realize I can change that. That being said, I am SUPER grateful I married someone that doesn't follow social or cultural norms (inside or outside of the church) and doesn't pressure me to do all the homemaker stuff. That is not my scene. Though I do love to clean and it has benefited Taylor because I clean like a mad lady during the day haha. Anyway, the point is getting married is a nice way to self-reflect on a lot of things with your best friend and that's the best.
That's it folks. Quarantine doesn't have me feeling very eloquent but I usually blog when I feel this compulsing need to share my story. Having talked to my aunt Sierra, (which was also a very validating experience!) I feel like I may start to share more on this blog as time goes on. Have a safe and happy Sunday!
