"We can choose to be perfect and admired or to be real and loved."-Glennon Doyle

Hey friends! This will be a shorter blog post than I normally do. That's partially because QUARANTINE and my inability to focus on anything and also because what I have to say it pretty brief overall.

The biggest news is a recent health update. Nope, not pregnant. Don't get your hopes up people. Getting married was way out of my comfort zone so y'all gonna have to wait on that. Anyway, I was officially diagnosed with Hashimoto's and hypothyroidism. Without getting into too many specifics, I just wanted to say that I honestly felt spiritually guided on this journey to finding out. Many who are close to me know the crazy symptoms I've had with various health issues the past several years. I've advocated for myself at several different doctors and they all just thought everything was 'pretty normal' that was going on in my body. The main issue was feeling tired no matter what. I could take a nap every day (and now that I work for home, that's what I use my lunch time for!). I love taking 25 minute naps. I always feel better. But I've always felt shame about that and how sick I am all the time because then I feel like I am wasting time or not being a good *insert role here*. I honestly felt like people are sick of me complaining about the same thing all the time. Anyway, back in February, I was on Instagram (also this story is further proof that the spirit does really use what he can to speak to you in your own language) and I saw something about hypothyroidism posted by a girl whose workouts I used to do on Popsugar Fitness on YouTube. I was like huh don't know what that is but it stuck out to me. I googled it when I saw her post it again the next day. (I don't know how God speaks to you all, but if I see something that sticks out to me twice, it's usually important). As I was reading through all the symptoms, I felt seen. I talked to my dad about it and found out more of my family history with it and then also found out more about my mom's side of the family and their thyroid history. So I set up an appointment with an endocrinologist and hoped she would believe me. Guess what? She did. Most supportive doctor I've ever had. I just got my results and the first thing I felt was relief. This wasn't all in my head! I wasn't lazy or depressed or getting sick all the time because I worked too hard. It wasn't normal what was going on! I've gone through a lot of emotions since, but mostly it's one of gratitude that someone I used to workout with via YouTube posted her health journey and that somehow led to me finally getting some medical answers. I am so grateful for Heavenly Parents that use whatever platform (right now it's Instagram haha) to guide me into finding answers. And most importantly, I am grateful for a spouse that has never once vilified me for being sick or made me feel ashamed about having to take naps or getting sick all the day. Taylor is the best husband for me and I am so grateful we get to be together for forever.

Anyway, speaking of health stuff, I am going to talk a little about mental health. I feel like the last few months have been very interesting for me on an emotional level. I do NOT do well with emotions. I hardly ever know what I am feeling in the moment except sad, angry or happy. That is a child-like way of emotions so I have been learning more about it through my work and through podcasts and such. I am currently obsessed with Brene Brown's podcast. She has so many awesome people and I love her mantra of stay brave, awkward and kind. Two takeaways from her podcast are: 1. Pain is pain and we don't need to compare suffering and 2. it's normal to feel lonely even in situations where we are with people we love and 3. by showing up as who we really are, we are liberating others to share who they are with us.

I have always had a problem (as my mom will definitely attest to) about comparative suffering. I can be having a sob fest and in the middle of it try to talk myself out of it by talking about someone else has it infinitely worse than what I do right now. I loved her podcast with a guest star that focuses on grief and he said "the worse pain is your own." For some reason, that really hit me and I've been working really hard to allow my emotions to just be. It's very hard for me to not compare. I am also obsessive about managing my emotions and wanting to just process them quickly which I've realized is actually a trauma response, so I'm working on that. Trying to have a healthy response to emotions will probably always be hard, but it's been an interesting little study on myself.

Loneliness. Guys. I have always been fascinated about this and found it interesting that my patriarchal blessing mentions the fact that I feel like I am alone a lot. Because I "feel" different than a lot of women I know, I've always felt somewhat left out. I never really feel I fit in many different places which is why I have several really close friends who share the same humor and that's pretty much it. I have very different viewpoints on things. I have recently discovered so many people who think like me about church and societal expectations and it's been freeing. I am not the only one who wants to stay active AND feels like there's so much that needs to change in our church. I am not the only member of this faith that wants to work and finds SO much fulfillment from helping in a professional capacity. I am not the only woman who believes church doctrine AND also believes we are getting a lot of stuff wrong that is causing trauma and damage to its members. One of the most freeing things I learned while in my master's degree was the idea of 'both/and.' You have the capability to hold two conflicting emotions in you. I've always thought it's weird that I can agree with both sides of people who vehemently oppose each other but when I learned this, I realized it's normal.  (And also a nice ability for my profession of choice because conflict is just that-conflicting!) I can both love my Heavenly Parents and be disappointed by the cultural expectations and messages the church presents sometimes. How cool is that? Anyway, this is my long way of saying it has been SO nice to find people who think the same as me as I've always felt kind of isolated.  Even now, being married, I don't feel like the normal married women. I love Taylor and I also heartily acknowledge he isn't my whole life. He cannot fulfill every need (I had this point smack me in the face the other day when I wanted to be hyper and that's just not a place he goes. Though he lovingly listens to me while I am in that phase. Shout out to Taylor for loving me in my crazy hyper stage). This kind of turned into the third point of being who you really are and that has been really freeing. I have always been scared to post or discuss things about societal or church culture because I am the "people-pleaser and I want everyone to love me and think I am a good church girl." I don't like stirring the pot (unless you're close to me and then I will debate you until I die!) publicly. And I am a good person. But that doesn't mean that I don't have the need to discuss the issues I see need to be fixed. Literally on Friday, my work finally acknowledged an idea I had about four weeks ago to solve a problem with parents having to organize info and we've had so much positive feedback. Some people may call me pushy because I didn't give up on it, but that's because I believed it would help parents-and it did! But unlike many, my core personality is a fixer and I am so hopeful of the changes and shifts in every aspect of life that we will continue to see in the future.

Anyway, being married is fascinating. Yes, I know that sounds like I am going to be super analytical, but it really is so interesting. You never know how many things you believed are 100% truth until you're married. For example, we went to the car wash yesterday, and Taylor drove to the vacuums first. In my brain, I thought but you don't vacuum first! You have to wash the car first. And then my second thought was wait that's not actually a fact. You don't HAVE to wash the car first. It's just how you've always done it. It's been so fun to learn how ritualized my behavior is and learn that there are so many different ways to do things. I also like that Taylor and I think differently and that he can take me from chaos into clarity with very few words. However, it's also fascinating because I never fully realized how much my family and societal norms and culture impacted me. I find myself doing things subconsciously about how I feel I should be acting as a wife that are not true to who I am. (For example, cooking haha. As we all know, that isn't my jam) Taylor has never once asked me to cook dinner nor does he expect it, but I feel that pressing need that if I am home (like now since I am working from home) that it's my responsibility. It isn't whatsoever and I told Taylor and he was like I don't care if I cook dinner or not. And that's what I realized I was forcing this idea onto myself subconsciously that didn't need to happen. It's been really cool to see what behaviors I find myself engaging in that aren't true to myself and how I slowly realize I can change that. That being said, I am SUPER grateful I married someone that doesn't follow social or cultural norms (inside or outside of the church) and doesn't pressure me to do all the homemaker stuff. That is not my scene. Though I do love to clean and it has benefited Taylor because I clean like a mad lady during the day haha. Anyway, the point is getting married is a nice way to self-reflect on a lot of things with your best friend and that's the best.

That's it folks. Quarantine doesn't have me feeling very eloquent but I usually blog when I feel this compulsing need to share my story. Having talked to my aunt Sierra, (which was also a very validating experience!) I feel like I may start to share more on this blog as time goes on. Have a safe and happy Sunday!

“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.” Friedrich Nietzsche

I swear February flew by and that's why I'm writing this today and pretending it's February 30th instead of March 1st so I can count this as my blog post for my 20 in 2020 list. Speaking of here's an update on that list:

• I hit 100 classes at Pure Barre! This was exciting because I've done barre for the last year but I could only afford taking 8 classes a month in Colorado and then it didn't transfer over here. Now that I can take unlimited classes (for the same price as my 8 in Colorado. THANKS PHOENIX!), I hit it in less than four months. I got to sign the barre and join the 100 club. I even bought some barre socks that say 100 club on it. Taylor knew how important it was to me, so we got Rubios and he had bought donuts from Bosa's that made 100. So fun! Now onto 250!
• We finally went to an escape room. This was on both Taylor and my's 20 in 20 list. We found a cheap Groupon and went to the sketchy part of town with some friends from our ward. It was actually super fun! We did the Kidnapped room. The wives ended up being 'kidnapped' and then the husbands had to find us and then we proceeded to the final room together. It was so fun and we ended up doing it in less than a half hour which was awesome! We had the best mix of people on our team!
• I am really loving listening to podcasts. Right now I am listening to the rest of the Come Follow Me for Us podcast. The host is from Arizona so it's been fun to listen to her and gain some insights. I love when people are honest about the gospel. Also I am lowkey obsessed with Julie Hanks and all her insights about church culture and how damaging it can be. She is the best. Please look her up on social media and read her posts about people leaving the church, on dividing up housework and about being able to balance wanting a career with being a mom. She's super real and firey in a respectful way that I really appreciate. She really focuses on partnership marriages, meaning that both contribute to family and housework. It's literally the best. My favorite was when someone asked about how dividing housework is potentially against the Proclamation on the Family and she literally just responded that it says NOTHING about doing chores as a duty of women. YAASS. Also grateful that I married a man who does laundry and cooks whenever without being asked. 

Other updates:

I love my job! Seriously. I love the school and the kids and the teachers. Working in a charter school is way different and the way they do things is really different, but my boss is the best. We are all just a bunch of weirdos and it's so fun. I know it was so tough to be unemployed for a bit when we moved here, but this was definitely worth the wait. I love feeling valued for my very specific skills. I had this moment when I was de-escalating a kid and afterward he told me he was grateful I really listened, "not that fake listening adults do," where I felt so at peace knowing that I have some pretty unique talents. Which brings me to...

rereading Girl, Stop Apologizing. I love Rachel Hollis. I almost used one of her quotes from her as the title of this post. She just talks about how you never should apologize for your goals and dreams. This month, I felt really down about who I am as a woman. I feel so isolated because I think so differently than the majority of people I know. I never look at a situation in a way that most people would. My brain is always whirring and thinking about it from different perspectives. It's exhausting sometimes that I can't just read something and think like the masses. Sometimes I wish I had a 'normal' desire to want kids and be married. I wish that I could just accept things on faith instead of being in my head about them for years on end on things I want changed in the church. I honestly feel like it would be easier. Instead, I have always been compelled to have a career. I love being married though which is super nice. I realized I am SO much more fulfilled when I am helping kids. My attitude has been so much more positive knowing I can make a small difference. My entire countenance has changed. I reread my patriarchal blessing and felt a deep peace that my heavenly parents gave me these attributes and talents to be used. I am grateful to have a very unique skill of being able to help kids solve problems. As Rachel says so aptly, “I cannot continue to live as half of myself simply because it’s hard for others to handle all of me.” I also love this quote later on,“You are allowed to want more for yourself for no other reason than because it makes your heart happy. You don’t need anyone’s permission, and you certainly shouldn’t have to rely on anyone’s support as the catalyst to get you there.” I am grateful for the people who love my whole self, but most especially my husband who believes in my dream and supports it. And my heavenly parents who created me and support me in all the ways they can. One of my favorite parts of the gospel is knowing that I get to develop and learn and grow for ETERNITY. What a blessing.

I also did something way out of my comfort zone before I got this job. I ended up getting my substitute teaching license. I realized while talking to my Omi that everything I do always leads me to working with kids in schools. So I got it and then looked into alternative methods to get certified to teach (since Arizona is one of the few states that doesn't require you getting a degree). I think I would love to become a dean of students and had I stayed in Colorado, it wouldn't have been plausible since I wasn't going to go back to school to get certified as a teacher. But now it may be possible. Just another reason to always listen to Heavenly Father when he tells you to move somewhere even though you have NO IDEA why.

I am loving my book club. I love all the women in it and I love the discussions we have. It's so fun to learn and disagree and get on random tangents. I honestly look forward to it every month. I love the fun environment and how nice everyone is and I can't believe I haven't been in one sooner. Literature matters people.

Last night, I was deep in my thoughts about my immense fear of having kids. I deal with kids who have experienced severe trauma every day and I just couldn't help thinking that I was going to mess up my kids too much. I was thinking about how scary it is not knowing what will hurt them until you accidentally do it. I think of my own trauma and also how ALL of my mission companions carried trauma from their parents that greatly impacted them. I had spent all this week thinking about how I just didn't think I was ever going to have kids. Taylor and I went to a fireside last night with Richard Bushman and Kathleen Flake. (Yes it was so cool after I took so many classes at BYU on church history). They were speaking on the restoration. While they didn't mention anything groundbreaking, I did like that they talked about how we should let Joseph mature past a 14 year old boy and not just limit him to his first vision self. I liked that. Anyway, as we were getting into the car, this thought about how I would just screw up a kid was in my mind. I mentioned it to Taylor and in classic form, he responded in one sentence and my fear suddenly vanished. Like what he said IMMEDIATELY brought me comfort. I won't share specifics or any other personal experiences where Taylor has given me a one sentence answer, but let's just say it's been many. I am grateful for a partner who, when I've been in my head and am so far deep in thought, can be inspired to alleviate all that stress with one sentence. How grateful I am that I felt inspired to date him. We will be recreating our first date this month (March 29, three years ago!) and I will write about it later. Also, for the record, we won't be having kids for a while, so don't be asking us about it since I wrote this post haha.

I definitely feel like February was a month full of love and joy. Until next time!

"I must learn to be content with being happier than I deserve."-Jane Austen

Hi everyone! It's been a hot minute since I've blogged. I realized I didn't blog at all last year and that seems pretty indicative of how wild last year really was for me. So many changes! If you don't follow me on social media, I married Taylor in September and then we moved to Arizona a week later for his new job! So all the new things! I genuinely love Arizona a lot now. I was super apprehensive to move to a new state RIGHT after getting married but everyone here is so so nice. Like bizarrely nice. More on that later. It's been nice and I haven't been getting sinus headaches so that is a definite plus. I really love the quote I chose as the title for this blog post. I was watching the series finale of Madam Secretary (sad since I loved this show!) and one of the characters included this in her wedding vows and it really spoke to me. I am ALWAYS waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every time I've made a decision, I've run it through the worst case scenario so I can prepare myself for if that happens. So when she said this, and it was at her wedding, my heart really connected to it. I, like Jane Austen, feel like I am happier than I deserve in my life, especially being married to Taylor because I thought I would NEVER get married. And it's not because of big moments, but like the little ones. Like this morning, when my hair was super frizzy and it was driving me nuts. I decided to rub a dryer sheet on it (since I've heard that works) but couldn't reach the back or the very top so Taylor walked over and just helped me to do it. That's true love y'all. 

Anyway, here are some thoughts that have been jumbling around my brain the last month since I've had a lot of time to think:

• My 20 in 2020 list has been going well. Here is the full list with some updates of how I've done for the month of January! (You can mostly skip if you've seen my stuff on Facebook) 

1. Make an authentic Italian dish. I LOVE Italian food. A lot. And I hate cooking. A lot. So in order to crack this one, I used some of our Christmas money to take a southern Italy cooking class. It was so much fun! And so delicious. I was partnered with a widow whose children purchased this class for her. She was so nice! We made the polenta with mushrooms and fontina but all of the dishes were delicious and now I am convinced I need to go on an extended vacation in Italy...
2. Go on a cruise. We booked a cruise for the week of our first anniversary so yay!
3. Find and memorize a poem.
4. Hit 100 classes at Pure Barre. I will hit 27 classes this month! (We have a black barre challenge where we do 15 classes every month for a year, but then they threw in a mini 12 classes in 12 days challenge at the end of January, so my legs will be jello at the end of this month but whatever. I love me a good challenge!) 
5. Read 10 memoirs or Pulitzer prize winning literature. This month, I read the Goldfinch. It was VERY long but I felt like an overall pretty good read. I also feel like it could be less than 300 pages instead of the 854 it clocked in at. 
6. Visit the Grand Canyon. 
7. Credit card and car free of debt!
8. Trip to Seattle with Cassie
9. Dance it out once a month. Did this will Taylor was in Omaha visiting his brother. I am going to make a dance it out playlist and share it on this blog next month. 
10. Choose a monthly quote. January's is "Happiness, not in another place, but this place. Not for another hour, but this hour."-Walt Whitman. I am taking suggestions for my February theme/quote! 
11. Blog once a month. 
12. Go to the temple 12 times. We made it to the temple twice this month to do sealings. More on that later. 
13. Stay current with Come, Follow Me
14. Go to an escape room
15. Listen to a podcast once a week. I have really been enjoying listening to podcasts. Yes, I know that I am behind on this but it's because I'm not really an auditory learner and so it was hard for me to get on this train. I've listened to some from The Motherhood Tribe, Things You Should Know, The Skimm, Matthew Hussey, and just today listened to one called Don't Miss This! which is focused on the Come, Follow Me every week. I'm loving it!
16. Set up my reading nook. Completed! 
17. Sugar and social media fast (7 days)
18. Hike Camelback Mountain
19. Meditate once a week. I am using Insight Timer and I love it! Yesterday, I had an intense nightmare and I was anxious all morning. We went to the grocery store and for some reason, I kind of snapped. I came home and my sweet husband turned off the lights and then I put on my weighted blanket and did a 23 minute meditation for anxiety. I ended up falling asleep for the last few minutes because of how relaxed I had become. It's a miracle!
20. Laugh deeply frequently (harder to 'measure' but I did marry someone who I think is very funny so it works out)

• I really really love when Heavenly Father allows me the opportunity to very intentionally reflect on my life. I had one of those very clear moments on December 26. On December 26, 2013, my dad had already moved out of our house and my mom was moving out. I, being SUPER conflict adverse, had decided to take the GRE that day without studying. (Not my smartest move but whatever since I did get into three different schools haha). And then after I took the GRE, my car steering wheel got stuck and my uncle had to talk me through getting it unjammed. It was, overall, a terrible day. A few days prior, I had seen Frozen and sobbed my way through "Let it Go." Then on December 26, 2019, a member in our ward aptly named Joy invited us to help her do some family names for sealings. The spirit was so strong in the room that night. We had the opportunity to seal four daughters to their parents at one time. As I heard the words of the sealing of children to parents, I just felt the spirit so strongly that I began to tear up. Here I was, six years later, doing sealings with my spouse having completed my master's degree a year prior in conflict resolution despite many obstacles against me. How did that even happen?! I also had loved the new frozen song "The Next Right Thing" which is about being fearful but having the courage to do whatever the next right thing is and that has become my theme for 2020. I know many people. family members included, were nervous I was marrying Taylor a month after his mission. To be honest, I would have been concerned knowing me too! I'll let you in on a secret: *I* was also nervous. But I knew it was the right thing to do. And guess what? Being married to your best friend and going through ups and downs together is the best. Plus even though I still carry trauma that 'forever' relationships can end, I have faith and we put in the work to make it forever. 

          I love being married! I did a lot of work on myself during the two years he was on a mission. This included learning about my triggers and biases and unhealthy way of viewing relationships. It also included learning to be vulnerable 100% around him. It was a lot of effort! Yikes it's hard to dig back into your past and see why you are the way you are.That being said, I wish people would stop saying being married the first year is hard. I'm about to get on my soap box here, so please please read because I'm super passionate about this. If you've gotten to know the person you've married right, there's not a whole lot to fight about! (Taylor and I aren't fighters, but we do have set aside time each week to check in with each other. It's a nice safe space and by that time, unless it's a hill I'm willing to die on because it's so important to me, it's not that big of a deal). Yes, you have to learn a lot about each other, but it's also fascinating. Case in point: our first week in our new apartment Taylor had like four of his little cups in the sink by the end of the day. I grew up with the mentality instilled by my mother that you have one big cup you used every day until it was washed and you switched it out. So I'm sitting here like ugh I am not going to wash all these because doesn't he know you only get one cup per a week?! Instead of phrasing it like that, I asked him, why do you like using different cups? And you know what his answer was? Because he likes the different colors and sometimes he just really wants a yellow cup. Once he said that, I was like okay, in the same way that I enjoy using the same cup because then I don't have to make a choice, Taylor likes different cups for the different colors and variety brings him joy. Good to know because my worldview is that I need consistency for joy. The idea that someone would want to change their cup all the time seems (in a small way) anxiety-inducing for me. A VERY small thing but once I explored it with curiosity instead of irritation, I had no problem with him using different cups throughout the day. 

         When you tell people who are in unhealthy relationships that "all relationships are hard" or that "the first year of marriage is really hard," you're essentially telling them that what they are experiencing is normal. GAH. NO! Let me be clear: abuse of any kind including your spouse disrespecting you is not normal or healthy! Another gentle, but firm reminder is that bishops (our ecclesiastical leaders) are there to help us SPIRITUALLY. They are not licensed marriage therapists or therapists of any kind. Sure, they can listen but they should not be giving you any advice in relation to your marriage. I had an excellent YSA bishop who listened and supported my worries about getting married but he also suggested therapy. That's the perfect balance! I was on the phone the other day with a close friend from college and I was telling her that the only way I was FULLY able to get married was to process the fact that Taylor and I could get a divorce. I sat and pondered this for an entire day and what my worst case scenario would me for us getting divorced. It was a tough day and honestly wouldn't super recommend it haha. But after, I was reflecting on how my parents are healing from their divorce. Looking at the past 6 years, I could see that getting divorced was really the best gift they gave us as kids, but also for their personal development and growth. I cringe at the sentiment that we oftentimes preach at church that you should never live with the mentality that divorce is an option. Guess what? Divorce is an option and sometimes it's the best option. Looking back at it, I almost wish my parents had gotten divorced sooner so that I would have had a longer time to watch them heal and develop before I got married. And less time of being privvy to a relationship that wasn't working anymore. To anyone reading this in a relationship where you feel belittled or berated emotionally or physically, please don't 'stay in it for the kids.' Trust me when I say, your kids are experiencing MORE trauma listening and witnessing an unhealthy relationship. Please please make the courageous move and get out of it before it impacts them deeply. I understand what I've just typed is probably controversial but it's really how I feel. Let's start talking about how life is hard but if you're in a healthy relationship, the hard parts are made easier by having a loving spouse who is always in your corner. And if you don't have that loving spouse in your corner, please please be more open to getting out of that relationship! 

• About mediation! I've always thought the phrase that Christ is our mediator was really cool. And then I learned more about mediation through theory and training, and I realized it's a really cool title for Christ because mediation is all about empowering people to be their best selves and helping them make their own best decisions. In essence, whenever we talk about Christ being a mediator, I had always imagined him interfering with our decisions. But that's not what a great mediator does. A great mediator listens, lifts up the positive emotions and empowers a person to come to their own conclusions. Mediation respects agency. I love thinking about a loving Savior that knows and loves us and wants to help us make our best decisions, but doesn't force us. Mediators also can handle differing truths in a room and I love thinking about how much our Savior loves us even when we aren't following Truth (truth with a capital T) 
• I've become low-key obsessed with Brene Brown. I LOVE HER. One of my new favorites is from her:"Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let out true selves be seen.” So in an effort to be more authentic and vulnerable, I do have to admit that being in Arizona has been tough due to my career options. I really did  love working at my past job (though it was wild!) in Colorado. I don't want to look back with rose-colored glasses, but I do really want to work in restorative justice. I worked as a special education para for about six weeks and quit because I had been unofficially offered a job as a PBIS Coach (positive behavior interventions! right up my alley!). Then, a few days later, he EMAILED me to let me know the position had been filled without any explanation. So that was infuriating. I have cried MANY times about job stuff. I have continued my job search but random things keep on happening. Like I applied for an entry level job at the Better Business Bureau (because it's at least ConRes related!) and they let me a voicemail to interview me and then I called back multiple times and left messages to no avail. I have felt very worthless the last month because I have some credit card debt that accumulated from health stuff while I was in grad school. If I am being honest, normally I would wait until I got a job to talk about it in my blog post. In an effort to be more authentic, I am going to post it today knowing full well I am jobless. I had a final interview for Grand Canyon University for a conduct officer so we shall see about that. In the meantime, I have been praying to use my time wisely because I realized last week that I just stay in the house and it makes me super depressed. It's been a hard month with a close friendship seeming to fray what I felt was somewhat randomly. I am very glad for Linds, my mom and Taylor for listening to me cry without judgement and holding space for me when I need it the most. That being said, please send me positive vibes I will eventually figure out what I personally am supposed to be doing here in Arizona. It is VERY hard to be the woman that moved to another state because her husband got another job. I always thought women were weak for doing that because I like providing for myself financially. But now, being in this situation, and KNOWING without a doubt that we are supposed to be in Arizona, I see the other side of it. Dang, I really need to stop saying I'll never do something. (Seriously though because I have often said I will never have more than two kids and I am sticking to that for now haha) It's hard because I have been almost financially independent for nearly a decade so to have Taylor be our only income and having him provide for me makes me very anxious because I am a control freak. I think part of the reason I've struggled with job stuff is for this very lesson. I've learned to be more vulnerable about finances and having 'someone else' aka my SPOUSE provide financially for us for the past month. Learning to be interdependent is hard for me sometimes but it's also a fun journey. Also Taylor is adorable and made me a promise that I won't publicize but essentially involved him being willing to move to accommodate my career as needed. 
• Santa Claus miracle dude. Okay so I didn't meet Santa Claus. Well, I can't confirm that either. But, like I mentioned earlier, Arizonans are SUPER nice. Our first week here, we went to Walmart and we were looking for something and I was talking about how I just wished all our stuff was already moved in. This college-aged guy starts talking to us and asking where we moved from and I'm thinking that this dude is going to try and sell us something so we need to peace, but then he just says welcome to Arizona and I hope you love it. And then he walked off! WHAT? Anyway, so I was on a walk with Lola a little bit ago and this cute old man was getting out of his car and stopped me to ask if he could give Lola a treat. I told him of course! So then he told me about how he had this dog for like 14 years and fed it bacon every day so that "he could just have the best life." We ended up talking for about 20 minutes about how he had moved here from Germany and that it had been hard. He was going skiing later that evening. At the end, he just sincerely thanked me for listening to him and as I walked off, I was just thinking about how sweet he was and how grateful I was to have met him. One of my mission companions, JoLee, had sent me something that someone had said in a talk that reminded me of this moment: "She (the person speaking) met this lady that she said she felt like she had known all her existence, and who Heavenly Father put in her path on earth, for however brief a time, just because he knew it would make their spirits happy." I love that! You never know the impact a conversation can have. Plus as I walked away, he summoned me back and gave ma huge box of Ghirardelli chocolate, so what a bonus!

That's about it. January was full of some very fun random moments like exploring a five floor library and trying new restaurants. I am excited to see what February brings and hopeful that I will have more answers to my individual purpose here in Arizona. I am very much enjoying the 73 degree weather we currently have!

"Inside the chaos, build a temple of love."- Rune Lazuli

Everyone knows I love lists because I like categories. I also always like to reflect on the end of the year so I can document my life. I started with my favorite quote from this year as my title. Words matter and I find that quotes soothe me. My entire apartment has very little photos but tons of quotes everywhere. I had a very chaotic year, but I liked the emphasis of making it full of love. Some runner up quotes included:

“Conflict is also like a journey. We talk about getting ourselves “in” and “out” of messes, problems, and “situations.” We try to figure out “where we are” on an issue, or where somebody “is headed” with a crazy idea. Our language talks about a journey. In conflict, more than in any other human experience, we see ourselves and others in new and profound ways, and we seek to restore truth and love in ourselves. If we take care to look beyond the words and the issues, we see God.”- John Paul Lederach

"We receive our inspiration from the mountains, but receive our maturity from the valleys of life."-Winston Churchill

"Never put a question mark where the Lord has put a period."- Harold B. Lee

"Learn how to stay with your fear; learn how to use it to build a muscle for facing what feels scary and overwhelming." - Daisy Ozim

"I would like to become tolerant without overlooking anything. Persecute no one even when all people persecute me. Become better without noticing it. Become sadder, but enjoy living. Become more serene. Be hapy in others. Belong to no one, grow in everyone. Love the best, comfort the worst, not even hate myself anymore." Elias Canetti

"You enter the forest at the darkest point, where there is no path."-Joseph Campbell

Funniest Memory:
This was hard for me, but the time I laughed the hardest was with Lindsey and Marisa on are unforgettable spring break trip to Glenwood. Not only did I get so sick that I wanted to see if there were missionaries there to give me a blessing, but we also got a 'cave rave' by our cave enthusiast, Cole and I probably will never forget it. I won't ever forget thinking I would die from severe cramps and an episode of what I now know to be IBS in our sketchy hotel room either.

*Runner up moment was when Leanna and I were mediating and it was a ridiculous dispute and the plaintiff just starts talking about how Judge Judy wanted him on his show. I couldn't stop wanting to laugh and it was a highly funny moment.

*Another honorable mention is when Mason and Heather were getting sealed and my papa goes, "Okay Mason, take Sister Davis and walk over here" and Mason started walking towards my mom instead of Heather.

Embarrassing Moment of the Year:
This was easy. Marisa and I went to a placed called Park Burger near DU. I had recently been diagnosed with IBS and I had forgotten that avocados and garlic were big trigger foods. I ate a lot of both and then we decided to go on a walk. Well... my stomach all the sudden really needed the restroom, so I told Marisa we needed to power walk to the restaurant or I would poop my pants. Good news is we had been roommates for three years in college and she loves me, so she was nice about it, but it wasn't my fondest memory.

Cool People I Met This Year:

• Michelle Kwan
• John Paul Lederach
• Madeline Albright

Best Piece of Advice:
This one is tied between Taylor and Lindsey.

• Taylor's piece of advice came a few weeks ago when I was worried about going back to Target the day after I had a sob fest about one of my students and couldn't stop crying so I left work early. He reminded me that people wouldn't judge me for caring about students and that it really didn't matter what other people thought. I was so nervous about going back until he said that and realized that nobody at Target knew the full story and as he reminded me, I was quitting in two weeks anyway. It gave me the confidence to not freak out about going back. (Also, they really didn't care. My boss made sure I was alright and then was super stoked I had come back). I'm working on caring about people's opinions of me less. 
• Lindsey's was also helpful. I have done a lot of relationship research because getting married was scary territory for me. A lot of reading talks about having shared experiences and memories and I started freaking out that Taylor and I had very little shared experiences. He hadn't known me when I went to DC or when I sobbed my brains nearly every day when my parents were getting divorced. He didn't know me as Hermana Davis and he wasn't technically here for my masters. Those were all big milestones and provided a huge growth for me. She reminded me that she hadn't been there for some of those moments and she also hadn't known me for any of those big moments in high school but they had become like shared memories because I had talked about them at length. It clicked that Taylor and I had created a shared space even though most of our relationship we've been apart. It was a tender mercy she said this and I'll be forever grateful. 

Coolest Things I've Learned:

• One of my favorite things I've learned is there is a difference between intent and impact. I can't tell you how many conversations I've had where I've said, "but I never meant to be rude/mean/arrogant, etc." And that's not the point. The point is how the person was impacted. 
• Emotional bids. I've already written about this but this term is the best!
• Another thing I love is the idea that everyone has their own sense of truth. Everyone has their own story that they tell themselves and oftentimes a conflict comes from two conflicting truths. I've always been comfortable acknowledging that 
• I learned a lot about my personal triggers and biases which has been helpful in my field. 

Favorite Movie: I liked a lot of movies this year, but I would say Crazy Rich Asians, Mary Poppins or First Man. All for different reasons, but all good.

Weirdest Place I Visited:
The bigfoot museum. But it was also a serious highlight and one of the best hours of this year. I'm half tempted to write the BFRO (Bigfoot Research Organization) into my will but I won't. It was seriously so fun!

Most Spiritual Moment:
This is also a tie between doing sealings with my future in-laws and the time our mission had a 'reunion' at the temple and I was once again in the temple with President Corbitt and I felt like even the angels were happy that Taylor and I were getting married. Both were spiritual highs for me this year during moments I really needed the spirit.

Songs That Motivated Me: (I tend to associate songs with my time of life, though some of these songs have always been my jam, many will always remind me of grad school)

• Whatever it Takes-Imagine Dragons
• The entirety of Taylor Swift's reputation. 
• Never Give Up and the Greatest- Sia
• Run the World-Beyonce 
• Who's Laughing Now?-Jessie J 
• Might Not Like Me- Bryn Elliot 
• Woman- Kesha

Good Reads That Motivated Me: 

• Anything written by John Paul Lederach. He's my new worldly obsession. 
• Educated a memoir by Tara Westover that is about a woman who was in a Mormon family who grew up with extreme views that didn't allow her to go to school. She ends up going to BYU and eventually finished her PhD at Cambridge and is one of the most beautifully written memoirs I've ever read. 
• Multiple BYU Speeches. I got really into reading them when I had a free moment at my internship, but one of my favorites is Women and Education: "A Future Only God Could See For You" and Be 100% Responsible. If you get a chance, read one of them. They were exceptional. 
• The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker. She's actually a conflict resolution practitioner but it's a fascinating read on the importance of gathering together for a specific purpose. 
• Text Me When You Get Home. Lindsey got this for my birthday and it's a book about female friendships and is a solid read about how we need to make sure we always cultivate our relationships with our friends. 

Best Moment at Work:

This is my second grade friend and I will call him John for the purpose of this quick story. When I first met him, we had to take him to the quiet room (where there is no stimulus and no furniture because he was throwing chairs and scissors and yelling that we weren't his boss. He repeatedly kicked me in the shins and called me an effing b multiple times. Flash forward several months and I took this picture after he was throwing crayons at other students. (A significant improvement from scissors). He had calmed down in less than a minute and was working quietly at my office and I took this picture to send to Taylor. A few minutes later, he came over and asked, "Ms. Kelsey, do you do hugs?" My first thought was oh my gosh, we are teaching boys consent! But I promptly responded and said, "Of course I do bud!" He gave me a hug and with some tears in his eyes replies, "I never feel like anyone cares about me, but I know you do." I looked right in his eyes, gave him a big hug and said, "You bet I do!" He's obsessed with watches and loves my Apple Watch. I bought him a watch off Amazon that has a vibrating timer and he had to earn it before Christmas. The day before break, he wouldn't take it off and would tell every single person he met that this was his new watch. He's kind of a turkey, but I love that little dude and I love my job. 

Here's to 2019: the year I walk for my master's degree, finish my first year at a real job and get married! It's going to be awesome!

“What you do makes a difference. And you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make” -Jane Goodall

This blog post begins a long time ago. Specifically, second grade. See in second grade, I was put in Ms. Critchfield’s class and I was assigned to sit by someone who I will refer to as Joseph. Joseph was a kid that acted out quite frequently and I seemed to be the only one that could handle sitting by him. I think my teachers were all very understanding through my time in elementary school, but when I first sat by him in second grade, I came home and complained to my mom. I didn’t understand why I was being punished for being good. She told me that he was going through a lot of things at home and that I needed to be nice to him. So I took my mom’s advice and it worked. I sat by him every year, for usually the entire year, until the end of sixth grade. Though Joseph is still the main character in my most embarrassing moment ever (when he found a note I had written to a crush and he decided to read it out loud to the ENTIRE CLASS), we had a good rapport. I would never consider us friends, but we got used to working with each other. I think he knew I always had his back. I sat a few seats away from him at high school graduation and gave him a hug and haven’t seen him since, but I still think about him.

I share this story because it’s a demonstration that I am in exactly the right field. Landing in the field of conflict resolution was not an easy process and many thought I should just go to law school. I get it. I’m super argumentative and value logic and I like defending people who are being misrepresented. I also am famous for saying, “but if you look at his/her side, then you’ll see that what they’re saying is also true.” I also understand that most people follow a cookie cutter route in life and don’t like to explore options and think that it’s either business, law or med school if you are doing a graduate degree. I also understand people who genuinely want to practice law, but I was not one of them. I knew that the second I was around lawyers all the time when I was an intern at the Federal Judicial Center in DC. I’ve shared this on another blog post, but it was a very intense prompting that I needed to get a master’s in conflict resolution and I am so happy I did. It is the perfect field for me and I feel like it was made for me.

 As a restorative practices liaison in a Title I elementary school, I deal every day with “problem kids.” Essentially any time a student is acting out, I go and talk to them and do circles or restorative conversations with them. I listen to them. I believe their truth even when it conflicts with another student or adult. I help them understand when their truth is unsafe. I make plans with them and help them make things right. It’s funny that this is the position I am in because before I left on my mission, I wanted to rule the State Department. Some people still have me in their phones at Madam Secretary (mostly just my mom, but that’s fine). But while on my mission, I realized how much I like individualized interaction. I don’t like big groups. I am so much better one on one with people. (Maybe another reason I’ve never had the desire to have a lot of children). I had never realized that before and I credit my time as a missionary for helping me realize how strong of a core value that was for me. When I came back, I started looking into programs with teaching English as a second language because I realized I would like to work in a school. The more I looked into those programs though, the more something felt wrong. I wanted to work in a school but not be a teacher. What? That’s the question I got commonly when I told people that. When this job popped up on Indeed during institute, I got my Kelsey prompting and knew I was supposed to be there. It’s the perfect combination of things I love: people taking active accountability for their actions, listening, repairing harm and making sure all sides of a story are represented and heard. People ask me how I am around these kids all the time. It’s not always fun and there are a lot of moments of the day when I’m negotiating with a kindergarten who is screaming and throwing things and I think to myself, why am I here? But then I always remark that kids are supposed to act out on some level and adults do the same crap all the time but no one tags them on their behavior. Yesterday, I was with two students who had gotten in a small fight on the bus. Long story short, I called both their guardians and it turns out THEY are also in a tiff. I was like I can handle solving the conflict with your children, but y’all need to figure out your own stuff because it’s ridiculous.

There are other parts of restorative justice that I have been prepared for throughout my life. One other way is because people always tell me things. I was telling this to our assistant principal because she had just talked to a student and could not get a lot out of him. I spent five minutes with him and he told me all about what was happening at school and what happened at his house this morning. I had a student on Friday, who I don’t know very well, get in trouble for being snarky with a para at recess and she came out to me. (She hadn’t told anyone except her mom). I had another student tell me about sexually suggestive comments boys were making to her at recess that had been happening for over a year and she had told no one. I have no idea why people like to tell me things, especially because I have that classic invisible “don't talk to me” tattoo on my forehead, but it’s been like this also since I was in elementary school. In college, I had my big fluffy green chair and I ended up jokingly calling it my therapy chair because people would come in my room, flop on the chair and start pouring out their feelings. As someone who is terrible with their own emotions, I find it super fascinating and illogical, but I’m glad people trust me. It’s a weird thing to mention, and I know it has nothing to do with my personality or strengths, but it’s been nice in this job to realize utilize that ability and make sure I can build an environment of trust. So far it’s worked and I hope my students always realize they can come and tell me anything that’s going on.

I have very much realized my white privilege while working here. I went to school in this exact same district growing up, but never experienced or heard any of my peers experience what happens to my kids on a daily basis. I was thinking about my life and realized the most traumatic thing that ever happened to me was when my parents divorced. And while that was personally one of those moments where the floor caves in, comparatively speaking, it’s nothing compared to what my elementary students deal with now. I’ve never had autism and watched my dad get arrested for selling drugs right before school. I’ve never had to jump on my dad’s back to stop him from beating my mom. I’ve never been beaten by either of my parents. I’ve never once gone to bed hungry, looking forward to going to school since I knew I would get breakfast and lunch. I’ve never had my grandma tell me she will beat me if I like girls. In kindergarten, I wasn’t living in a park with my dad while my mom was in a meth recovery center. These are all students’ stories that I have heard in the past month. Nothing super traumatic has happened to me. I know you shouldn’t categorize pain or trauma, but honestly, I want to cry when I hear these student’s stories.

This past Wednesday, I had had it with crappy parents and crappy home life.  I decided I had to drive to the temple and go to a session. It took me an hour to drive there in traffic and I cried the whole way there. I just kept on thinking why is this happening to little kids? Why have I led such an uneventful life and these kids were born into terrible circumstances? I missed my session by a few minutes, so I went and did initatories and stayed in the celestial room for over a half hour. I poured my heart out. I cried. I prayed fervently. I just needed some peace. And then, for some reason, I was reminded one of the parts of restorative justice that I love: I am only responsible for my own actions. (This is a statement I use frequently because kids constantly say ‘they made me do it’). I realized I had to let go, as much as it sucks and hurts and is terrible, of what happens to a student as soon as they leave the building. I don’t get to control what happens when they get home. I do however, get to control how they are treated at school. I do get to fight for them a bit when teachers deservedly are frustrated with their behavior. I can choose to be with them during breakfast and morning recess and ask everyone how their night was and what they are doing for the weekend. (One little boy told me the other day, “I’m so happy you’re always at breakfast Ms. Kelsey because you always give me the first smile of the day.” My heart actually broke) I can choose to listen and not get frustrated when my little second grade friend is laying in the hallway, refusing to listen to me. I can help my kids focus and express their emotions positively. And most importantly, I can love them. This little third grader, who is literally so sweet but is also always getting mixed into trouble, gave me a hug a few days ago in line. He gets sent to my office a lot, but he’s just the sweetest kid. Another second grader who, last year, was throwing chairs and constantly getting super angry, was so excited to call his mom and while on the phone he said, “Guess what? Ms. Kelsey thinks I’m an awesome student.” I’m not writing these down to toot my own horn. There have been plenty of kids that don’t like me since I do have to talk about consequences with them, but I am writing them down to remember on the hard days why I do what I do.  It’s funny because even though I get between 15,000-20,000 steps a day and I never get lunch and I’m dealing with kids in trouble for 8 hours a day, I love my job. I honestly wouldn’t trade it for the world. I know I was being super prideful since I also had a job offer to work at the DA’s office, but this is the best job I’ve ever had. I have rewritten a narrative I have always told people about myself since I was young: I am terrible with children. Many people have heard me say this. But guess what? It’s not true. In fact, I’m quite good with them. I have a kindergarten who stabs people with pencils and runs around swearing, but the second I am in there, he comes up and says, “Ms. Kelsey, I know what I just did was wrong. I just got so mad. Can I practice my apology with you?” (He’s a little turd sometimes, but I love him). I also get to see this compassionate side of me that is rare. (Honestly if I think your problem is dumb, I will probably tell that to your face, so I'm not normally very compassionate). But when I am around these kids, I would move mountains for them. In essence, I get to be my best worldly self at my job. It’s so great to be in a field that plays to your strengths, fills your bucket, and helps (even if it’s a small amount) children. Sometimes it honestly makes me never want to have kids because a. big emotions in tiny bodies are difficult and b. negotiating with five year olds is hard work and c. I don’t want to screw them up with any of the decisions I make. But, most of the time, it makes me super excited that I get to be entrusted to care for my own kids someday. It also makes me excited that I am choosing a partner, who though he isn’t perfect, is a perfect complement to me and we can come up with our parenting style. Yes, I’m sure we are going to scar them in ways like all parents do, but I know we will do the best we can to love them no matter what the challenges that we will have to face. I am so happy that in this short time, I have truly found my ideal self. And for now, since I am obviously not going to be a mom any time soon, I love getting to fully love the kids I work with. They really are the cutest kids!

"And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good." -John Steinbeck

Apparently when you have your second sinus infection and it's spring break, writing a blog seems to be like the thing to do. I hate not being busy. More on that later actually. But I loved this quote. I've been struggling with obsessive tendencies this past quarter. People always joke that I get so much done and they don't understand how. But recently, that has become a curse because if I write something down on a to-do list for the day, I have to do it or I will be anxious and can't sleep. It got to the point this quarter that I was doing assignments three weeks out. ON THE QUARTER SYSTEM IN GRADUATE SCHOOL. For those of you who aren't familiar, that is insane. I was taking 18 credits, working, doing an internship and have two very time intensive callings. Most people describe the quarter system as running as fast as you can but still always being behind. I clung to this for awhile. It was a way to control things in my life. I worked out 6 days a week even though I was having stomach problems and sinus headaches and migraines because it was on the list. I did all my homework way in advance. To be honest, I was very proud of myself. Look at me, crushing this grad school thing. I think this will be something I have to work on the rest of my life, but one Saturday, as I was working on an assignment two weeks in advance instead of going out to lunch with my dad, I realized something: this wasn't healthy. And I made another realization: if I was super busy, then I wasn't missing Taylor. And since I hated the idea of crying over missing my perfect fiancee, staying busy seemed smart. I also realized in this moment that it was okay to give myself a break and not do anything but watch a few episodes of TV. That same day, I literally cried a lot about how much I missed Taylor. I just sat in my bed, snuggled in his T-shirt, and cried for a solid half hour. Guess what, I FELT SO MUCH BETTER. Now when I miss him, I let myself miss him. It's okay and perfectly normal. But that wasn't the story I told myself for a long time. My brother's wedding was the next weekend and guess what I did instead of homework in my free time? Watched all of season 3 of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. It was weird at first. I had this nagging voice in the back of my head telling me I was a failure for relaxing and that I should really be working on my group project due at the end of the quarter. But I chose to ignore it. To be frank, I think when I get stressed out, this will happen again in the future. It happened on my mission. I wanted to be working every second of every day that sometimes I forgot that the purpose of missionary work is to show Heavenly Father's love. Sometimes sitting with a member for an hour because they were struggling WAS productive. Sometimes, it was okay to take a nap during language study when I had a headache. It was hard, and I never mastered it, but I've realized it's okay to be in the middle. I don't have to live in the extremes anymore. Also, it's okay to miss your best friend/fiancee who happens to be on a mission and you can't talk to him ever. I've always hated people who incessantly talk about their significant other (and I still do), but I realized I've gone to the other extreme of never talking about him so I don't a. sound obnoxious and b. don't have to miss him. Anyway, my point is that I realized I don't have to live in the future anymore and that's okay.

I love writing because it helps me rumble with my emotions. I largely chose English as a major not only because I love books (which was obviously a big reason!), but also to learn how to express myself in written format since verbally expressing myself makes me anxious. (Again, more on that later). I also love reading because it is often through someone else's words that I begin to assign meaning. I cannot tell you how many books have changed my life simply because they were a story I could see myself in. (This is why I always argue that books and movies should portray different people so that everyone can become absorbed and felt understood. I literally get sad thinking about how my children probably won't love reading as much as me). Anyway, these past two days with nothing to do, I read two books that were super fantastic: Rising Strong  by Brene Brown and The Subtle Art of Not Giving a {Expletive} by Mark Manson. Now I know the title of the second one does not seem church appropriate. But if you can get over the language, what he really says is so great. (One thing I loved at BYU as an English major is we were taught that anything could have literary value even if it had 'inappropriate' stuff going on. It's part of who I am to not reject something simply because of its source or presentation. However, if strong language offends you, I would not suggest it. Since I have developed a swearing problem sometimes, I actually kind of liked it.) Brown's book is all on vulnerability and how to reset after a 'failure,' and Manson's on embracing the fact that most of your life is ordinary and that you need to accept responsibility for everything that happens to you whether it's your fault or not. Both of them have the common theme (oh gosh, yes I know I'm going English major on you and it's just how my brain works) that we are in control of the stories we tell ourselves. i.e. We can change what we value and what we think is important. Please read them if you have the chance. It caused me some deep reflection about stories I've told myself.

I've told myself a lot of stories in the past (and some still bounce around in my head):

• No one wanted to date me because I'm overweight
• My parent's divorce is the reason I have problems with commitment
• The more I learn, the better person I am and the more value I provide to the world.
• Crying or showing emotion is weak
• Asking for help is a sign of weakness. I should always be able to handle everything by myself. 
• Having questions and not accepting everything at face value is a lack of faith. 
• I always have to say yes when someone asks me to do something because that's the way a responsible person behaves
• Going to Georgetown and remaining single will make me happier than getting married. 
• Getting everything done that I can possibly fit in a day makes me successful. If I laze around, then I have no value. 
• I have to achieve all my goals and I cannot fail at any of them. 
• If I make a mistake, everyone will stop loving me and I will never recover. 
• You can only gain a testimony by having a feeling. 
• BYU was a terrible school (not because of the education, but because of the culture) 
• As an oldest child, I have to set the positive example for my family
• Labeling myself as something other than a conservative or becoming a feminist meant I was a bad Mormon. 
• It's okay to eat six cupcakes because you deserve it you boss woman! 

There's obviously a lot more because we tell ourselves stories every day, but these were the most significant ones that have affected my life. In ConRes, we would call these positions. Having read "Getting to Yes" a zillion times in my program, I have really come to understand that I, like any other human being, am very positional and defensive about my positions. These stories that I have told myself do not express my interests or my actual values. They express my fear of rejection, always feeling like I have to be an example and some of my bad behaviors. My favorite way to describe positions versus interest is a story about orange and two sisters. Both sister argue that they need an orange (their position), but there's only one. Thinking the best solution is compromise, the mom cuts it in half. However, it turns out that one sister wanted the rinds to make cake while the other just wanted to make orange juice. (their interests) Both of them could have gotten 100% of what they wanted had they actually explored their positions/stories they tell themselves. I think about this story often when someone says something that instantly makes me angry. I am working on stepping back and asking myself two questions: What is their interest/story they're telling themselves? and what is my interest/story I'm telling myself? Anyway, this is basically a paragraph explaining that while I expect the rest of my life I will have to defend/explain my degree, I am in the right program and I have learned a lot. 

From now one, I am going to go through the rumble, as Brown suggests or take responsibility for my part of my stories at Manson suggest. Brown's book focuses also on how you always have to remain curious. If you are stuck in your position/story, and have no ability to look outside it, then you really can't make any change in the story and you're stuck in a miserable loop. As part of that rumble process, I've written some of how I have gotten out of an old story and put myself into a new one. 

One story I frequently tell myself is that BYU was a cause of a lot of my problems. I've never really written about it formally but now I realize that while there is a lot of truth to that, a lot of it was me. My senior year, I was practically inactive in my heart. I would go to church because I wanted to be with my roommates, but I was telling myself the story that "I had been lied to because families aren't forever." While telling myself this, I couldn't help but think if that was all a lie, what else was? I also hated being around people who were so single minded. It seemed as if everyone was a blonde, had perfect 4.6 GPA, perfect ACT score, played six varsity sports, participated in school plays and played 5 instruments. Then some of these exact people would be drinking and sleeping around, then show up on Sunday in a leadership calling. Obviously I am exaggerating that, but it was the culture sometimes. A lot of times, I couldn't feel the spirit because people were just so competitive. I loved being in my English classes because we would talk about different points of view and liberal politics and feminism. Most people laugh, but in retaliation to the culture there, I became even more focused on being a boss woman. I also learned that while people may be CRAZY ONE SIDED and not critical thinkers, I don't always have to be in opposition to their point just to show them the other side. I think I largely started hating on marriage because I resented the fact that I came to college to earn a degree while everyone else was focused on getting married. I'm happy that I attended BYU. I met some of my closest friends there and I also had to rumble with who I actually was outside of my parents and their testimony. It was jarring, and perhaps that's why I hated on it so much, but it was informative. That being said, there is some real work that needs to be done there and I will not be one of those parents that tells my children they can only go to a church school because I'm not sure it's a fantastic environment for everyone. 

One of my other positions/stories I tell myself is that I need to stop being so logical because a. I am a woman and that's what is expected of me and b. that's the only way to learn spiritual things. I have a lot of questions. When I get to the next life, boy will I need to have long conversations. I am fairly certain I am still kind of in that toddler mindset where I wish I could just say, "But why?" after nearly everything someone says to me. In my ideal world, I would spend forever in different schools because I crave information. One of my top strengths from Strengths Finder (which I highly recommend taking. It literally changed my life and made me feel so understood), is being a learner. I crave information the way some people crave attention. I wish I could just sit and research every single Wikipedia article. I wish I could go to Pharmaceutical school or study anthropology or read every book ever written. I know that sounds crazy, but I would totally do it if it were possible. I take the adage that the only things we can take with us to the next life are our bodies and our intellect. (It also makes me so happy that I get an eternity to learn. It's my favorite part of the whole plan). One of my favorite things to tell people is that I gained my testimony of the Book of Mormon while at BYU while we studied more as a piece of literature. I also tell people that Heavenly Father uses how we think to help, and for some reason, reading it in a 'this is potentially not a literal story, but there's still some value to it" really helped solidified its truth. And now that I've "rumbled" through that, I no longer tell myself that that wasn't a valid way to receive revelation. Plus, now my testimony is rock solid and it's my favorite book. If we are operating under the assumption that Heavenly Father created us each individually (and I always think under this framework), then we also have to assume that He, better than anyone else, even our spouse, knows how to communicate with us. He's the only person with whom we can have perfect communication. How neat is that? Okay, I am off my soapbox now. 

I was in the temple on Friday and felt inspired to do initatories. (In addition to the spiritual benefit, I am pretty sure Heavenly Father knew I had a raging sinus infection and needed something quick so I could make it to my doctor's appointment). As I sat listening the words, the spirit seemed to magnify all the times it talked about, essentially, our brain and its ability to pick out good and bad. (trying not to be specific here since it's a sacred place obviously). Towards my last time going through, I teared up because the spirit was so strong. I again realized that the Spirit can work different ways and I felt as if Heavenly Father were telling me, "Hey, guess what? I made you and I understand that you need to process everything and take it apart. It's cool." Maybe He doesn't actually speak like that, but that's how it felt. This was my most recent rumble with the story I told myself that I needed to focus more on feelings to receive revelation. Most of the time I have what my friends and family jokingly refer to as a "Kelsey revelation," where a thought permeates my mind with such intensity that I can't shake it. 

I've also worked through a lot of my commitment issues because Taylor is very patient with me. He knows that I told no one except my mom that we were engaged for a few weeks and guess what, he still loves me! Pretty cool, I know. I no longer assign the blame to my parents because honestly, a lot of it has to do with my skeptical mind. The sweetest thing that Taylor has ever told me was when he told me divorce was off the table in our relationship. I teared up and was more touched than when he told me he loved me for the first time (sorry for that brutal honesty!). Getting to rumble through these emotions has been the most rewarding thing in my life because Taylor makes my life happier. I used to literally loathe women who 'waited for their missionary.' I still hate that phrasing because it makes me look like I'm just chilling and doing nothing with my value while he's out there. But, I am happy that I get to support him on a mission. And I am beyond happy that I found my person before he left so that way I have so much security while he's out knowing that it's going to work out. I laugh thinking about how I thought getting married was a cop out. I look forward to rumbling through any problems we experience together and know that it will be worth it because Taylor is a perfect partner for me. One of my favorite things about him is he lets me rumble. He doesn't need answers immediately and is totally supportive of me thinking things through because he has to also! He is a very private 'rumbler' and I love that he shares with me everything he's thinking about it. I'm not ashamed to say that I miss him a lot and wish he was here so I could kiss him whenever I wanted. If that makes you cringe, you can take comfort in the fact that it made me low-key cringe even now typing it out. 

All these stories are things that I have actively worked on. One thing that my mission taught me was to overcome my story of not asking for help. There were SO many days on my mission that I needed help. Sometimes it was divine help, but most often it was help needed from my companion, who was in it with me. Other times, it came in the form of members or even investigators who would recognize that I was trying to support an entire congregation by myself and would just tell me to be "tranquila" (calm). One of my district leaders literally told me that had I died when I was a missionary, my tombstone should read, "Tranquilate Hermana Davis"  which means calm yourself. haha I attribute these various experiences to understanding why marriage is such a great thing! Who wouldn't want someone to be go through all of life's experiences and loves you even with all your crazy flaws and freak outs. (Or who literally sends you marriage prep homework because she's still lowkey terrified about screwing up a relationship. Taylor really is the best guys).

Even now, I am telling myself the story that if I blog about it, I am more responsible. Who knows if that's true? For now, I am going to keep rumbling with vulnerability and getting out of my "feedback from Hell loop" that Manson spends most of his time writing about. I hope you get the chance to rumble with your stories/positions as it's really helped me with every type of relationship I have. Going back to all original thoughts, I don't have to be perfect anymore, and that is so freeing because it allows me to be good. Feel free to call me out when I'm telling myself some old story. 

"It takes a lot of faith to put everything you have on the altar of God, trust in Him, and know that His plan is better for you than the plan you have mapped out for yourself."- Jane Clayson Johnson

Wow, so many things. But shout-out to Catherine McCabe for sending me this quote several months ago. One thing that I absolutely love about life are moments when I can tangibly compare my current self to a past version. I know that may sound confusing, but let me explain. This time last year, I was really confused about my life. I knew I should be in Fort Collins still and that I shouldn't go to DC for my master's but I didn't know what I needed to be doing instead as my plans had been changed. Sometimes I get super frustrated with myself because I don't see immediate perfection. While on my mission, I read a wonderful talk on consecration by Elder Callister and in it, he asserts that the Lord doesn't expect immediate perfection, but He does expect immediate progress. I love that. Well, let me tell you it's been a great year of progress! For so many reasons. I am writing it all down so that I can remember how important it is to follow Heavenly Father's plan for you. I had two basic goals this year: live in the sunshine (i.e. be more positive) and to make it to the temple every week. (Which I did, minus two weeks, but one was due to illness and the other because I was at the Nobel Peace Prize Conference and so I think I will count it as done!) Last Saturday, it culminated with my mom and I doing sealings for the first time. The spirit was so strong and I am so grateful that I was inspired to have that goal.

 Anyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking about how much I have changed in the past three years. A lot of that is due to my mission, but also several experiences I've had since then. Three years ago, I was really sad to be postponing Georgetown, but also really excited and nervous for my mission. I knew that my mission was going to change my life, but I was also super nervous about learning Spanish and living in another country. I look back on this Kelsey and I just want to tell her, guess what? You're going to see so many miracles. It's going to be the toughest thing ever, but you will learn so many neat lessons packaged individually for you! When I withdrew from Georgetown after I came home last year, knowing it was the right decision, I cried. I took a sick day from work and just got really mad. This was the thing I looked forward to for the entire time I was on my mission. On days that sucked, I would think to myself, it's fine I'll be at Georgetown soon enough. But it wasn't just giving up the dream, it was the fact that I didn't know what I was doing with my life. I don't mean to brag or make others jealous, but I always know what I am doing. I always have my life planned out at least two steps ahead of what I am currently doing. It's just how my brain works and also how I receive revelation. I just always know what I should be doing. But for 6 months of last year (2016), I had no clue. I applied to all these jobs in Utah and Denver but knew that I was supposed to stay up in FoCo. I applied to a TESL master's program at CSU and didn't feel right about that either. It was frustrating.

 On New Year's Eve, I was kind of fed up. I said a prayer as I was going to sleep, and for the first time in several months, I felt two specifics prompting that I knew would come true-I needed to go to DU for my MA in Conflict Resolution and I would 'notice' someone that would later become my eternal companion. I slept like a baby, and whipped out my application in two days. I didn't really focus on the eternal companion part because I "knew" that wasn't going to happen and also was really confused about the phrase that I would "notice someone." It was, quite frankly, bizarre, so I just ignored that piece for a solid part of the year, and focused on school. However, ever since New Year's Eve last year, EVERYTHING worked out for me. I don't know how. I seriously don't. I saw a flyer for a work study job (last time I applied, I was NOT offered work study, so this was also a bonus) and accepted it. Then I got an email about an internship that was unpaid, but on campus, so I wouldn't have to spend money to complete one. Right before I started, I got an email from my internship supervisor indicating that he got it funded and I made more money from my internship than my work study. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? I still don't understand it. Choosing to attend DU for my master's degree is one of the best things that happened to me this year. I love my program, and all 7 of us in it. I love the skills I've learned and how much better I am learning to communicate about emotions. It's beneficial to all of my relationships and is making me a better person. For a hefty price. But it's all worth it.

That's all about my first prompting. My second prompting is a little bit different. I started the year off with the resolve to better myself first. Right before I left for my DR visit in April, I just got very frustrated about this prompting. Everything was literally being handed to me on a silver platter for DU, and so I was confused why I wasn't meeting anyone. Like I mentioned, I had made the goal to attend the temple weekly and at this point was still in Fort Collins, so I prayed about it there. I got the reassurance that I would notice someone. Again, I was super confused.  Until a few days later and I went to a devotional and saw Taylor. Taylor and I had been more like acquaintances at this point. By that I mean that we would sit next to each other and make remarks under our breath at some church activities. I thought he was funny but that was the end of it. (Apparently I had told my mom several months earlier that I was really impressed by this 'man in our ward Taylor who was always at everything and willing to serve." But I honestly don't have any recollection of that. I guess I wasn't ready to notice it at the time) As we sat there, I just couldn't get the thought of my head that Taylor was just such a fun person, but also so focused on the temple. (He helped build the Fort Collins temple and we ended up being ordinance workers there on the same shift starting in May of this year. I know, it's adorable to me too) However, at this point, I knew he was not interested in me. (Deservedly so as you will read in a few sentences) but somehow managed to convince him to ask me to get frozen hot chocolate with me when we talked after the devotional. I work quick, don't I? ;)  (That this was the first thing we did together is just great because it reminds me of one of my favorite movies- Serendipity, which he ended up watching later). Anyway, the day of our 'date,' I was in a grumpy marriage mood. I think something had happened with one of my married friends and I was just so irked at the whole thing. So we go out and I was just hating on marriage and relationships. I know. I'm such a pleasure. Not my finest moment. Obviously, he wasn't enjoying it and neither was I. (I won't speak for him, but I know he wasn't into it since we've obviously chatted about this now) We went out before institute, so we drove back, he got out of my car, and then I had the strongest feeling I've ever had (besides when I knew I was supposed to serve a mission) that we would end up married. Can we just talk about how bizarre this was? It wasn't even a good date! I didn't even really know him! And, as a bonus, he had just put in his mission papers. So I went to institute, sat by Taylor, and tried not to be super weird. You can't just tell someone you were super rude to on a first date that you just felt like you were going to end up married. Luckily for me, I went on my vacation to the DR and had some time to process. I ended up talking to my mission president about it while I visited with him which really helped soothe me down. It took us a long time to finally get to the place where we could actually date. We became closer friends and then finally it all worked out where we started dating and realizing that this was what we both wanted in a relationship... right before his mission. And to add to it, I was leaving for DC for the last week before he left. But, it all worked out.

There are many reasons I love Taylor and why he's perfect for me which I won't get into now. We are both even INTJs! (We have the same personality from the Meyers Brigg test) He turns toward me when I am asking for an emotional bid (more on this later on in this post).But one of the things I love most is how respectful he is towards women. He treats me so well and for some reason, we were both just so open with each other about everything. I think it was weird for both of us to be so open with someone about everything in our lives, but it really has helped solidify my decision to marry him. Yes, he's on a mission currently. (He's 25, so don't worry, I'm not dating an 18 year old. We turned 25 within two weeks of each other. I will actually get to celebrate birthday week and have an excuse!) But I can't wait to marry him. It honestly took me a while to type that because it's still so crazy to me how this all happened. I am so grateful I will get that opportunity. My life with him in it is a lot better and it's surprising to me. I've always hated the cliche that you marry your best friend, but I have found that to be true. I tell him everything and vice versa and I never feel self conscious around him. Enough sappiness. But to sum it up: I'm so happy he's in my life. Even if it's at a distance for the next year and a half.

Long story short, I'm glad I didn't move to DC. Because I wouldn't have noticed Taylor or started my program at DU. My dad sent me this story about the currant bush from Hugh B. Brown on my mission and it's become almost like scripture to me. It talks about when he was supposed to be promoted in the military but  didn't because he was Mormon. His lifelong dream was crushed. However, when he looked back at his life, he talked about all the crazy awesome benefits that came from that decision and all the blessings he received. He then compares it to a time he was cutting down a currant tree and how it seemed to him that it was crying and asking why it was being cut down when it had grown into a big tree. I love what he says:

"Now some of you as you go forward are going to meet with disappointment—perhaps many disappointments, some of them crucial. Sometimes you will wonder if God has forgotten you. Sometimes you may even wonder if He lives and where He has gone. But in these times when so many are saying God is dead and when so many are denying His existence, I think I could not leave with you a better message than this: God is aware of you individually. He knows who you are and what you are, and, furthermore, He knows what you are capable of becoming. Be not discouraged, then, if you do not get all the things you want just when you want them. Have the courage to go on and face your life and, if necessary, reverse it to bring it into harmony with His law...“I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to be. If I let you go the way you want to go, you will never amount to anything. And someday, when you are ripened in life, you are going to shout back across the time and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.'"

I echo his words. I am grateful that Heavenly Father loves me enough to 'hurt me' temporarily. What a magnificent gift that we can have the gift of the Spirit and always discern what we need to be doing. It's one of my dearest gifts I have received. And I am so thankful for it. I hope that 2018 will bring with it its ups and downs and that I can always align my will with His. 

If you're still reading this, here is a brief update on other incredible things that happened this year:

• Nobel Peace Prize Forum. Apparently DU was one of the first three schools to start a Conflict Resolution program.  Anyway, our Institute at DU was invited to go to the Nobel Peace Prize Forum in Minnesota and my program decided to send two delegates. I applied, thinking no way is this going to happen, but it did! I got selected to go and it was such an incredible experience. Plus I met Leanna, who is now one of my favorite people. 
• I emailed President Corbitt to share my experience about eternal families and how this one meeting on my mission changed the course of my life. He was grateful for it and then we chatted about this line from Elder Rafael E. Pino,"The Lord knows what He wants to accomplish with each one of us. He knows the kind of reform He wants to achieve in our lives, and we do not have the right to counsel Him. His thoughts are higher than our thoughts." How beautiful that is. If you follow me at all on social media, you know that I went back and visited my mission and blogged about it previously. Visiting my mission in April was another highlight. I love the people there and was so blessed to go back and visit them! (Thank you nice tax return and no school fees yet!) I also learned how to ride a motorcycle and dance bachata. So fun! At our mission reunion, we found out that our mission for the year 2016 was the most improved mission in the world! How cool seeing as it was so tough to even get people to commit to lessons. So grateful to have served in the mejor mision del mundo!
• I went on a DC birthdaycation with Chelsea! We had been roommates together when we did our internships through BYU in DC and it was the best way ever to celebrate turning a quarter of a century old. We mostly ate! haha and honestly, I wish I could go there now and eat a Good Stuff burger and shake because that sounds so good! 
• I finished three rounds of BBG (a 12 week workout program). I started this time last year and I am amazed at my progress. I decided I really wanted to work on being strong and also on my diet. While I am not perfect in my eating habits, I have definitely cleaned them up and love not feeling weighed down by crap food! I can also do pushups now, so I feel good! 
• I've been obsessed about reading marriage prep books and relationship books in general. Sometimes the interpersonal conflict books for my program just really hit home. But my favorite thing I learned last year was the idea of "emotional bids" which was coined by David Gottman. According to him, "a bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection or any other positive connection." Please learn more about this as it's changed my life even within my family. You can find a beginner's guide to this here: Intro to Emotional Bids and more specific examples of what bids are here
• My sister is serving a mission in LA, spanish speaking and it's so fun to see how much she loves it! I love reading her emails and just feeling that missionary vibe. And Mason is going to get married to Heather in February! What a great time for my family!