I have sometimes joked that if I don't get married in this lifetime, I'll just be C.S. Lewis' second wife in the next. And it's a pretty good backup plan if you ask me. I just love him. I also love this quote. I am doing a lot of waiting because...
I DO NOT HAVE ANY CLUE WHAT I AM DOING. Typing that sentence makes me honestly want to die. The only thing I feel super good about is being in Fort Collins, which is also a plot twist. I have been in such a weird head space these last two weeks, which is super sad because they've been so fun with some unexpected things! I have this problem where I've been just randomly yolo doing things. Like I randomly applied for a job in like three seconds here in Ft. Collins... and I got a job interview. And I was really excited about it. And then freaked out. My problem is my personality is just so weird. Sometimes, I am ALL in for everything. I want to be loving and date and just try whatever job and move wherever and then my brain comes in the way and I just absolutely freak out. So sorry to everyone who has met me or talked to me in the last month. I've just always been the girl with the plan and they didn't ever involve staying in Colorado, dating, finding a job or even wanting any of those things. So massive changes. It's hard because there's still this huge part of me that wants to go to Georgetown, never get married and be a boss Secretary of State. But since I know I'm not supposed to, it's hard! I don't know how to describe it. But basically, I've been a mess the past couple of weeks. My brother's girlfriend, Jessika, sent me a link with a personality quiz just to see if I would still get the INTJ result. And I did. But then I read this:
And I honestly just wanted to share it with everyone. STORY OF MY LIFE people. It is so hard being a woman and an INTJ. (For those of you who do not know what I am talking about, please take the Meyers Briggs personality test. It'll change your world). I want to be open and optimistic, but then when it comes down to it, I just shut down. I have like a brave quota and once it caps, I am done. I am brave and then chicken out. As I was spending my Friday evening watching Cinderella (also that sentence is kind of embarrassing but whatever) I loved the tagline of "Have courage and be kind." So I decided to be brave and just come right out with it. And then I realized, I am brave and care up to a point and then I just shut down. I want to have an awesome job, get married, have kids and be a full-time mom. (Right now as my mom and several other people read this, they may fall over dead. But it's true. I don't know who I am right now!). But there's still such an innate part of me that rejects all of that... so I'm in a weird transition mode. I just wanted to give a shout out to everyone who has helped me in this transition mode. I am sorry for being weird. And sorry to all my good friends that I've been ignoring recently. It's just hard to be so different around people who knew what you were like. But I've changed. And to be completely vulnerable and honest, I do want to be a mom. After my job interview, (with this really sweet spanish non-profit!! pray that I get it!) I called my mom and told her if I didn't really care if it didn't pay well because I honestly just wanted to get married and have kids. I think she almost dropped the phone. Maybe this is too honest of a post. Maybe people will be weirded out by it. But the point is, people change. But it is a process. It's hard. Especially when you've spent your whole life not wanting to date or get married and basically hating half of the population of the world. Basically, the atonement is real. Because there is no way I would be here typing this out if Heavenly Father literally had not changed my mind. I look forward to what happens in my future. I have no plans, so I am hoping that Heavenly Father guides me as He always has. And His plans have always been better than mine. Several of my 'yolo' moments have worked out for me... Mainly paying an exorbitant amount of money to see Adele. Because if you're having a quarter-life crisis, who better to wallow with than the queen of sad music?
I CANNOT WAIT. She will be getting her own blog post next Monday. Unless I am in a musically induced coma. Which will probs happen.
Life up here in Fort Collins is definitely an adventure. I came here thinking I was moving to DC, so I basically ignored people... so wish me luck!
And everyone I am close to, I am sorry. But thanks for sticking by me as I figure out my new self. Thanks for loving my new self even though it may not see as 'boss' as who I used to be. I am still here, just a more humbled version.
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