Anything but Ordinary: "My wish for you is that you continue. Continue to be who you are, to astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness." -Maya Angelou

Sorry that I am still obsessed with Maya Angelou. But also, she is the best. And she had some great advice. I still can't believe that I ended up being able to see her before she died while I was in DC. (Shout out to my girl Chels for hooking a sister up and also waiting in 10 degree weather for an hour so we could get in) I feel like 2016 was a hard year for a lot of people. But honestly, the whole point of life is to continue no matter what. And with recent political and world events, I've decided we need to continue being kind. I love the church's social media campaign of #sharegoodness. Because the world needs happy and positive thoughts. When I blogged last, I had made the goal to have a true and honest heart. I wanted to be able to be more direct and honest with other people, Heavenly Father, and myself. Since I put this as a goal, I have received so much help in it that I was surprised. I had been talking to my father about new year's resolution and he said something that stood out: just make one. So though I have several goals for the year, my main resolution is to have a true and honest heart. Like I said, I've had several situations that made me value honesty. But for the point of this post, I would like to focus on one.

I'd like to begin with this quote:

"Living with integrity means: not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe." Barbara De Angelis.

I read this the other day and realized I needed to have more integrity in my life. I am terrible at asking for what I need from other people. It actually gives me pretty big anxiety. I am a people pleaser by nature and I hate when people are even remotely upset with me. Anyway, this month I had the opportunity to have the most frank and honest conversation I have ever had with someone. It was almost bizarre. I pride myself in being honest and very self-aware. However, during the course of this conversation, the person was just so honest and raw that I realized I am nowhere near to being this honest with anyone. As I listened, I was just in awe that someone could be so honest while also being so self-aware. I admired the courage and vulnerability it took. While this conversation was going on, I just kept on thinking, crap. I need to do more self-evaluation. I also came to the conclusion that in order to have a true and honest heart, I need to be more vulnerable in expressing my feelings. I trust very few people in my life because I care a lot about people's opinions of me. I have decided that I am not going to settle for that anymore. I am going to be me. And the only confirmation I will need is from my Heavenly Father.And I realized I have a lot of superficial friendships. Which, again, was a shock because I pride myself on being honest and aware. Anyway, I am so thankful for this learning curve I had. And also. if I start grilling you or being more overtly direct with you, sorry, but I've got to be more honest! :) I've already made some changes, which you can read about now...

My new job. I LOVE MY NEW JOB. I am working as a care provider for young adults with disabilities and it is the best job I have ever had. It is so satisfying. I have also learned a lot about honesty. The other day two of my clients were in the car and one of them said, "You're awesome! I love you!" and the other responded, "I know I am awesome, but thank you!" And then later that day, when one needed help ordering, the other leaned over and said, "I know you can do it!" Guys, be still my beating heart. I have learned more about selflessness and compassion and charity and honesty in a week and a half of this job than in any other time of my life. They are who they are with no regrets. They encourage and help each other. They have awesome self confidence. I am supposed to be helping them, but they are softening my heart. I've also realized something: you can't capture all the moments you want on film. Sometimes, you just need to live it. It reminds me of something Adele said at her concert. She told everyone to turn off their phones and just enjoy the show. That we weren't paying to see her through a lens. But just experience her songs. She was right. The other day, one of my clients was singing Taylor Swift. She's really shy and doesn't express a lot of emotions, but when I told her the only CD I had was Taylor, she lit up. And she just sang her heart out. It was honestly one of the cutest things I have ever seen in my entire life. I actually teared up. I couldn't videotape it obviously, but I have burned it into my memory in hopes that I will always remember her being vulnerable and jamming to Taylor Swift. Sorry to gush. But I love each and every one of people I work with and I am so blessed I get to learn so much from them.
Never say never. So I have kept up my never say never thing... and I am taking a belly dancing class. My friend Erika someone managed to make me think it was a good idea... and it was! Will I be a professional belly dancer? Probably not. But I love it so much because it's so freeing. We are taking it at the senior center (yes, you read that correctly) and honestly it's so much fun because I don't care what people are thinking. I'm just there to learn how to move my hips. It's been very liberating. The other day, I also left the house without foundation. Now normally. I don't wear a lot of makeup but I never leave anymore without foundation (unless on my mission because I was already a physical disaster anyway). So I left, went to Zumba without foundation. AND GUYS, it was the best. I realized, again, that no one cares. I don't even know these people. And also, who cares if I did? I think this never say never thing has made me so much more confident... and have a true and honest heart. So there you go!
University of Denver. So plot twist... I have also applied to the MA in Conflict Resolution... the program that I had applied for in 2014. (the same program I was admitted to for Georgetown) For some bizarre reason, when I rejected Georgetown because I knew I shouldn't go, it never occurred to me that it wasn't because of the actual degree. Since my new quest to be honest and self analyze, I thought about why I rejected Georgetown. And a lot of it boiled down to that I was afraid I would default back to my pre-mission self. (Let's be honest, I probably would) and I wasn't willing to risk the incredible changes I had made from my mission. But I realized I am still very interested in conflict resolution and negotiation. So on New Year's Eve, the thought popped into my head to look back into DU. And it turns out that they added a Humanitarian Assistance certificate and a bunch of other things that made me so much more interested. So I re-applied. I don't know where I will be in fall 2017. But I have felt very strongly about getting a master's degree in conflict resolution in the past. And it suits my abilities and natural talents. I also think it would be a final healing process from some personal issues I've had in my life. It would make me less scared to get married. Or deal with problems that I avoid. So, in a massive plot twist, I could end up at DU. Who knows? (Side note: Condoleeza Rice studied there and was taught by Madeline Albright's father, so two Sec States have ties here... just saying ;)

Thoughts on Adam and Eve. This may seem random. But in the spirit of this honest conversation I had, when I went to the temple, I was focused on all the things that happened after the Fall. (Side note: during this session was also the first time I did a session with my brother. There is no better feeling than being with your family in the celestial room. I love you Mace. Even if you're weird and crazy!) Anyway, it hit me profoundly that even though Eve partook of the fruit and in some way knew it was what she needed to do, she had no recollection that a Savior would be provided for her. She is the only person that has lived on earth that had to act on pure faith. Everyone else born into this world has the opportunity to know that Christ's atonement would happen/happened, but she had no clue. She made a decision. I think of the joy she must have felt after walking completely in the dark, but also knowing it was the right thing to do, only to find out that the Savior's sacrifice would still let her return back to her Heavenly Father. I wish I had the courage and bravery she did. The faith that it took for her is remarkable and I am happy to be in a church that values and respects her. It also reminds me of several people I've met recently who don't realize that they can repent. That don't realize that their Savior can help them. It makes me so sad, but I also know they will all get their opportunity if not in this life, then the next. It's why Heavenly Father is so loving: everyone gets second chances.

So that is life my friends. Messy, weird but oh so marvelous. So happy to be living in this magical chaos.