“What you do makes a difference. And you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make” -Jane Goodall

This blog post begins a long time ago. Specifically, second grade. See in second grade, I was put in Ms. Critchfield’s class and I was assigned to sit by someone who I will refer to as Joseph. Joseph was a kid that acted out quite frequently and I seemed to be the only one that could handle sitting by him. I think my teachers were all very understanding through my time in elementary school, but when I first sat by him in second grade, I came home and complained to my mom. I didn’t understand why I was being punished for being good. She told me that he was going through a lot of things at home and that I needed to be nice to him. So I took my mom’s advice and it worked. I sat by him every year, for usually the entire year, until the end of sixth grade. Though Joseph is still the main character in my most embarrassing moment ever (when he found a note I had written to a crush and he decided to read it out loud to the ENTIRE CLASS), we had a good rapport. I would never consider us friends, but we got used to working with each other. I think he knew I always had his back. I sat a few seats away from him at high school graduation and gave him a hug and haven’t seen him since, but I still think about him.

I share this story because it’s a demonstration that I am in exactly the right field. Landing in the field of conflict resolution was not an easy process and many thought I should just go to law school. I get it. I’m super argumentative and value logic and I like defending people who are being misrepresented. I also am famous for saying, “but if you look at his/her side, then you’ll see that what they’re saying is also true.” I also understand that most people follow a cookie cutter route in life and don’t like to explore options and think that it’s either business, law or med school if you are doing a graduate degree. I also understand people who genuinely want to practice law, but I was not one of them. I knew that the second I was around lawyers all the time when I was an intern at the Federal Judicial Center in DC. I’ve shared this on another blog post, but it was a very intense prompting that I needed to get a master’s in conflict resolution and I am so happy I did. It is the perfect field for me and I feel like it was made for me.

 As a restorative practices liaison in a Title I elementary school, I deal every day with “problem kids.” Essentially any time a student is acting out, I go and talk to them and do circles or restorative conversations with them. I listen to them. I believe their truth even when it conflicts with another student or adult. I help them understand when their truth is unsafe. I make plans with them and help them make things right. It’s funny that this is the position I am in because before I left on my mission, I wanted to rule the State Department. Some people still have me in their phones at Madam Secretary (mostly just my mom, but that’s fine). But while on my mission, I realized how much I like individualized interaction. I don’t like big groups. I am so much better one on one with people. (Maybe another reason I’ve never had the desire to have a lot of children). I had never realized that before and I credit my time as a missionary for helping me realize how strong of a core value that was for me. When I came back, I started looking into programs with teaching English as a second language because I realized I would like to work in a school. The more I looked into those programs though, the more something felt wrong. I wanted to work in a school but not be a teacher. What? That’s the question I got commonly when I told people that. When this job popped up on Indeed during institute, I got my Kelsey prompting and knew I was supposed to be there. It’s the perfect combination of things I love: people taking active accountability for their actions, listening, repairing harm and making sure all sides of a story are represented and heard. People ask me how I am around these kids all the time. It’s not always fun and there are a lot of moments of the day when I’m negotiating with a kindergarten who is screaming and throwing things and I think to myself, why am I here? But then I always remark that kids are supposed to act out on some level and adults do the same crap all the time but no one tags them on their behavior. Yesterday, I was with two students who had gotten in a small fight on the bus. Long story short, I called both their guardians and it turns out THEY are also in a tiff. I was like I can handle solving the conflict with your children, but y’all need to figure out your own stuff because it’s ridiculous.

There are other parts of restorative justice that I have been prepared for throughout my life. One other way is because people always tell me things. I was telling this to our assistant principal because she had just talked to a student and could not get a lot out of him. I spent five minutes with him and he told me all about what was happening at school and what happened at his house this morning. I had a student on Friday, who I don’t know very well, get in trouble for being snarky with a para at recess and she came out to me. (She hadn’t told anyone except her mom). I had another student tell me about sexually suggestive comments boys were making to her at recess that had been happening for over a year and she had told no one. I have no idea why people like to tell me things, especially because I have that classic invisible “don't talk to me” tattoo on my forehead, but it’s been like this also since I was in elementary school. In college, I had my big fluffy green chair and I ended up jokingly calling it my therapy chair because people would come in my room, flop on the chair and start pouring out their feelings. As someone who is terrible with their own emotions, I find it super fascinating and illogical, but I’m glad people trust me. It’s a weird thing to mention, and I know it has nothing to do with my personality or strengths, but it’s been nice in this job to realize utilize that ability and make sure I can build an environment of trust. So far it’s worked and I hope my students always realize they can come and tell me anything that’s going on.

I have very much realized my white privilege while working here. I went to school in this exact same district growing up, but never experienced or heard any of my peers experience what happens to my kids on a daily basis. I was thinking about my life and realized the most traumatic thing that ever happened to me was when my parents divorced. And while that was personally one of those moments where the floor caves in, comparatively speaking, it’s nothing compared to what my elementary students deal with now. I’ve never had autism and watched my dad get arrested for selling drugs right before school. I’ve never had to jump on my dad’s back to stop him from beating my mom. I’ve never been beaten by either of my parents. I’ve never once gone to bed hungry, looking forward to going to school since I knew I would get breakfast and lunch. I’ve never had my grandma tell me she will beat me if I like girls. In kindergarten, I wasn’t living in a park with my dad while my mom was in a meth recovery center. These are all students’ stories that I have heard in the past month. Nothing super traumatic has happened to me. I know you shouldn’t categorize pain or trauma, but honestly, I want to cry when I hear these student’s stories.

This past Wednesday, I had had it with crappy parents and crappy home life.  I decided I had to drive to the temple and go to a session. It took me an hour to drive there in traffic and I cried the whole way there. I just kept on thinking why is this happening to little kids? Why have I led such an uneventful life and these kids were born into terrible circumstances? I missed my session by a few minutes, so I went and did initatories and stayed in the celestial room for over a half hour. I poured my heart out. I cried. I prayed fervently. I just needed some peace. And then, for some reason, I was reminded one of the parts of restorative justice that I love: I am only responsible for my own actions. (This is a statement I use frequently because kids constantly say ‘they made me do it’). I realized I had to let go, as much as it sucks and hurts and is terrible, of what happens to a student as soon as they leave the building. I don’t get to control what happens when they get home. I do however, get to control how they are treated at school. I do get to fight for them a bit when teachers deservedly are frustrated with their behavior. I can choose to be with them during breakfast and morning recess and ask everyone how their night was and what they are doing for the weekend. (One little boy told me the other day, “I’m so happy you’re always at breakfast Ms. Kelsey because you always give me the first smile of the day.” My heart actually broke) I can choose to listen and not get frustrated when my little second grade friend is laying in the hallway, refusing to listen to me. I can help my kids focus and express their emotions positively. And most importantly, I can love them. This little third grader, who is literally so sweet but is also always getting mixed into trouble, gave me a hug a few days ago in line. He gets sent to my office a lot, but he’s just the sweetest kid. Another second grader who, last year, was throwing chairs and constantly getting super angry, was so excited to call his mom and while on the phone he said, “Guess what? Ms. Kelsey thinks I’m an awesome student.” I’m not writing these down to toot my own horn. There have been plenty of kids that don’t like me since I do have to talk about consequences with them, but I am writing them down to remember on the hard days why I do what I do.  It’s funny because even though I get between 15,000-20,000 steps a day and I never get lunch and I’m dealing with kids in trouble for 8 hours a day, I love my job. I honestly wouldn’t trade it for the world. I know I was being super prideful since I also had a job offer to work at the DA’s office, but this is the best job I’ve ever had. I have rewritten a narrative I have always told people about myself since I was young: I am terrible with children. Many people have heard me say this. But guess what? It’s not true. In fact, I’m quite good with them. I have a kindergarten who stabs people with pencils and runs around swearing, but the second I am in there, he comes up and says, “Ms. Kelsey, I know what I just did was wrong. I just got so mad. Can I practice my apology with you?” (He’s a little turd sometimes, but I love him). I also get to see this compassionate side of me that is rare. (Honestly if I think your problem is dumb, I will probably tell that to your face, so I'm not normally very compassionate). But when I am around these kids, I would move mountains for them. In essence, I get to be my best worldly self at my job. It’s so great to be in a field that plays to your strengths, fills your bucket, and helps (even if it’s a small amount) children. Sometimes it honestly makes me never want to have kids because a. big emotions in tiny bodies are difficult and b. negotiating with five year olds is hard work and c. I don’t want to screw them up with any of the decisions I make. But, most of the time, it makes me super excited that I get to be entrusted to care for my own kids someday. It also makes me excited that I am choosing a partner, who though he isn’t perfect, is a perfect complement to me and we can come up with our parenting style. Yes, I’m sure we are going to scar them in ways like all parents do, but I know we will do the best we can to love them no matter what the challenges that we will have to face. I am so happy that in this short time, I have truly found my ideal self. And for now, since I am obviously not going to be a mom any time soon, I love getting to fully love the kids I work with. They really are the cutest kids!