“What you do makes a difference. And you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make” -Jane Goodall

This blog post begins a long time ago. Specifically, second grade. See in second grade, I was put in Ms. Critchfield’s class and I was assigned to sit by someone who I will refer to as Joseph. Joseph was a kid that acted out quite frequently and I seemed to be the only one that could handle sitting by him. I think my teachers were all very understanding through my time in elementary school, but when I first sat by him in second grade, I came home and complained to my mom. I didn’t understand why I was being punished for being good. She told me that he was going through a lot of things at home and that I needed to be nice to him. So I took my mom’s advice and it worked. I sat by him every year, for usually the entire year, until the end of sixth grade. Though Joseph is still the main character in my most embarrassing moment ever (when he found a note I had written to a crush and he decided to read it out loud to the ENTIRE CLASS), we had a good rapport. I would never consider us friends, but we got used to working with each other. I think he knew I always had his back. I sat a few seats away from him at high school graduation and gave him a hug and haven’t seen him since, but I still think about him.

I share this story because it’s a demonstration that I am in exactly the right field. Landing in the field of conflict resolution was not an easy process and many thought I should just go to law school. I get it. I’m super argumentative and value logic and I like defending people who are being misrepresented. I also am famous for saying, “but if you look at his/her side, then you’ll see that what they’re saying is also true.” I also understand that most people follow a cookie cutter route in life and don’t like to explore options and think that it’s either business, law or med school if you are doing a graduate degree. I also understand people who genuinely want to practice law, but I was not one of them. I knew that the second I was around lawyers all the time when I was an intern at the Federal Judicial Center in DC. I’ve shared this on another blog post, but it was a very intense prompting that I needed to get a master’s in conflict resolution and I am so happy I did. It is the perfect field for me and I feel like it was made for me.

 As a restorative practices liaison in a Title I elementary school, I deal every day with “problem kids.” Essentially any time a student is acting out, I go and talk to them and do circles or restorative conversations with them. I listen to them. I believe their truth even when it conflicts with another student or adult. I help them understand when their truth is unsafe. I make plans with them and help them make things right. It’s funny that this is the position I am in because before I left on my mission, I wanted to rule the State Department. Some people still have me in their phones at Madam Secretary (mostly just my mom, but that’s fine). But while on my mission, I realized how much I like individualized interaction. I don’t like big groups. I am so much better one on one with people. (Maybe another reason I’ve never had the desire to have a lot of children). I had never realized that before and I credit my time as a missionary for helping me realize how strong of a core value that was for me. When I came back, I started looking into programs with teaching English as a second language because I realized I would like to work in a school. The more I looked into those programs though, the more something felt wrong. I wanted to work in a school but not be a teacher. What? That’s the question I got commonly when I told people that. When this job popped up on Indeed during institute, I got my Kelsey prompting and knew I was supposed to be there. It’s the perfect combination of things I love: people taking active accountability for their actions, listening, repairing harm and making sure all sides of a story are represented and heard. People ask me how I am around these kids all the time. It’s not always fun and there are a lot of moments of the day when I’m negotiating with a kindergarten who is screaming and throwing things and I think to myself, why am I here? But then I always remark that kids are supposed to act out on some level and adults do the same crap all the time but no one tags them on their behavior. Yesterday, I was with two students who had gotten in a small fight on the bus. Long story short, I called both their guardians and it turns out THEY are also in a tiff. I was like I can handle solving the conflict with your children, but y’all need to figure out your own stuff because it’s ridiculous.

There are other parts of restorative justice that I have been prepared for throughout my life. One other way is because people always tell me things. I was telling this to our assistant principal because she had just talked to a student and could not get a lot out of him. I spent five minutes with him and he told me all about what was happening at school and what happened at his house this morning. I had a student on Friday, who I don’t know very well, get in trouble for being snarky with a para at recess and she came out to me. (She hadn’t told anyone except her mom). I had another student tell me about sexually suggestive comments boys were making to her at recess that had been happening for over a year and she had told no one. I have no idea why people like to tell me things, especially because I have that classic invisible “don't talk to me” tattoo on my forehead, but it’s been like this also since I was in elementary school. In college, I had my big fluffy green chair and I ended up jokingly calling it my therapy chair because people would come in my room, flop on the chair and start pouring out their feelings. As someone who is terrible with their own emotions, I find it super fascinating and illogical, but I’m glad people trust me. It’s a weird thing to mention, and I know it has nothing to do with my personality or strengths, but it’s been nice in this job to realize utilize that ability and make sure I can build an environment of trust. So far it’s worked and I hope my students always realize they can come and tell me anything that’s going on.

I have very much realized my white privilege while working here. I went to school in this exact same district growing up, but never experienced or heard any of my peers experience what happens to my kids on a daily basis. I was thinking about my life and realized the most traumatic thing that ever happened to me was when my parents divorced. And while that was personally one of those moments where the floor caves in, comparatively speaking, it’s nothing compared to what my elementary students deal with now. I’ve never had autism and watched my dad get arrested for selling drugs right before school. I’ve never had to jump on my dad’s back to stop him from beating my mom. I’ve never been beaten by either of my parents. I’ve never once gone to bed hungry, looking forward to going to school since I knew I would get breakfast and lunch. I’ve never had my grandma tell me she will beat me if I like girls. In kindergarten, I wasn’t living in a park with my dad while my mom was in a meth recovery center. These are all students’ stories that I have heard in the past month. Nothing super traumatic has happened to me. I know you shouldn’t categorize pain or trauma, but honestly, I want to cry when I hear these student’s stories.

This past Wednesday, I had had it with crappy parents and crappy home life.  I decided I had to drive to the temple and go to a session. It took me an hour to drive there in traffic and I cried the whole way there. I just kept on thinking why is this happening to little kids? Why have I led such an uneventful life and these kids were born into terrible circumstances? I missed my session by a few minutes, so I went and did initatories and stayed in the celestial room for over a half hour. I poured my heart out. I cried. I prayed fervently. I just needed some peace. And then, for some reason, I was reminded one of the parts of restorative justice that I love: I am only responsible for my own actions. (This is a statement I use frequently because kids constantly say ‘they made me do it’). I realized I had to let go, as much as it sucks and hurts and is terrible, of what happens to a student as soon as they leave the building. I don’t get to control what happens when they get home. I do however, get to control how they are treated at school. I do get to fight for them a bit when teachers deservedly are frustrated with their behavior. I can choose to be with them during breakfast and morning recess and ask everyone how their night was and what they are doing for the weekend. (One little boy told me the other day, “I’m so happy you’re always at breakfast Ms. Kelsey because you always give me the first smile of the day.” My heart actually broke) I can choose to listen and not get frustrated when my little second grade friend is laying in the hallway, refusing to listen to me. I can help my kids focus and express their emotions positively. And most importantly, I can love them. This little third grader, who is literally so sweet but is also always getting mixed into trouble, gave me a hug a few days ago in line. He gets sent to my office a lot, but he’s just the sweetest kid. Another second grader who, last year, was throwing chairs and constantly getting super angry, was so excited to call his mom and while on the phone he said, “Guess what? Ms. Kelsey thinks I’m an awesome student.” I’m not writing these down to toot my own horn. There have been plenty of kids that don’t like me since I do have to talk about consequences with them, but I am writing them down to remember on the hard days why I do what I do.  It’s funny because even though I get between 15,000-20,000 steps a day and I never get lunch and I’m dealing with kids in trouble for 8 hours a day, I love my job. I honestly wouldn’t trade it for the world. I know I was being super prideful since I also had a job offer to work at the DA’s office, but this is the best job I’ve ever had. I have rewritten a narrative I have always told people about myself since I was young: I am terrible with children. Many people have heard me say this. But guess what? It’s not true. In fact, I’m quite good with them. I have a kindergarten who stabs people with pencils and runs around swearing, but the second I am in there, he comes up and says, “Ms. Kelsey, I know what I just did was wrong. I just got so mad. Can I practice my apology with you?” (He’s a little turd sometimes, but I love him). I also get to see this compassionate side of me that is rare. (Honestly if I think your problem is dumb, I will probably tell that to your face, so I'm not normally very compassionate). But when I am around these kids, I would move mountains for them. In essence, I get to be my best worldly self at my job. It’s so great to be in a field that plays to your strengths, fills your bucket, and helps (even if it’s a small amount) children. Sometimes it honestly makes me never want to have kids because a. big emotions in tiny bodies are difficult and b. negotiating with five year olds is hard work and c. I don’t want to screw them up with any of the decisions I make. But, most of the time, it makes me super excited that I get to be entrusted to care for my own kids someday. It also makes me excited that I am choosing a partner, who though he isn’t perfect, is a perfect complement to me and we can come up with our parenting style. Yes, I’m sure we are going to scar them in ways like all parents do, but I know we will do the best we can to love them no matter what the challenges that we will have to face. I am so happy that in this short time, I have truly found my ideal self. And for now, since I am obviously not going to be a mom any time soon, I love getting to fully love the kids I work with. They really are the cutest kids!

"And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good." -John Steinbeck

Apparently when you have your second sinus infection and it's spring break, writing a blog seems to be like the thing to do. I hate not being busy. More on that later actually. But I loved this quote. I've been struggling with obsessive tendencies this past quarter. People always joke that I get so much done and they don't understand how. But recently, that has become a curse because if I write something down on a to-do list for the day, I have to do it or I will be anxious and can't sleep. It got to the point this quarter that I was doing assignments three weeks out. ON THE QUARTER SYSTEM IN GRADUATE SCHOOL. For those of you who aren't familiar, that is insane. I was taking 18 credits, working, doing an internship and have two very time intensive callings. Most people describe the quarter system as running as fast as you can but still always being behind. I clung to this for awhile. It was a way to control things in my life. I worked out 6 days a week even though I was having stomach problems and sinus headaches and migraines because it was on the list. I did all my homework way in advance. To be honest, I was very proud of myself. Look at me, crushing this grad school thing. I think this will be something I have to work on the rest of my life, but one Saturday, as I was working on an assignment two weeks in advance instead of going out to lunch with my dad, I realized something: this wasn't healthy. And I made another realization: if I was super busy, then I wasn't missing Taylor. And since I hated the idea of crying over missing my perfect fiancee, staying busy seemed smart. I also realized in this moment that it was okay to give myself a break and not do anything but watch a few episodes of TV. That same day, I literally cried a lot about how much I missed Taylor. I just sat in my bed, snuggled in his T-shirt, and cried for a solid half hour. Guess what, I FELT SO MUCH BETTER. Now when I miss him, I let myself miss him. It's okay and perfectly normal. But that wasn't the story I told myself for a long time. My brother's wedding was the next weekend and guess what I did instead of homework in my free time? Watched all of season 3 of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. It was weird at first. I had this nagging voice in the back of my head telling me I was a failure for relaxing and that I should really be working on my group project due at the end of the quarter. But I chose to ignore it. To be frank, I think when I get stressed out, this will happen again in the future. It happened on my mission. I wanted to be working every second of every day that sometimes I forgot that the purpose of missionary work is to show Heavenly Father's love. Sometimes sitting with a member for an hour because they were struggling WAS productive. Sometimes, it was okay to take a nap during language study when I had a headache. It was hard, and I never mastered it, but I've realized it's okay to be in the middle. I don't have to live in the extremes anymore. Also, it's okay to miss your best friend/fiancee who happens to be on a mission and you can't talk to him ever. I've always hated people who incessantly talk about their significant other (and I still do), but I realized I've gone to the other extreme of never talking about him so I don't a. sound obnoxious and b. don't have to miss him. Anyway, my point is that I realized I don't have to live in the future anymore and that's okay.

I love writing because it helps me rumble with my emotions. I largely chose English as a major not only because I love books (which was obviously a big reason!), but also to learn how to express myself in written format since verbally expressing myself makes me anxious. (Again, more on that later). I also love reading because it is often through someone else's words that I begin to assign meaning. I cannot tell you how many books have changed my life simply because they were a story I could see myself in. (This is why I always argue that books and movies should portray different people so that everyone can become absorbed and felt understood. I literally get sad thinking about how my children probably won't love reading as much as me). Anyway, these past two days with nothing to do, I read two books that were super fantastic: Rising Strong  by Brene Brown and The Subtle Art of Not Giving a {Expletive} by Mark Manson. Now I know the title of the second one does not seem church appropriate. But if you can get over the language, what he really says is so great. (One thing I loved at BYU as an English major is we were taught that anything could have literary value even if it had 'inappropriate' stuff going on. It's part of who I am to not reject something simply because of its source or presentation. However, if strong language offends you, I would not suggest it. Since I have developed a swearing problem sometimes, I actually kind of liked it.) Brown's book is all on vulnerability and how to reset after a 'failure,' and Manson's on embracing the fact that most of your life is ordinary and that you need to accept responsibility for everything that happens to you whether it's your fault or not. Both of them have the common theme (oh gosh, yes I know I'm going English major on you and it's just how my brain works) that we are in control of the stories we tell ourselves. i.e. We can change what we value and what we think is important. Please read them if you have the chance. It caused me some deep reflection about stories I've told myself.

I've told myself a lot of stories in the past (and some still bounce around in my head):

• No one wanted to date me because I'm overweight
• My parent's divorce is the reason I have problems with commitment
• The more I learn, the better person I am and the more value I provide to the world.
• Crying or showing emotion is weak
• Asking for help is a sign of weakness. I should always be able to handle everything by myself. 
• Having questions and not accepting everything at face value is a lack of faith. 
• I always have to say yes when someone asks me to do something because that's the way a responsible person behaves
• Going to Georgetown and remaining single will make me happier than getting married. 
• Getting everything done that I can possibly fit in a day makes me successful. If I laze around, then I have no value. 
• I have to achieve all my goals and I cannot fail at any of them. 
• If I make a mistake, everyone will stop loving me and I will never recover. 
• You can only gain a testimony by having a feeling. 
• BYU was a terrible school (not because of the education, but because of the culture) 
• As an oldest child, I have to set the positive example for my family
• Labeling myself as something other than a conservative or becoming a feminist meant I was a bad Mormon. 
• It's okay to eat six cupcakes because you deserve it you boss woman! 

There's obviously a lot more because we tell ourselves stories every day, but these were the most significant ones that have affected my life. In ConRes, we would call these positions. Having read "Getting to Yes" a zillion times in my program, I have really come to understand that I, like any other human being, am very positional and defensive about my positions. These stories that I have told myself do not express my interests or my actual values. They express my fear of rejection, always feeling like I have to be an example and some of my bad behaviors. My favorite way to describe positions versus interest is a story about orange and two sisters. Both sister argue that they need an orange (their position), but there's only one. Thinking the best solution is compromise, the mom cuts it in half. However, it turns out that one sister wanted the rinds to make cake while the other just wanted to make orange juice. (their interests) Both of them could have gotten 100% of what they wanted had they actually explored their positions/stories they tell themselves. I think about this story often when someone says something that instantly makes me angry. I am working on stepping back and asking myself two questions: What is their interest/story they're telling themselves? and what is my interest/story I'm telling myself? Anyway, this is basically a paragraph explaining that while I expect the rest of my life I will have to defend/explain my degree, I am in the right program and I have learned a lot. 

From now one, I am going to go through the rumble, as Brown suggests or take responsibility for my part of my stories at Manson suggest. Brown's book focuses also on how you always have to remain curious. If you are stuck in your position/story, and have no ability to look outside it, then you really can't make any change in the story and you're stuck in a miserable loop. As part of that rumble process, I've written some of how I have gotten out of an old story and put myself into a new one. 

One story I frequently tell myself is that BYU was a cause of a lot of my problems. I've never really written about it formally but now I realize that while there is a lot of truth to that, a lot of it was me. My senior year, I was practically inactive in my heart. I would go to church because I wanted to be with my roommates, but I was telling myself the story that "I had been lied to because families aren't forever." While telling myself this, I couldn't help but think if that was all a lie, what else was? I also hated being around people who were so single minded. It seemed as if everyone was a blonde, had perfect 4.6 GPA, perfect ACT score, played six varsity sports, participated in school plays and played 5 instruments. Then some of these exact people would be drinking and sleeping around, then show up on Sunday in a leadership calling. Obviously I am exaggerating that, but it was the culture sometimes. A lot of times, I couldn't feel the spirit because people were just so competitive. I loved being in my English classes because we would talk about different points of view and liberal politics and feminism. Most people laugh, but in retaliation to the culture there, I became even more focused on being a boss woman. I also learned that while people may be CRAZY ONE SIDED and not critical thinkers, I don't always have to be in opposition to their point just to show them the other side. I think I largely started hating on marriage because I resented the fact that I came to college to earn a degree while everyone else was focused on getting married. I'm happy that I attended BYU. I met some of my closest friends there and I also had to rumble with who I actually was outside of my parents and their testimony. It was jarring, and perhaps that's why I hated on it so much, but it was informative. That being said, there is some real work that needs to be done there and I will not be one of those parents that tells my children they can only go to a church school because I'm not sure it's a fantastic environment for everyone. 

One of my other positions/stories I tell myself is that I need to stop being so logical because a. I am a woman and that's what is expected of me and b. that's the only way to learn spiritual things. I have a lot of questions. When I get to the next life, boy will I need to have long conversations. I am fairly certain I am still kind of in that toddler mindset where I wish I could just say, "But why?" after nearly everything someone says to me. In my ideal world, I would spend forever in different schools because I crave information. One of my top strengths from Strengths Finder (which I highly recommend taking. It literally changed my life and made me feel so understood), is being a learner. I crave information the way some people crave attention. I wish I could just sit and research every single Wikipedia article. I wish I could go to Pharmaceutical school or study anthropology or read every book ever written. I know that sounds crazy, but I would totally do it if it were possible. I take the adage that the only things we can take with us to the next life are our bodies and our intellect. (It also makes me so happy that I get an eternity to learn. It's my favorite part of the whole plan). One of my favorite things to tell people is that I gained my testimony of the Book of Mormon while at BYU while we studied more as a piece of literature. I also tell people that Heavenly Father uses how we think to help, and for some reason, reading it in a 'this is potentially not a literal story, but there's still some value to it" really helped solidified its truth. And now that I've "rumbled" through that, I no longer tell myself that that wasn't a valid way to receive revelation. Plus, now my testimony is rock solid and it's my favorite book. If we are operating under the assumption that Heavenly Father created us each individually (and I always think under this framework), then we also have to assume that He, better than anyone else, even our spouse, knows how to communicate with us. He's the only person with whom we can have perfect communication. How neat is that? Okay, I am off my soapbox now. 

I was in the temple on Friday and felt inspired to do initatories. (In addition to the spiritual benefit, I am pretty sure Heavenly Father knew I had a raging sinus infection and needed something quick so I could make it to my doctor's appointment). As I sat listening the words, the spirit seemed to magnify all the times it talked about, essentially, our brain and its ability to pick out good and bad. (trying not to be specific here since it's a sacred place obviously). Towards my last time going through, I teared up because the spirit was so strong. I again realized that the Spirit can work different ways and I felt as if Heavenly Father were telling me, "Hey, guess what? I made you and I understand that you need to process everything and take it apart. It's cool." Maybe He doesn't actually speak like that, but that's how it felt. This was my most recent rumble with the story I told myself that I needed to focus more on feelings to receive revelation. Most of the time I have what my friends and family jokingly refer to as a "Kelsey revelation," where a thought permeates my mind with such intensity that I can't shake it. 

I've also worked through a lot of my commitment issues because Taylor is very patient with me. He knows that I told no one except my mom that we were engaged for a few weeks and guess what, he still loves me! Pretty cool, I know. I no longer assign the blame to my parents because honestly, a lot of it has to do with my skeptical mind. The sweetest thing that Taylor has ever told me was when he told me divorce was off the table in our relationship. I teared up and was more touched than when he told me he loved me for the first time (sorry for that brutal honesty!). Getting to rumble through these emotions has been the most rewarding thing in my life because Taylor makes my life happier. I used to literally loathe women who 'waited for their missionary.' I still hate that phrasing because it makes me look like I'm just chilling and doing nothing with my value while he's out there. But, I am happy that I get to support him on a mission. And I am beyond happy that I found my person before he left so that way I have so much security while he's out knowing that it's going to work out. I laugh thinking about how I thought getting married was a cop out. I look forward to rumbling through any problems we experience together and know that it will be worth it because Taylor is a perfect partner for me. One of my favorite things about him is he lets me rumble. He doesn't need answers immediately and is totally supportive of me thinking things through because he has to also! He is a very private 'rumbler' and I love that he shares with me everything he's thinking about it. I'm not ashamed to say that I miss him a lot and wish he was here so I could kiss him whenever I wanted. If that makes you cringe, you can take comfort in the fact that it made me low-key cringe even now typing it out. 

All these stories are things that I have actively worked on. One thing that my mission taught me was to overcome my story of not asking for help. There were SO many days on my mission that I needed help. Sometimes it was divine help, but most often it was help needed from my companion, who was in it with me. Other times, it came in the form of members or even investigators who would recognize that I was trying to support an entire congregation by myself and would just tell me to be "tranquila" (calm). One of my district leaders literally told me that had I died when I was a missionary, my tombstone should read, "Tranquilate Hermana Davis"  which means calm yourself. haha I attribute these various experiences to understanding why marriage is such a great thing! Who wouldn't want someone to be go through all of life's experiences and loves you even with all your crazy flaws and freak outs. (Or who literally sends you marriage prep homework because she's still lowkey terrified about screwing up a relationship. Taylor really is the best guys).

Even now, I am telling myself the story that if I blog about it, I am more responsible. Who knows if that's true? For now, I am going to keep rumbling with vulnerability and getting out of my "feedback from Hell loop" that Manson spends most of his time writing about. I hope you get the chance to rumble with your stories/positions as it's really helped me with every type of relationship I have. Going back to all original thoughts, I don't have to be perfect anymore, and that is so freeing because it allows me to be good. Feel free to call me out when I'm telling myself some old story. 

"It takes a lot of faith to put everything you have on the altar of God, trust in Him, and know that His plan is better for you than the plan you have mapped out for yourself."- Jane Clayson Johnson

Wow, so many things. But shout-out to Catherine McCabe for sending me this quote several months ago. One thing that I absolutely love about life are moments when I can tangibly compare my current self to a past version. I know that may sound confusing, but let me explain. This time last year, I was really confused about my life. I knew I should be in Fort Collins still and that I shouldn't go to DC for my master's but I didn't know what I needed to be doing instead as my plans had been changed. Sometimes I get super frustrated with myself because I don't see immediate perfection. While on my mission, I read a wonderful talk on consecration by Elder Callister and in it, he asserts that the Lord doesn't expect immediate perfection, but He does expect immediate progress. I love that. Well, let me tell you it's been a great year of progress! For so many reasons. I am writing it all down so that I can remember how important it is to follow Heavenly Father's plan for you. I had two basic goals this year: live in the sunshine (i.e. be more positive) and to make it to the temple every week. (Which I did, minus two weeks, but one was due to illness and the other because I was at the Nobel Peace Prize Conference and so I think I will count it as done!) Last Saturday, it culminated with my mom and I doing sealings for the first time. The spirit was so strong and I am so grateful that I was inspired to have that goal.

 Anyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking about how much I have changed in the past three years. A lot of that is due to my mission, but also several experiences I've had since then. Three years ago, I was really sad to be postponing Georgetown, but also really excited and nervous for my mission. I knew that my mission was going to change my life, but I was also super nervous about learning Spanish and living in another country. I look back on this Kelsey and I just want to tell her, guess what? You're going to see so many miracles. It's going to be the toughest thing ever, but you will learn so many neat lessons packaged individually for you! When I withdrew from Georgetown after I came home last year, knowing it was the right decision, I cried. I took a sick day from work and just got really mad. This was the thing I looked forward to for the entire time I was on my mission. On days that sucked, I would think to myself, it's fine I'll be at Georgetown soon enough. But it wasn't just giving up the dream, it was the fact that I didn't know what I was doing with my life. I don't mean to brag or make others jealous, but I always know what I am doing. I always have my life planned out at least two steps ahead of what I am currently doing. It's just how my brain works and also how I receive revelation. I just always know what I should be doing. But for 6 months of last year (2016), I had no clue. I applied to all these jobs in Utah and Denver but knew that I was supposed to stay up in FoCo. I applied to a TESL master's program at CSU and didn't feel right about that either. It was frustrating.

 On New Year's Eve, I was kind of fed up. I said a prayer as I was going to sleep, and for the first time in several months, I felt two specifics prompting that I knew would come true-I needed to go to DU for my MA in Conflict Resolution and I would 'notice' someone that would later become my eternal companion. I slept like a baby, and whipped out my application in two days. I didn't really focus on the eternal companion part because I "knew" that wasn't going to happen and also was really confused about the phrase that I would "notice someone." It was, quite frankly, bizarre, so I just ignored that piece for a solid part of the year, and focused on school. However, ever since New Year's Eve last year, EVERYTHING worked out for me. I don't know how. I seriously don't. I saw a flyer for a work study job (last time I applied, I was NOT offered work study, so this was also a bonus) and accepted it. Then I got an email about an internship that was unpaid, but on campus, so I wouldn't have to spend money to complete one. Right before I started, I got an email from my internship supervisor indicating that he got it funded and I made more money from my internship than my work study. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? I still don't understand it. Choosing to attend DU for my master's degree is one of the best things that happened to me this year. I love my program, and all 7 of us in it. I love the skills I've learned and how much better I am learning to communicate about emotions. It's beneficial to all of my relationships and is making me a better person. For a hefty price. But it's all worth it.

That's all about my first prompting. My second prompting is a little bit different. I started the year off with the resolve to better myself first. Right before I left for my DR visit in April, I just got very frustrated about this prompting. Everything was literally being handed to me on a silver platter for DU, and so I was confused why I wasn't meeting anyone. Like I mentioned, I had made the goal to attend the temple weekly and at this point was still in Fort Collins, so I prayed about it there. I got the reassurance that I would notice someone. Again, I was super confused.  Until a few days later and I went to a devotional and saw Taylor. Taylor and I had been more like acquaintances at this point. By that I mean that we would sit next to each other and make remarks under our breath at some church activities. I thought he was funny but that was the end of it. (Apparently I had told my mom several months earlier that I was really impressed by this 'man in our ward Taylor who was always at everything and willing to serve." But I honestly don't have any recollection of that. I guess I wasn't ready to notice it at the time) As we sat there, I just couldn't get the thought of my head that Taylor was just such a fun person, but also so focused on the temple. (He helped build the Fort Collins temple and we ended up being ordinance workers there on the same shift starting in May of this year. I know, it's adorable to me too) However, at this point, I knew he was not interested in me. (Deservedly so as you will read in a few sentences) but somehow managed to convince him to ask me to get frozen hot chocolate with me when we talked after the devotional. I work quick, don't I? ;)  (That this was the first thing we did together is just great because it reminds me of one of my favorite movies- Serendipity, which he ended up watching later). Anyway, the day of our 'date,' I was in a grumpy marriage mood. I think something had happened with one of my married friends and I was just so irked at the whole thing. So we go out and I was just hating on marriage and relationships. I know. I'm such a pleasure. Not my finest moment. Obviously, he wasn't enjoying it and neither was I. (I won't speak for him, but I know he wasn't into it since we've obviously chatted about this now) We went out before institute, so we drove back, he got out of my car, and then I had the strongest feeling I've ever had (besides when I knew I was supposed to serve a mission) that we would end up married. Can we just talk about how bizarre this was? It wasn't even a good date! I didn't even really know him! And, as a bonus, he had just put in his mission papers. So I went to institute, sat by Taylor, and tried not to be super weird. You can't just tell someone you were super rude to on a first date that you just felt like you were going to end up married. Luckily for me, I went on my vacation to the DR and had some time to process. I ended up talking to my mission president about it while I visited with him which really helped soothe me down. It took us a long time to finally get to the place where we could actually date. We became closer friends and then finally it all worked out where we started dating and realizing that this was what we both wanted in a relationship... right before his mission. And to add to it, I was leaving for DC for the last week before he left. But, it all worked out.

There are many reasons I love Taylor and why he's perfect for me which I won't get into now. We are both even INTJs! (We have the same personality from the Meyers Brigg test) He turns toward me when I am asking for an emotional bid (more on this later on in this post).But one of the things I love most is how respectful he is towards women. He treats me so well and for some reason, we were both just so open with each other about everything. I think it was weird for both of us to be so open with someone about everything in our lives, but it really has helped solidify my decision to marry him. Yes, he's on a mission currently. (He's 25, so don't worry, I'm not dating an 18 year old. We turned 25 within two weeks of each other. I will actually get to celebrate birthday week and have an excuse!) But I can't wait to marry him. It honestly took me a while to type that because it's still so crazy to me how this all happened. I am so grateful I will get that opportunity. My life with him in it is a lot better and it's surprising to me. I've always hated the cliche that you marry your best friend, but I have found that to be true. I tell him everything and vice versa and I never feel self conscious around him. Enough sappiness. But to sum it up: I'm so happy he's in my life. Even if it's at a distance for the next year and a half.

Long story short, I'm glad I didn't move to DC. Because I wouldn't have noticed Taylor or started my program at DU. My dad sent me this story about the currant bush from Hugh B. Brown on my mission and it's become almost like scripture to me. It talks about when he was supposed to be promoted in the military but  didn't because he was Mormon. His lifelong dream was crushed. However, when he looked back at his life, he talked about all the crazy awesome benefits that came from that decision and all the blessings he received. He then compares it to a time he was cutting down a currant tree and how it seemed to him that it was crying and asking why it was being cut down when it had grown into a big tree. I love what he says:

"Now some of you as you go forward are going to meet with disappointment—perhaps many disappointments, some of them crucial. Sometimes you will wonder if God has forgotten you. Sometimes you may even wonder if He lives and where He has gone. But in these times when so many are saying God is dead and when so many are denying His existence, I think I could not leave with you a better message than this: God is aware of you individually. He knows who you are and what you are, and, furthermore, He knows what you are capable of becoming. Be not discouraged, then, if you do not get all the things you want just when you want them. Have the courage to go on and face your life and, if necessary, reverse it to bring it into harmony with His law...“I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to be. If I let you go the way you want to go, you will never amount to anything. And someday, when you are ripened in life, you are going to shout back across the time and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.'"

I echo his words. I am grateful that Heavenly Father loves me enough to 'hurt me' temporarily. What a magnificent gift that we can have the gift of the Spirit and always discern what we need to be doing. It's one of my dearest gifts I have received. And I am so thankful for it. I hope that 2018 will bring with it its ups and downs and that I can always align my will with His. 

If you're still reading this, here is a brief update on other incredible things that happened this year:

• Nobel Peace Prize Forum. Apparently DU was one of the first three schools to start a Conflict Resolution program.  Anyway, our Institute at DU was invited to go to the Nobel Peace Prize Forum in Minnesota and my program decided to send two delegates. I applied, thinking no way is this going to happen, but it did! I got selected to go and it was such an incredible experience. Plus I met Leanna, who is now one of my favorite people. 
• I emailed President Corbitt to share my experience about eternal families and how this one meeting on my mission changed the course of my life. He was grateful for it and then we chatted about this line from Elder Rafael E. Pino,"The Lord knows what He wants to accomplish with each one of us. He knows the kind of reform He wants to achieve in our lives, and we do not have the right to counsel Him. His thoughts are higher than our thoughts." How beautiful that is. If you follow me at all on social media, you know that I went back and visited my mission and blogged about it previously. Visiting my mission in April was another highlight. I love the people there and was so blessed to go back and visit them! (Thank you nice tax return and no school fees yet!) I also learned how to ride a motorcycle and dance bachata. So fun! At our mission reunion, we found out that our mission for the year 2016 was the most improved mission in the world! How cool seeing as it was so tough to even get people to commit to lessons. So grateful to have served in the mejor mision del mundo!
• I went on a DC birthdaycation with Chelsea! We had been roommates together when we did our internships through BYU in DC and it was the best way ever to celebrate turning a quarter of a century old. We mostly ate! haha and honestly, I wish I could go there now and eat a Good Stuff burger and shake because that sounds so good! 
• I finished three rounds of BBG (a 12 week workout program). I started this time last year and I am amazed at my progress. I decided I really wanted to work on being strong and also on my diet. While I am not perfect in my eating habits, I have definitely cleaned them up and love not feeling weighed down by crap food! I can also do pushups now, so I feel good! 
• I've been obsessed about reading marriage prep books and relationship books in general. Sometimes the interpersonal conflict books for my program just really hit home. But my favorite thing I learned last year was the idea of "emotional bids" which was coined by David Gottman. According to him, "a bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection or any other positive connection." Please learn more about this as it's changed my life even within my family. You can find a beginner's guide to this here: Intro to Emotional Bids and more specific examples of what bids are here
• My sister is serving a mission in LA, spanish speaking and it's so fun to see how much she loves it! I love reading her emails and just feeling that missionary vibe. And Mason is going to get married to Heather in February! What a great time for my family!